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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if physical aggression always gets worse

94 replies

Kickinghotpinkcans · 30/05/2018 08:21

A couple of nights ago dh and I disagreed about bed routines. I will admit, I was winding him up as well.

It ended with him dragging me out of the room (baby in cot) by my hair.

I'm still trying to decide what's best to do. But is it a given that this gets worse or can it be put down to a one off (still bad, I know.)

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 30/05/2018 09:38

storm

Your post is so true. I also think waiting for it to be "real" abuse. My ex used to choke me, push me onto the floor/into objects, twist my arm until it was sprained and once pulled out clumps of my hair but I STILL used to fall for the line "I've never HIT you". So bizarre looking back on it but somehow it feels like it can't be abuse at the time because you haven't been punched or kicked. Maybe that's just me though.

Original poster
Kickinghotpinkcans · 30/05/2018 09:40

Thanks.

We've already had that, AF - I know, I should have left then, but it's really difficult on a practical level. If I thought I could leave now I would, but realistically, I just don't have anywhere to go to.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 30/05/2018 09:40

Wow. I thought you were going to say a thrown mug or thumping a wall. This has escalated already. You need to make a plan before you are hospitalised or worse.

Wolfiefan · 30/05/2018 09:41

There's always somewhere. Better than dead. Hands around the neck is a real danger sign. Women who are murdered often have that first.

YouTheCat · 30/05/2018 09:42

Please call Women's Aid for advice. If you just have the one child it will be easier to leave now than it will be in the future. It might feel like there is nowhere for you to go but people can help.

TheShapeOfEwe · 30/05/2018 09:44

Once is enough OP - he is showing you who he is. It doesn't matter if it gets worse because he's already proved to you that he is a person who will use physical aggression against you when it suits him. He isn't a safe person to be around you or your baby.

In terms of you having nowhere to go - now is the time to plan. Speak to women's aid or refuge about help available to you, start investigating benefits you are entitled to and alternative places to live. Do you have any friends or family who could help? Even if you don't, there are charities and government services who will. It will be difficult but it can be done.

SleepFreeZone · 30/05/2018 09:49

I just cannot imagine staying with someone who dragged me around the house by my hair. Even if I had nowhere to go I would leave the house with my baby, drive to the police station, make a report and go and camp out at the council housing offices until someone told me what needed to happen to house me and my child safely.

Hmmisthatit · 30/05/2018 09:50

Flowers OP. Good luck making plans.

Original poster
Kickinghotpinkcans · 30/05/2018 09:50

Course you would, sleep Hmm

OP posts:
Bbbbbbbb2017 · 30/05/2018 09:51

It will happen again and it will get worse.

justwishiwasnormal · 30/05/2018 09:57

What's more OP is that you are also placing your baby at risk of harm. Not intentionally I'm sure but being exposed to this sort of behaviour is emotional harm there's no 2 ways about it. And if baby is caught in the cross fire that's physical harm. You need to make a choice now or the choice could be made for you or worse your child will become harmed emotionally and potentially physically.

MarsBarsAreShrinking · 30/05/2018 09:58

He is going to kill you eventually. Hands around the neck is a HUGE warning/red flag. Then your baby will be left with no mother and only a violent, vicious father to raise him/her.

Assuming he is not there now (as I doubt you'd be posting on here if he was?); I would gather up as much as you can carry (clothes, toiletries, passport, phone, charger, etc... ) for both you and your baby and get to the nearest police station. Right now.

I wish you all the very best.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/05/2018 10:03

Many posters here are suggesting that you call Women's Aid. Are you going to?

Can you talk to family or a friend in real life?

You seem to be minimising how dangerous this is. Not sure why you posted for advice, and then are just making snarky comments to everyone telling you to LEAVE.

Please call Women's Aid. They can help you find somewhere to stay. You need to get yourself and baby away somewhere safe.

WhataLovelyPear · 30/05/2018 10:09

I'm another one who says yes, it will escalate. The fact is, he has zero respect for you, and if there's one thing a successful relationship needs, it's mutual respect. I don't know if this is still an option, but our GP used to have leaflets about a program for men who wanted to stop committing domestic violence. How would your DH respond if you suggested this to him? If you're too afraid to bring it up, then you have your answer - it's time to leave.
Fwiw, I managed to get my (now ex) DH to agree that hitting me in anger was wrong and amazingly he did stop. He accepted that being angry with me was allowed, but turning to violence wasn't, and worked really hard to overcome it. He didn't start to respect me though and turned to emotional abuse instead. Eventually he left me for someone else and it was a relief. So, the chances of your relationship improving are miniscule. He certainly won't spontaneously stop being violent.

liz70 · 30/05/2018 10:11

Get out before he kills you. I say that to every woman suffering violence from a man who is supposed to love and cherish them. That's all I have to say. Flowers

moita · 30/05/2018 10:11

Do you have the number of your health visitor? They will put you in contact with people who can help. There's also women's aid mentioned above.

Please get out. Your baby needs you.

Original poster
Kickinghotpinkcans · 30/05/2018 10:12

I am being snarky but not because I am deliberately trying to be. I'm defensive, exhausted and worried. Very worried.

I don't have anyone I can go to. I'd have gone if I did.

It's all a bit complicated. Useless having a go at me because I didn't leave two days ago though, it really is. But on practical levels there is no way I can sit with young babies in a police station for hours. I am not on any benefits, there's no way they'll say sure, you can have this lovely council house. So sorry for snarling but - no.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 30/05/2018 10:14

So you will just stay until he kills you?
Seriously you need to seek practical help and make an escape plan. Relationships are complicated. Life is complicated. But if you stay you could well end up dead. Staying isn't an option. No matter how hard that is to hear. Snarking at people online won't save you.

DelphiniumBlue · 30/05/2018 10:18

Yes, it always escalates.
Because he thinks it is ok to assault a woman he is annoyed by. He thinks he is entitled to do that.
You should get out quick ly, it's not a coincidence that this has started now you've got a baby. He thinks you'll put up with it because you're vulnerable. And the more you put up with it the worse it will get.
Sorry this has happened to you.

Gatehouse77 · 30/05/2018 10:22

My DH once slammed the ironing board so hard he dented it. This was at the height of his mental health issues being undiagnosed.

In his case, it was a one off as he frightened himself more than me. He made no excuses for it but accepted that it was an unacceptable response and of his own doing. I do think that's key - he took complete responsibility for his loss of control.

However, an attack such as that - to you personally - is such an out of proportion response that I would have concerns.

DelphiniumBlue · 30/05/2018 10:22

I think you misunderstand the legal position.
The fact that you are not currently on benefits does not affect your local authority 's duty to house you and your baby.
Call Wpmens Aid, call your family, and once you know you will be safe, report to the police.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 30/05/2018 10:22

You know you need to leave don't you?
It's not normal and it's inexcusable.
It will always escalate because you not leaving means there are no consequences for his behaviour and he will feel justified the next time it happens.
And it will happen.

BlueBug45 · 30/05/2018 10:25

@kickinghotpinkcans you are damaging your kid, even though they are a baby, in such an environment. If you want to risk losing them then do nothing.

Phone Women's Aid today.

Btw even women who have friends' and relations who would help say they have no one to help them or they can't do anything, that's because before the physical violence starts there is emotional abuse.

WhataLovelyPear · 30/05/2018 10:26

OP, do you have any one you can confide in about this? If not, try making an appointment with your GP. I went to mine because I was having panic attacks due to exDH's behaviour and she was able to refer me on to various agencies for help. There is help out there for you. I can see that the thought of leaving is too much at the moment, but that doesn't mean you can't get help.

GlitteryPineapples · 30/05/2018 10:26

He's already had his hands around your neck and has dragged you by your hair, I'm assuming he's also done more than these two occasions too? What is it going to take for you to leave?
I understand it's not necessarily practical for you to leave right this moment but you need to start getting a plan in place and leave very soon, your babies need a mother. Don't leave them to be brought up by him, he could quite easily be violent towards them, especially without you there to protect them. You don't want them being taught that this is normal and how you act in a relationship Thanks

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