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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if physical aggression always gets worse

94 replies

Kickinghotpinkcans · 30/05/2018 08:21

A couple of nights ago dh and I disagreed about bed routines. I will admit, I was winding him up as well.

It ended with him dragging me out of the room (baby in cot) by my hair.

I'm still trying to decide what's best to do. But is it a given that this gets worse or can it be put down to a one off (still bad, I know.)

OP posts:
gambaspilpilmyfav · 30/05/2018 10:37

How truly horrendous. When someone who allegedly cares for you drags you by the hair it's a good indicator of things to come. Has he actually said anything since he did it, has he done it before? I was in an abusive relationship and I just planned my exit, took a while but we did leave.

specialsubject · 30/05/2018 10:49

clearly no love, no partnership, no respect - and now violence. That's no way to live and it is also no environment for a child.

there is help and it starts on this thread. Sure, you won't be somewhere luxurious or comfortable for a while, but you won't be in fear of the next attack.

if you do nothing things WILL get worse. One life, don't waste it.

bibliomania · 30/05/2018 10:52

Hi OP, I'm another one who says to contact Women's Aid. I went to a refuge for 2 weeks before finding a private rental. I was working full-time, and just took some emergency leave.

Don't assume your situation is not somehow bad enough - I was welcomed even though I wasn't being beaten up. ExH did things like pull me out a room by my collar, not even my hair, but that was enough. It's not act, it's the attitude underlying it - his feeling that he can treat you in whatever contemptuous way he chooses, because you're a lesser human being.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 30/05/2018 11:00

OP- my ex sat on top of me whist I was ten weeks pregnant and strangled me until I was unconscious then just left me there.

I left him two years afterwards- when I should have just run out the door straight away. So... I get it. It’s a terrifying horrible situation. I am not judging you in any which way at all, I just want you and your baby to be ok.

Please ring a DV helpline. Also speak to a solicitor. Legal advice might help bolster you.

Flowers
TheViceOfReason · 30/05/2018 11:06

I understand you don't feel that you are able to just walk out.

But please call womens aid and the police. You can get advice and start building a case against him for when you ARE in a position to leave.

Stash away every penny you can and secure important documents if possible. Make sure you wipe all trace of these posts and any searches for advice from your computer / phone etc.

Do you have any friends or family you can talk to?

Can you share which county you are in - maybe nearby people can suggest any specific places you can go for advice or assistance?

FASH84 · 30/05/2018 11:10

That's already high level aggression in front of a young child, get out. I thought you were going to say he'd slammed a door or thrown something (not at you) in temper. You've been given lots of sound advice about women's aid, freedom programme etc, also check out a book called living with the dominator and I bet you recognise other behaviours. DH and I are both quite fiery and early in our relationship would have almighty rows, verbal but aggressive, some door slamming the occasional smashed cup or glass (thrown into the sink too hard) , we've worked on our communication and have a really solid relationship now (nine years in never gets to shouting etc any more) but he would never lay hands on me, and since I've been pregnant I can almost do no wrong as far as he's concerned, there's no way he'd assault me in front of the baby.

mostdays · 30/05/2018 11:11

Take the first step by phoning Women's Aid. You might not be able to leave today (it's a hell of a lot easier to say do it than to actually do it), but you can call them today.

Amanduh · 30/05/2018 11:19

It can’r get much more escalated surely? Unless he kills you. Please listen to Pp

PeakPants · 30/05/2018 11:26

Even if you feel you can't leave, you be able to get an order to make him leave. At least get advice and then decide rather than saying that there is nothing you could do.

So he has had his hands round your throat and dragged you by the hair? So two incidents of serious violence? In front of young children? If you don't take active steps to get out of this, then the choice may be made for you if social services get involved and decide that you are not able to protect your children.

tremendous · 30/05/2018 11:35

Yes I think it gets worse. I'm sticking it out with lots of calling him out on behaviour but unfortunately I think it does just get worse and worse.

Storm4star · 30/05/2018 11:46

When I wrote my first reply, I didn't realise he'd also put his hands around your throat before. Its true that this is seen as a high risk marker due to the fact that a significant number of women murdered by their partners are strangled to death. It takes a scarily short time to cause first, irreparable brain damage, then death.

If you contact women's aid you can be placed in a refuge, as I said before, they're not great places but you'll be safe. It is also temporary. They will help you claim benefits, including housing benefit to pay the rent. You can get a police escort to collect things from home. You don't have to press charges to get this help. You will also be rehoused, the time is dependent on the area but you get top priority on the housing list for rehousing. They will help you every step of the way. You don't need to do any of this alone.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/05/2018 11:48

Can I suggest you get this moved to relationships rather than leaving it in AIBU. Report your post and ask MN to move it.

OK lets break this down into stages

  1. Recognising you do need to leave - I think you have done this
  2. Working out how you can leave - This is where you are now
  3. Leaving

So what you need is a roadmap to get from point 2 to point 3.
How can you leave?

  1. Find out what help is available - Quite a few options (I would start with Woman's Aid)
- speak to Woman's Aid, your local council, ring 101 and ask for Domestic Violence advice. Look on the Citizen's Advice Website for information.
  1. Gathering your resources
  • Put together a grab bag with essentials for you and the baby if you ever need to just get out.
  • Keep your mobile charged in case you ever need to ring the police.
  • Build up an escape fund ideally in a bank account your DH doesn't know about (maybe keep a bit of cash in the house in case you need to get out quickly).
  • Try to gather copies or originals of key paperwork in one place e.g. birth certificate, national insurance, bank accounts
  • If there is anything sentimental like photos, baby stuff etc. ideally stick these somewhere safe too.

Keep posting here for support but make sure your DH can't find your posts so delete your history or use in private browsing.

Storm4star · 30/05/2018 11:56

I agree with everything Chaz said but I always think the advice (that womens aid also give) about having a bag prepared can be quite tricky. I know when I was in the situation I would have had nowhere to hide such a bag, and if he'd found one god knows what would have happened.

In the end I had to leave in (the final time) in the middle of the night when he was sleeping. My kids were in their PJs, we had no possessions, no money, nothing. But, it was still ok. I was put in a refuge the next morning, given emergency funds to buy the basics.

I guess what I'm saying OP is if it gets to the point where you need to just leave in the clothes you're standing in, it will still be ok. The services are there to help.

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 30/05/2018 12:08

This was sent to me when I suffered my first smack. I chose to ignore it.
My baby, has grown up with haunting memories of my ribs being stamped on. I, like you said I couldn't leave. Sitting in a police station for hours is nothing compared to holding your child with broken ribs comforting her cos she is scared of what she has just seen. Im sorry to be harsh, I do understand but from one woman to another...there is no real reason why you can not leave now. Its one of the hardest thing in the world but it is w lot easier than your future if you decide to stay.

I got flowers today. It wasn't my birthday or any other special day. We had our first argument last night. He said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me. I know he was sorry and didn't mean the things he said. Because I got flowers today.

I got flowers today. It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day. Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. It seemed like a nightmare. I couldn't believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today. It wasn't Mother's Day or any other special day. Last night, he beat me up again. And it was much worse than all other times. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money? I' m afraid of him and scared to leave. But I know he must be sorry Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral. Last night he finally killed me. He beat me to death.

If only I had gathered enough courage and strength to leave him, I would not have gotten flowers today.

AnyFucker · 30/05/2018 12:49

Please ring Women's Aid.

Next time he will kill you.

It takes courage and strength to stay but it is misplaced. Use your undoubted mental and physical resources to plan your escape. You can do it, but you need help.

DN4GeekinDerby · 30/05/2018 13:10

I agree with contacting Woman's Aid and your local Women's Centre if possible.

OP, you say you're working on a plan which is good and you're right is is very difficult particularly without resources. Is there parts of your planning which you're having particular difficulty with? Maybe some can help you with it.

My parents were violent with each other as long as I can remember. My earliest memory is seeing them physically fight, seeing my father's head bounce off the brick wall by the fireplace where my mother had shoved him with both of their hands in each other's hair, my mother was shoved into a wall shortly after.... They were each such sickening, terrifying thuds and my siblings and I sat whimpering next to the Christmas tree. My brain has replayed that and so many other scenes like that over and over, I can't remember what they were saying anymore (it's weird, I know I used to...it's like it's gone from HD crystal clear sound to an old silent black and white damaged film) but I can still feel the vibrations of their shouting and hits. I still hate Christmas and that was thirty+ years ago. Such things really have a way of messing with one's mind.

HyacinthsBucket70 · 30/05/2018 13:23

This must be terrifying for you. Please contact Women's Aid as others have said, or go to the Police and ask about a refuge. Anywhere is better than where you are and all that matters for now is getting to a place of safety. Anything else can come after Flowers.

Gilead · 30/05/2018 13:28

WA/Refuge will house you both and help you get benefits etc sorted. Ring them before he does something to you and your child.

ragmayo · 30/05/2018 13:43

In my experience, yes it escalates and it escalates quickly. Call Women's Aid, there are options and they will help. Wishing you all the very best

BlooperReel · 30/05/2018 13:48

Someone who loves you does not, under any circumstance, drag you from a room by your hair. I am 95% sure this is just the starting point, and it will escalate. Remember 2 women per week are killed by a violent partner. Many of those will have started in just the same way.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/05/2018 14:01

Can you get him out? He has assaulted you. Women's Aid can advise you on this but it might be possible to have him removed from the house and a court order put in place to keep him out.
I am very much in favour of making the abuser the one who has to find somewhere else to live, though sometimes it may be safer and easier to move out yourself.

Tistheseason17 · 30/05/2018 14:36

Please take the first step and call Women's Aid Flowers

SleepFreeZone · 30/05/2018 15:03

OP I can assure you I would. What’s next? Could he be physically abusive to your child? What’s going to be your snapping point?

Original poster
Kickinghotpinkcans · 30/05/2018 16:31

OK. Well, I've actually done a fair bit to try and sort things today but laying into me for not having left yet isn't helpful. Sorry, but it isn't.

OP posts:
Iputthescrewinthetuna · 30/05/2018 16:34

We are not laying in to you. We are just concerned for you and your child, as many of us know the pattern all too well.