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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if physical aggression always gets worse

94 replies

Kickinghotpinkcans · 30/05/2018 08:21

A couple of nights ago dh and I disagreed about bed routines. I will admit, I was winding him up as well.

It ended with him dragging me out of the room (baby in cot) by my hair.

I'm still trying to decide what's best to do. But is it a given that this gets worse or can it be put down to a one off (still bad, I know.)

OP posts:

FoofFighter · 30/05/2018 16:36

Kicking

It is bloody terrifying, and no not everyone does have someone to go and stay with, I certainly didn't and I had to unfortunately resort to the camping out in the council offices with my baby. It was soul destroying I'm not going to lie, and I felt so low, but that next morning waking up (albeit in a sparesely furnished hostel with just a few bags of belongings) was like a huge weight had lifted.

You can do this x

FoofFighter · 30/05/2018 16:38

One thing I would say though is to get the incidents logged with the police.

I bitterly regret not doing this after every incident as when it came to sorting out contact etc, I then brought it up and his solicitor said where's the proof, no proof didn't happen and implied I was "one of those exes" who try to stop contact out of spite

Original poster

Kickinghotpinkcans · 30/05/2018 16:39

I'm a homeowner who on paper is financially secure. I'd be laughed out of the council offices.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kickinghotpinkcans · 30/05/2018 16:40

Thank, foof

OP posts:

TuTru · 30/05/2018 16:42

It doesn’t get better xx

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 30/05/2018 16:44

It gets worse. When you stay it is the green light to him for more abuse. You've put up with it and won't do a thing. He may be sorry, mine never is. I am afraid this can't be taken back. Take your child and get as far away as you can. Take all documents and whatever money you can. Don't worry about it, just take it. Call Women's Aid, go to a friend, go to your family. Do not look back.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/05/2018 16:46

Well done for taking steps, OP.

I second logging the existing assaults and any future ones with 101/the police. Keep a diary. Take photos of any bruises. Good luck.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 30/05/2018 16:47

My ex escalated from pulling my hair to pull me away from the sofa during an argument to breaking my wrist and raping me, this took over 18 months but it was incremental increases which I didn't notice and felt like I deserved for goading him. Sometimes I wound him up purposely because I was feeling reckless, but usually the beatings were over ridiculous things like reading a magazine he deemed too sexual (Cosmopolitan). He used to "check" I hadn't had sex when I came in from work by sticking his hand down my knickers as well. A decent man wouldn't consider doing any of these things.

SometimesMaybe · 30/05/2018 16:54

OP you clearly feel like you can’t leave, that you don’t know how to. That’s ok. So what you need to do is speak to the people who can provide you with help. Women’s Aid, CAB, friends and family, your employer, GP, Health Visitor. No one is going to judge you.

You say you are a financially secure homeowner which is great. You are in a better position than a lot of women (though I’m sure it is scant consolation). What that means is that if time gets tough in the next six months or year until you sort all this out, you will have something at the end. It might not be your current house but it will be the experiences you have had that will help set you back up again.

You know you need help or you wouldn’t have posted. It’s up to you now to take that next step. There is help out there. You can leave.

Original poster

Kickinghotpinkcans · 30/05/2018 16:59

Well, I won't with posts like that aimed at me keith

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 30/05/2018 17:06

Women's Aid can help you to get a court order to have him removed so you can return to your property. Please at least call them to see what options are available to you.

Original poster

Kickinghotpinkcans · 30/05/2018 17:13

Yes, have done so. Thanks.

OP posts:

SoddingUnicorns · 30/05/2018 17:17

Kickinghotpinkcans I felt compelled to sign up to comment. I get why you’re feeling so defensive and well done calling WA, I hope they were helpful.

It’s important that you make plans to leave, even if you can’t do it immediately. It gives you back the control that has been removed from you, and it’s taking steps to ensure you and your children are safe.

I’m 11 years free now, and once I said exactly what you’re saying. But it is possible to get free, and I hope that you will.

You are worth more than this, you matter. Please don’t lose sight of your own self worth.

Rosielily · 30/05/2018 18:30

What's your housing position? You say you're a financially secure home owner. How is your property held - in your sole name or jointly with DH? Who is the main bread winner in your relationship? What does DH contribute? Sorry for so many questions but I'm wondering if you could take steps to have him leave if you are financially secure?

persypear · 30/05/2018 18:57

Thinking of you OP

Well done for taking the steps you have and I am hoping you get through the evening safely.

People are just worried for you and it comes across as impatience, or perhaps provocatively sometimeswhen we are already feeling up against it, but we are all rooting for you and just want you to be safely away from him

summerinrome · 30/05/2018 19:03

I have been where you are, honestly it started out just the same way and in the end I was lying in a pool of my own blood in shock that I was still alive.

Please don't wait until this point.

Call the police, tell them what happened and ask for a domestic violence special officer to visit you/call you and run through the options.

I would not worry about the house for now. Draw out some money or sell something and go to a travel lodge until you can organise some proper support. Your baby is not safe and nor are you.

We are all here. It is okay. You can do this. For your baby you can do this.

rosamacrose · 30/05/2018 19:32

This is appalling for you and you are brave for sticking to the thread. You will find some really valuable help here. (It saw me through). Just a point, you would not be 'laughed out' of the council offices as a home owner. Dv is priority now. There are people that will be motivated to help you. Good that you have contacted women's aid. They are the experts. Have you an outreach worker's phone number?

crispysausagerolls · 30/05/2018 19:32

AndNoneForGretchenWieners

Oh my gosh how awful!!! Well done for leaving!!

FoofFighter · 31/05/2018 07:47

If you are financially secure and a homeowner you have far many options open to you than I had as a private renter on nmw.

Get yourself to a solicitor ASAP for advise about how to proceed. He can be forced to leave in case you aren't aware.

Good luck whatever you decide

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