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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you what to do in this situation ?

103 replies

upnorthlassie · 29/05/2018 21:49

Can't for the life of me think what is appropriate in this situation.
My partner (male) is looking after our 2 sons who are 6 months and 2.5yrs as well as a neighbour's daughter who is 5 (just turned) tomorrow.
He's planning to take them out to some museums etc, packed lunches , all good.
He is now wondering what to do if he needs the loo, as he would normally have either me to watch the kids or they would just go into a large toilet with him plus buggy etc.
What should he do since neighbours daughter is female obviously and is currently undergoing an investigation regarding sexual abuse from her father so want to limit any possible confusion iyswim.

OP posts:
Orangeblosssom3 · 29/05/2018 22:58

I’d use the ladies. Go to the furthest cubicle. Take in small ones. Leave door ajar with 5 year old within eye distance.

Or disabled. All in. All looking away.

Check with her parents though as the poor 5 year old may find something triggering or upsetting e.g. a men’s toilet.

Pa1oma · 29/05/2018 23:04

OP, not sure why you needed to mention that the girl forgets to take her skirt out her tights after the loo. Confused. In the scheme of things as you describe and the ongoing investigation, this seems like an odd thing to draw our attention to.

If this is genuine, I would just stay home but be in and out to a playground, the shop, etc. Keep it simple under the circumstances.

Jux · 29/05/2018 23:05

Obviously, the mum knows that most men are not paedophiles and has decided she knows both op and her dh well enough to trust the dh with her dd.

Cornishclio · 29/05/2018 23:05

Disabled toilet to minimise upset for the girl and ask her to turn around. All 3 of the children are too young to be left outside so unless a member of staff is willing to stand with them I can't think of another option. Not wise to take her into the gents and he can't go in the ladies. Maybe the mum could explain in the morning to her daughter what will happen should the situation arise. If she wants to use the toilet he can wait outside if she is able to sort herself out.

Original poster
upnorthlassie · 29/05/2018 23:05

@cricketmum84 mentioned that daughter might need help in the loo so I was clarifying that she was perfectly capable of managing it by herself , with no assistance, Bar sometimes having her skirt tucked up and not flushing. I would know, she comes to play at ours quite a bit!

OP posts:
Original poster
upnorthlassie · 29/05/2018 23:09

I agree it's not an everyday query ! I think I need to make some appropriate boundaries with the Mum as she is emotionally leaning on our family quite a bit , and we have lots to think about ourselves let alone her problems.
She definitely regards us as a safe space for her daughter to air any thoughts.

OP posts:
Fishcalledlola · 29/05/2018 23:11

If I was your dh I'd go in the cubicle and talk through the door to the kids, there are usually a row of toilets in public places. When ds was in his pushchair outside the cubicle, I used to get him to sing a nursery rhyme.
Sounds like the girl is capable of sorting herself out for a day.

AtSea1979 · 29/05/2018 23:13

I’d avoid the trip entirely and stay near home so I could pop home when them when I needed to and save the museum for when your are there.

Original poster
upnorthlassie · 29/05/2018 23:31

Might have to rethink the activities we had planned then Sad

OP posts:
Storminateapot · 29/05/2018 23:31

I would say use the disabled/family/baby change loo. Turn his back while she goes then check her clothes are straight once she's done.

Assuming he doesn't have to drape his penis over his arm to go I'd assume there'd be not much to see anyway when the average bloke has a wee unless you're standing right next to them, so does she have a Nintendo or something she could play with away from the loo while he goes?

I agree. Ask her mother what she expects. For the record I don't think my DH would take a non-family female child out on his own in these circumstances and it raises some interesting questions which also have my spidey senses tingling wrt this thread.

RainbowGlitterFairy · 29/05/2018 23:36

are there parent and child toilets in the museum? or a disabled loo he can use? if so I would leave 5 year old and baby outside the door but take toddler in, that way shes outside 'looking after baby' but hasn't got the responsibility of a toddler who might wander off and he can talk to her through the door.

If not I'd turn the buggy round and ask her to amuse the baby while he goes, so shes not looking at him but also not being asked not to look, which if something has happened to her might make her feel awkward.

lhastingsmua · 29/05/2018 23:39

Just stay at home then

I don’t think a 5 year old victim of child sexual abuse should be locked in a cubicle with a urinating man, sorry. It just seems wildly inappropriate given the circumstances?

Yes it might be okay in other situations, but not with a victim of abuseSad if she was my daughter, i wouldn’t even let him take her out

I’m sure your husband is a lovely guy, but if he doesn’t think he can personally avoid using the toilet on this specific outing then they should stay in honestly. I say that as an adult that can hold my bladder all day though...if your husband cannot then just stay in

Original poster
upnorthlassie · 29/05/2018 23:39

As I said @Storminateapot it's a highly unusual situation and the Mum is leaning heavily on us for support -re:me giving statements in court, sending her daughter to us to disclose information about her contact visit with her father , getting me to chaperone her daughter in a&e. It's a bit much if I'm honest. Potentially putting us in a difficult position. Will aim to cool it off over the next few weeks.

OP posts:
mamansnet · 29/05/2018 23:41

Why not ring the museum in advance and ask what facilities they've got (if any) for families?

I think it's mad that your dp is being advised not to take them to a museum, even given the difficult circumstances.

cathcath2 · 29/05/2018 23:44

If you want to have a look what the toilet facilities are like, try this website: www.disabledgo.com/search-places-to-go

lhastingsmua · 29/05/2018 23:51

If you’re all so close why can’t he accompany her to court and you take the children out?

Original poster
upnorthlassie · 29/05/2018 23:53

@lhastingsmua because I have experience in court and am her Mackenzie Friend also. Dp is also hard of hearing so finds it hard in an unfamiliar environment such as a court room.

OP posts:
MrsHappyAndMrCool · 30/05/2018 01:15

upnorthlassie - I honestly think tomorrow trip should be cancelled.

Original poster
upnorthlassie · 30/05/2018 04:06

@MrsHappyAndMrCool I do think you are over egging it a little. It's not a trip to the outback. I'm sure no lone female moments will occur with some careful time management.

OP posts:
Ozgirl75 · 30/05/2018 04:31

Why not just ask a friendly looking woman to help? If I was asked to stand with a 5 year old (5! Presumably at school, maybe even in year 1) while a man did a wee, it wouldn’t occur to me to say no. What would anyone worry about? The bloke’s in the loo, it’s not like he can do a runner.

I live in Australia where we have family toilets everywhere (a cubicle within a family room) - amazed they don’t have that in the UK.

Monty27 · 30/05/2018 04:40

He can't take her out because of bathroom issues I don't think.

Original poster
upnorthlassie · 30/05/2018 04:41

@Ozgirl75 yeah he is Ozzie born so he said that too about the toilets over there. The uk isn't kitted out quite the same often.
She literally turned 5 the other week.

OP posts:
Original poster
upnorthlassie · 30/05/2018 04:42

@Monty27 so what age would it be alright for her to be taken out by him? I don't have children that age or a girl so it won't occur with our kids.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 30/05/2018 04:48

It's really when she is old enough to be left alone while your DH uses the bathroom.
There probably isn't a law as such but you need to consider the risks.
And no way on earth should he take her to the male loo.
I am not legally qualified I am talking in common sense I hope.

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat · 30/05/2018 05:11

I can't believe the OP is being bullied into changing the plans for her dp and the children! Yes, it's an unusual situation, but it's more common than people would like to believe. Children who have been victims of sexual abuse very often have to be left in the charge of non family members of both sex for a variety of reasons, and at some point the adult may need to use the bathroom.

And all men are certainly not paedophiles!

The answer to the problem is I believe, ask a member of staff to stay outside the accessible bathroom with all the children while the adult pops in to use the toilet. If the first member of staff is too busy, there will be another who won't be.

The child's mother trusts the ops dp. The op trusts her dp. Presumably the child also trusts the dp. There are no safeguarding issues here as long as the situation is dealt with properly.

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