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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how on earth I am actually going to meet someone

78 replies

paintinspiration · 29/05/2018 00:14

Gettting divorced. It has been very traumatic and sad. Finally ex has moved out. He is already with someone new (and has been for about 5 or 6 months).

Ex was my first and only boyfriend and we were together for 22 years.

I now feel that I have gone back to being a nun and this is it for me relationship wise Sad.

But also, how am I going to meet someone when I have 3 dc who are mostly with me for the moment. One of my dc has anxiety and is adamant that she is never going to stay with ex / visit him.

Honestly, how do you “meet people” when you are panicking about: having to find a new job, how you are going to cope with your new financial obligations, your dc with anxiety issues, messy house that needs maintenance, all dc in general, etc etc

And time is passing.

I have a good friend who has been single for years - attractive / kind / funny.

AIBU to think that meeting someone is purely down to chance and that in my situation I am just not going to have the opportunity?

Plus I think I am strangely puritanical / shy.

Honestly, I feel like a frumpy Mary Whitehouse and I don’t like it Sad. Sex and affection are just things which happen to other people Sad, and the lack of both was one of the factors in the breakdown of my marriage.

OP posts:
Butterflykissess · 29/05/2018 00:17

I've decided I'm single for life now. 4 kids no support no time to meet anyone as I have them with me all the time and I won't bring men around my children. Lots of other people do though .

applesandpears56 · 29/05/2018 00:19

Meet someone at your new job - two birds one stone!
Maybe look for a career/job where you are likely to meet men (ie not a female oriented job)

Original poster
paintinspiration · 29/05/2018 00:20

No I wouldn’t bring people to the house while my dc were there either.

Single for life is just so depressing though. You never know what might be round the corner butterflykisses?

OP posts:
Butterflykissess · 29/05/2018 00:23

I know no single me n or none of the ones I know I would date anyone lol so literally my only hope would be man around the house with the kids . No dates etc. It's not for me and the kids wouldn't like it either. Does get lonely though.

Original poster
paintinspiration · 29/05/2018 00:26

Maybe look for a career/job where you are likely to meet men (ie not a female oriented job) - yes I had thought of that - but I do school admin which by definition holds no dating hope Grin. I had been trying to move into another field (not because of the men Grin) but it’s hard.

I know this is a first world problem, but is this really it?

OP posts:
Original poster
paintinspiration · 29/05/2018 00:27

Does get lonely though. - yes.

OP posts:
KlutzyDraconequus · 29/05/2018 00:27

depends on what you're looking for.

sex for a woman is easy to find, sign up to Fabswingers and I can guarantee within an hour you'll have lots of offers.

companionship is easy to find, join a hobby and go regularly.

a proper boyfriend / lover / companion etc is harder.
you can date during school hours tho. the right man wouldn't care about you having kids and would see you when you can be seen.

just don't ever try to make a relationship fit just for the sake of it. when the right one comes along it will naturally and easily fit.

(but also be patient. I've been single dad for almost a year and had little but a few dead end dates in that time..)

Whatisgoinon · 29/05/2018 00:27

OP I think you are worrying too much. Take some time to settle into being a strong woman, standing on your own 2 feet and have confidence that things will get better because they will.

applesandpears56 · 29/05/2018 00:33

I agree with the take your time and let things settle first

But Wink admin in a fire station? Admin/desk job in a gym?

Or take up a hobby that loads of guys do when your ex will have the kids - cycling, cricket, climbing, cooking, tennis etc?

proudbrows · 29/05/2018 00:41

Ah I remember feeling the same when I split with my ex DH! I focussed on my children, feeling amazing that I was ‘doing it’ on my own, building and nurturing friendships, working on my spirituality and getting comfortable in my own skin. I had no wish to meet anyone else (although my ex was absolutely dreadful and I was so happy that I’d finally managed to get rid of him) and couldn’t imagine having sex with someone new (although I was physically in great shape!) didn’t see how it worked in terms of meeting someone new and introducing them to my DC, what if that didn’t work out, how many chances did you get in terms of, well, you can’t keep introducing new men can you! (Not judging those who do) So I decided I was better off on my own. Then. Rekindled a friendship with someone I used to know, we became the very best of friends and just adored each other. We went for walks out, cinema trips etc...one night he came round to mine, we had a laugh as usual, when he left he gave me the usual hug goodbye. I closed the door behind him and stood in my kitchen at 1am feeling like I’d suddenly, out of nowhere, been hit by a thunderbolt that left me reeling! The next night, I got a text from him, saying he knew I was happy on my own and we have a great friendship but he’d like it to be more but would totally understand if I didn’t want that...turned out, 6 months after my husband had gone, I very much wanted it to be more with this man! Almost 3 years later and we are still intensely in love....and the sex, when it came to it, was amazing! When the time is right, when you are happy and content and probably when you least expect it, it will happen! Focus on you and your DC for now and the universe will take care of the rest!

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 29/05/2018 00:49

get into tough mudders, military fitness, cross fit. this is where you meet men. if you were a man i'd tell you to go to yoga. Volunteer for the red cross... alternatively join the gold club for a rich one :)

I prefer being single. ~fall in love with yourself. Men are a pain in the @@@@

Original poster
paintinspiration · 29/05/2018 09:44

sex for a woman is easy to find, sign up to Fabswingers and I can guarantee within an hour you'll have lots of offers.

companionship is easy to find, join a hobby and go regularly.

a proper boyfriend / lover / companion etc is harder.

It would be the third and the second - I think I must be a bit of a prude - I couldn’t do the ONS thing.

OP I think you are worrying too much.

Yes I agree. There are moments when it hits me though - how utterly celibate my life is.

admin in a fire station

Grin

proudbrows your story is lovely - I am so glad you found happiness with your friend.

mountains I can also relate to what you are saying - having just come out of a marriage which had been difficult for many years, who’s to say I won’t get into an equally difficult new relationship - if I ever manage to leave my house for an evening!

OP posts:
VogueVVague · 29/05/2018 09:57

Rockclimbing. Seriously.

Racecardriver · 29/05/2018 09:59

I think that you need to take a little bit of time to sort yourself out and put relationships to one side. When you are ready to get back into it try asking friends to set you up or try OLD

MiggeldyHiggins · 29/05/2018 10:02

Honestly, how do you “meet people” when you are panicking about: having to find a new job, how you are going to cope with your new financial obligations, your dc with anxiety issues, messy house that needs maintenance, all dc in general, etc etc

I don't think you do. You're not even divorced, he has just moved out, if its traumatic and sad for you imagine what its like for your children. I'm surprised your focus would be on meeting people right now, rather than sorting out your children, your job, your finances, all of which are far more important.

OohMrDarcy · 29/05/2018 10:09

I've been single nearly 4 years now and I know where you are coming from.

Initially I focused on helping my DC through the breakup etc which took some time, and now.. well I'm still alone. I work in a male dominated field, but am home based so don't often see other people. I've taken up a hobby which I love but I'm not able to get there often.

As a positive it has enabled me to get used to just being around other men and get used to physical contact (it is a dance hobby) which has been nice but was weird at first. Most people who go are in couples so it doesn't really help with the relationship side though.

I couldn't do ONS, I tried online and hated it (and the guys I met were all weirdos) .. so now I'm resigned to just pootling along alone. If I meet someone and something happens, great - but I'm happy enough on my own.

haba · 29/05/2018 10:11

I think it's still really early days and 22 years is a very long time; you're probably a very different person now to when you and exH got together.

Don't rush things. Enjoy time by yourself first, rediscover what it is that makes you happy, what is interesting and exciting for you. Then, start to do something around those things, and make new friends... there'll be someone out there.

DuchyDuke · 29/05/2018 10:16

Enjoy the single life first for a bit. Sounds like your ex was a cheat? Remind yourself of that every time you feel envious of his new relationship. In the meantime, get your hair and nails done, go to the gym, get some new clothes, meet up with friends. Live your best single life basically. Then when you’re ready join a rock climbing or cycling or running / walking club and let the gorgeous hunks take you out lol.

Original poster
paintinspiration · 29/05/2018 10:17

I'm surprised your focus would be on meeting people right now, rather than sorting out your children, your job, your finances, all of which are far more important.

My focus is on all of the things you mention, and I know that the situation is traumatic for all of us. I have lived and am living through it and it has involved agonising over all of it for the past year and half. I didn’t want my dc to have our marriage as a blueprint for their own nor to think it was okay for their dad to be yelling at their mum / and/or not speaking to her for weeks on end as used to happen.

I am not actively trying to meet anyone, or have the confidence to really, I am projecting into the future and wondering how people do do it, when they are so bound up with their responsibilities.

if its traumatic and sad for you imagine what its like for your children.

I really don’t need to be told things like this. I am trying to make sure that they do not feel traumatised - and they are now living in a more peaceful household, while still regularly seeing ex and hopefully for much longer periods of time once he is more settled.

It’s true that ex has just properly moved out, but he has been away for some nights every week for months now and managed to get together with someone else literally as soon as it became clear that we would no longer be together.

I am just thinking aloud. I don’t actually expect to meet anyone in any case.

OP posts:
Original poster
paintinspiration · 29/05/2018 10:18

Sorry - missed the last few messages - am reading them now.

OP posts:
DuchyDuke · 29/05/2018 10:19

Oh and OLD isn’t seedy. Like anything it depends on the people you meet.

MiggeldyHiggins · 29/05/2018 10:20

Well then you've answered your own question which you apparently didn't mean anyway. How do you meet people when you are doing all those other things, you don't, which you say you knew and have no intention of doing anyway. So what exactly was the point of the thread?

Trinity66 · 29/05/2018 10:20

You'd be surprised, you could meet someone anywhere, new job supermarket, social event, through friends or family etc or of course you could be pro active if you really want to meet someone and join a dating site. It seems very unfair though how in the majority of cases the men get to swan off back in full time single man mode/part time parent

Original poster
paintinspiration · 29/05/2018 10:25

miggeldyhiggins

Because like others I get lonely sometimes and I have realised to what an extent I actually have little time, and how this will probably be the same in the future too. So I was asking for others’ experiences. I am not sure why you have to sound so judgemental?

OP posts:
MiggeldyHiggins · 29/05/2018 10:26

How am I judgemental when you say you think exactly the same as what I said? You don't make any sense. First its "how do I do something I have no intention of doing" and now its "your judgemental for saying what I said as well"

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