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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how on earth I am actually going to meet someone

78 replies

paintinspiration · 29/05/2018 00:14

Gettting divorced. It has been very traumatic and sad. Finally ex has moved out. He is already with someone new (and has been for about 5 or 6 months).

Ex was my first and only boyfriend and we were together for 22 years.

I now feel that I have gone back to being a nun and this is it for me relationship wise Sad.

But also, how am I going to meet someone when I have 3 dc who are mostly with me for the moment. One of my dc has anxiety and is adamant that she is never going to stay with ex / visit him.

Honestly, how do you “meet people” when you are panicking about: having to find a new job, how you are going to cope with your new financial obligations, your dc with anxiety issues, messy house that needs maintenance, all dc in general, etc etc

And time is passing.

I have a good friend who has been single for years - attractive / kind / funny.

AIBU to think that meeting someone is purely down to chance and that in my situation I am just not going to have the opportunity?

Plus I think I am strangely puritanical / shy.

Honestly, I feel like a frumpy Mary Whitehouse and I don’t like it Sad. Sex and affection are just things which happen to other people Sad, and the lack of both was one of the factors in the breakdown of my marriage.

OP posts:
Mintychoc1 · 29/05/2018 10:26

On line dating is pretty mainstream these days, loads of people do it, and loads of people meet partners that way. Go to the dating thread on Relationships - lots of ups and downs there.

I first looked at online dating about 10 years ago. I realised I wasn’t ready, but it was reassuring to know there were hundreds of people just like me out there.

I had another look 2 years ago, and on my first evening I got chatting to a man who I’ve been with ever since.

OP you do have options, don’t despair

KlutzyDraconequus · 29/05/2018 10:28

why shouldn't OP be thinking of a relationship?

she's a parent... she's not dead.

get ex settled and a routine for the children where they see him for at least one evening a week.
ample time for a busy woman to relax with a hobby or a date.

Online Dating is perfect for busy people, there was a dating thread on MN I don't know if there still is. maybe have look there for advice on that.

most of all you do what you feel is right. being in a long drawn out break up is tough. a bit of human kindness and contact with a few drinks and dates might be just what you need to lift your spirits.
as long as you're wary about the guys on line.. some, not all, but some are a bit creepy and perverted. learn to laugh at photos of shrivelled cocks..
(tbf.. in my experience the women online dating are much the same.. just send less dick photos)

Original poster
paintinspiration · 29/05/2018 10:29

No I thought your first post was judgemental in tone miggeldy - it made me feel defensive and as if I had to justify myself. It is possible to wonder about these things (men) and still take care of my responsibilities. Anyway I don’t want to argue.

OP posts:
MiggeldyHiggins · 29/05/2018 10:31

It wasn't judgemental, it was factual.

Original poster
paintinspiration · 29/05/2018 10:31

she's a parent... she's not dead.

Yes this ^

OP posts:
Original poster
paintinspiration · 29/05/2018 10:32

It wasn't judgemental, it was factual.

Ok Smile.

OP posts:
Original poster
paintinspiration · 29/05/2018 10:35

Initially I focused on helping my DC through the breakup etc which took some time, and now.. well I'm still alone.

OohMrDarcy - I can relate to this and I think this is the reality for many people.

OP posts:
Cat2014 · 29/05/2018 10:35

Goodness miggledyhiggins you’re being incredibly harsh! Nasty comments totally uncalled for

MiggeldyHiggins · 29/05/2018 10:38

Harsh? WTF are you talking about? There are no nasty or harsh comments.

Original poster
paintinspiration · 29/05/2018 10:41

most of all you do what you feel is right. being in a long drawn out break up is tough.

Yes and it feels really surreal (the breakup).

I think it’s about wanting to be happy again and feel emotions other than the ones which have dominated the past few years.

To be fair though, I don’t need to date to feel more alive - re-kindling friendships which I have had to put on the back burner while all of this has been happening, will be nice.

a bit of human kindness and contact with a few drinks and dates might be just what you need to lift your spirits

Yes. I definitely wouldn’t have a thick enough skin for OLD though.

OP posts:
Spottytop1 · 29/05/2018 10:45

I met my now fiancé on a dating app.

Once ready to meet new people after my marriage of 15 years ended I found it hard to go out and about to meet people due to work/Kids so a dating app suited me best.

It took a while to wade through those who just wanted 'fun' but it was worth it

Original poster
paintinspiration · 29/05/2018 10:45

I would just be thinking that people think I am too old, or that they are noticing my wonky teeth Confused.

OP posts:
KlutzyDraconequus · 29/05/2018 10:45

Yes. I definitely wouldn’t have a thick enough skin for OLD though

try Bumble.
it is online dating... but it puts all the power in the woman's hands and us blokes have to wait for you to send the first message. :)

hell.. just get those old friends together for a few gins in the local.. see if a nice chap there takes your fancy ;)

Original poster
paintinspiration · 29/05/2018 10:46

Sorry spotty - that was a follow on from my previous post.

OP posts:
Original poster
paintinspiration · 29/05/2018 10:47

try Bumble.
it is online dating... but it puts all the power in the woman's hands and us blokes have to wait for you to send the first message

Yes I’ve heard about bumble, but once the first message has been sent I guess you can still be “rejected”?

OP posts:
Badhairday1001 · 29/05/2018 10:51

You will meet somebody and your kids will be fine. I’ve been single for just over a year now after a very long relationship. I felt the same that despite having lots to do practically I still wondered if I would ever meet anybody new and have an emotional and physical connection with them. I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling like that. Coming out of a long relationship really knocks your confidence.

After a year my children are happy, settled and thriving. I’m getting time to myself and enjoying my freedom. I’ve started internet dating and although I’m not looking for anything serious I would like sex and companionship. I’ve met some nice people and the weirdos have been easy to weed out. I’m enjoying the attention at the moment and feel really positive that I will meet someone when the time is right.

MsGameandWatching · 29/05/2018 10:53

I have remained single. Two children with autism, their father rarely sees them. I have accepted it now and having been married twice, it's not something I would want to do again and my kids would hate to have to live with someone else so what's the point really? The thought of trying to accommodate someone else into my life exhausts me. It might not be right for you but I got a dog, I have never been more social or talked to more adults than I do these days out dog walking. It's the same faces and you chat about your dogs and it evolves into being really pleased to see each other. Dogs are better than men anyway.

wijjy · 29/05/2018 10:56

I know this is a first world problem,

I can't offer you any useful advice, but I can say that this is definitely not a first world problem. Despairing of meeting someone is a problem for people in the first world and the developing world and everwhere in between.

Somerville · 29/05/2018 11:03

You have definitely said some harsh things, Miggedy and you're being disingenuous by claiming you're just being factual. Not all children are traumatised by divorce, and their mother discreetly dating is not going to traumatise children further.

OP my marriage ended traumatically, though differently to yours (widowed). Looking back I can see that for a period of time I had no chance of meeting someone at all - I was too busy licking my wounds in a corner to notice a good man, despite knowing I didn't want to be alone forever. And then I realised that what I wanted for my kids was that they didn't focus on their trauma, and on the past, but on all the opportunities ahead, and on living life to the full. So I threw myself into living, and improved my career, made more friends, got fitter and stronger... and then quite quickly met someone wonderful (through work). Luck is involved of course and some times people don't get the good things they deserve... but, but, BUT... we're more likely to get lucky with an attitude of wanting to experience all that life has to offer, even though that's sometimes terrifying. (And developing that attitude after trauma is a process and doesn't happen overnight.) Being honest and open with your wider support network helps. A good therapist also helped me.

MiggeldyHiggins · 29/05/2018 11:05

could you quote all of the harsh things I've said please? No, becuase they aren't there. OP even said she agreed with what I said!

Badhairday1001 · 29/05/2018 11:06

Well said Somerville!

Butterflykissess · 29/05/2018 11:21

I think you were very judgemental. Her ex has moved on. Why can't she! Why does no one ever say anything about the man moving on. My ex was living with someone 6 weeks after we broke up who he had only met once! As long as the op isn't introducing them to her children straight away I can't see a problem with her thinking about dating.

MsGameandWatching · 29/05/2018 11:26

I think you're derailing the thread Miggeldy and there was a judgmental and unpleasant tone to your posts. A number of people have said it now. Why don't you just gracefully accept that you might have sounded that way or if you can't do that, bow out and let the OP have a thread that isn't full of arguing.

MiggeldyHiggins · 29/05/2018 11:35

I'm not, the people claming I said nasty harsh things that I clearly did not say are derailing the thread. I merely gave OP a factual answer that she agreed with, then everyone started kicking me for no good reason!

HollyGibney · 29/05/2018 11:44

And yet you're the only one who thinks this...