To ask how on earth I am actually going to meet someone

[paintinspiration]

Gettting divorced. It has been very traumatic and sad. Finally ex has moved out. He is already with someone new (and has been for about 5 or 6 months).

Ex was my first and only boyfriend and we were together for 22 years.

I now feel that I have gone back to being a nun and this is it for me relationship wise .

But also, how am I going to meet someone when I have 3 dc who are mostly with me for the moment. One of my dc has anxiety and is adamant that she is never going to stay with ex / visit him.

Honestly, how do you “meet people” when you are panicking about: having to find a new job, how you are going to cope with your new financial obligations, your dc with anxiety issues, messy house that needs maintenance, all dc in general, etc etc

And time is passing.

I have a good friend who has been single for years - attractive / kind / funny.

AIBU to think that meeting someone is purely down to chance and that in my situation I am just not going to have the opportunity?

Plus I think I am strangely puritanical / shy.

Honestly, I feel like a frumpy Mary Whitehouse and I don’t like it . Sex and affection are just things which happen to other people , and the lack of both was one of the factors in the breakdown of my marriage.

Just to add, OP, most of my friendships started out online - we chatted lots before we met, whether as part of a group or for coffee, because I am ridiculously shy. It was only when I felt secure that I met them at all. That's something very good about online friendships - you have the chance to talk a lot and make your position clear, and they know more about you too, so when you do meet, it's easier. Or you can just fob them off with excuses

It's not easy being on your own, especially with DC. But it has made me reflect a lot more on why I would want to be with someone now, and what would draw us together. For me, it's been heritage stuff. You have interests, so explore them - I bet you'd be amazed at how many local groups there are to you that would cover things you want to be involved with.

it has made me reflect a lot more on why I would want to be with someone now, and what would draw us together.

Yes - especially once you have dc already, and having been through a marriage break up - there would be less tolerance for game playing as well I imagine.

Like I said, we got to know one another through mutual interests, so we had something in common from the start. Some people I got to know I couldn't actually stand, but a few of them have turned out to be incredibly good friends It made me realise too that exP & I just sort of drifted along - there was nothing to motivate either of us to split up, we carried on together because we didn't really know what else to do. It was easier to stay together.

There's a lot to be said for getting to know someone first, and realising you see the world the same way, not just sticking with someone because they're there & you put up with each other, iyswim?

Have a serious think about something you'd like to get into, just for you. Nothing romantic has to come from it, but it could give you some confidence and a feeling that it's not just all about the DC. It gives me a boost, every time Especially as I've said that honestly, I'm not ready for another relationship - people have hung about because they like me for me. It's a lovely feeling to have - and I know if I ever did embark on a new relationship, they wouldn't mess me around, because we're already friends.