To ask how on earth I am actually going to meet someone

[paintinspiration]

Gettting divorced. It has been very traumatic and sad. Finally ex has moved out. He is already with someone new (and has been for about 5 or 6 months).

Ex was my first and only boyfriend and we were together for 22 years.

I now feel that I have gone back to being a nun and this is it for me relationship wise .

But also, how am I going to meet someone when I have 3 dc who are mostly with me for the moment. One of my dc has anxiety and is adamant that she is never going to stay with ex / visit him.

Honestly, how do you “meet people” when you are panicking about: having to find a new job, how you are going to cope with your new financial obligations, your dc with anxiety issues, messy house that needs maintenance, all dc in general, etc etc

And time is passing.

I have a good friend who has been single for years - attractive / kind / funny.

AIBU to think that meeting someone is purely down to chance and that in my situation I am just not going to have the opportunity?

Plus I think I am strangely puritanical / shy.

Honestly, I feel like a frumpy Mary Whitehouse and I don’t like it . Sex and affection are just things which happen to other people , and the lack of both was one of the factors in the breakdown of my marriage.

@MiggeldyHiggins
You added a boring, literal minded and mean spirited comment on a thread about a woman looking for ideas for the future.
You have been TOLD, sista

Wow, and I'm meant to be the harsh one? You're nuts.

lookit, its pretty simple. OP is in the middle of a sad and traumatic (her words) divorce, he's only just moved out, her kids are anxious, she needs a new job and to sort out her finances and her home, and she asked how does she meet a new dude. Simple answer, right now you don't. I know it, she knows it, all of you giving out shit know it.

At some point in the future she does it the same way everyone else does it.

No judgement, no harshness, just the reality that we all know is true.
So when you'd like to apologise I'll happily accept.

It's making me how little insight you have.

I merely gave OP a factual answer

sounded more opinionated than factual.

accusing OP of putting her children at risk of emotional turmoil. thinly veiling your opinion that she shouldn't be thinking of herself. etc etc.

it was a shitty thing to say to someone going through what OP is going through and the more you attempt to weakly defend your opinion the more you're compacting the shittyness of what you said.

it's one thing for OP to say,
"I am putting my kids first"
it's another for you to attempt guilt tripping her.

I don't think you do.
that's your opinion, notnupntotou how OP thinks or acts.

You're not even divorced, he has just moved out
nothing to do with you his current situation and OP knows her situation better than you.

if its traumatic and sad for you imagine what its like for your children
your opinion, OP knows her kids better than you. it's up to her when / if she meets someone, not you.

I'm surprised your focus would be on meeting people right now
your opinion, it's fuck all to do with you. OP has said herself it's been a long drawn out break up. she may have been married for 50+years but lonely for 40.

sorting out your children, your job, your finances, all of which are far more important
your opinion again.
happy.mum = happy kids.
and who's to say that dating somehow removed the ability to sort her kids out? they're not mutually exclusive. it's not date or look after kids. most people with a normally functioning brain are capable of doing 2 things at once.

your opinion, it's fuck all to do with you

It's aibu you dingbat, of course its my opinion! Thats the fucking point!

My opinion, your opinion, her opinion. Its fuck all to do with any of us, but OP asked us all to comment.

Jesus, where did you think you were?

happy.mum = happy kids

(inane and wrong, generally)

Mate i may be nuts but youre off your bloody rocker.

I dont normally do this, its not something im generally comfortable with, but just this once im gunna hit the caps:

SHE WAS WONDERING HOW SINGLE MUMS MEET SOMEONE, LATER DOWN THE LINE, WHEN THE DUST HAS SETTLED, LIKE IN A YEAR OR TWO OR SOMETHING.

Does that make a bit more sense to you now?

I needed love and affection more than ever after I'd separated. You aren't unreasonable to think about how to find love again. A bit of dating was the glue that helped me face all the challenges in the aftermath. Some people prefer space to regroup, others have been so lonely for years they crave company. Not shipping in a new dad for the kids but simple private intimacy and care. Guardian Soulmates is much less of a meat market than other online dating. I found all sorts there. You don't have to be seeking a new husband, I made some nice friends had everything from a couple of lunchtime coffees, to flings and have a nine month relationship now which is long distance but gives me the space to sort kids and work. If you are anxious about dating I'd try Soulmates over other sites. You can just chat to people and take things at your own pace.

Jesus, where did you think you were?

where did you think you were.. dressing up your opinion as facts.. there was no factual input, only ramblings of some incoherent projecting of your own insecurities.

but please, continue.. it's entertaining.
I do hope OP can see the vast majority of us are on her side.

I am a single father with two children whom have no contact with their mother. I too was married for twenty two years and my wife left and divorced five years ago. I have not been able to date as I was completely broken hearted. More recently I have started to notice how many couples there are, holding hands, laughing or just in conversation. None of which I have but now desperately want. But who wants a single father, emotionally damaged and frightened of intimacy. My ex wife is the only one I have ever been intimate with ...
I. Like you, do not know where to start.

Hi paintinspiration.

Your thoughts are normal, having said that it is very early days regards wondering what the next stage is. I was in a similar situation to you 8yrs ago this weekend just gone. Married for 21yrs, together 27yrs my world fell apart.

It took me a year concentrating on looking after my dc before I ventured out with girl friends which increased my confidence. Are there any work gatherings you can go to?

After going out, losing weight and getting more confident I dabbled in online dating. As another poster mentioned it has its share of oddballs...... Three years ago I met my now partner through a dating site. Firstly, I would suggest you find yourself then venture out a little. As others have mentioned see what groups you can join. I found Zumba helped me in the early days.

You mentioned your daughter is adament she won’t see/visit your ex this may change - never give up hope. It could be the breakup that is playing havoc with her anxiety - give her time.

Enjoy finding you.

I think anybody who wants to meet someone can, there will be other people out there in the same position. It does involve putting yourself out there though which is scary because it can lead to rejection. I think it is worth it though if you feel emotionally strong enough because loneliness is soul destroying and meeting new people can be a lot of fun.

Thanks to everyone for all your messages.

I am so sorry that you were widowed somerville.

we're more likely to get lucky with an attitude of wanting to experience all that life has to offer, even though that's sometimes terrifying. (And developing that attitude after trauma is a process and doesn't happen overnight.) Being honest and open with your wider support network helps. A good therapist also helped me.

Yes I agree with this - about deciding that despite all the sad and difficult things, (and the horrible feelings of guilt in my case ), it’s about trying to live as fully as possible and make the most of time.

I was seeing a counsellor but have stopped for a bit and may go back.

When the time comes I will have a look at Guardian Soulmates talith.

I needed love and affection more than ever after I'd separated. - yes - it’s as if a part of me has been closed off for years.

I. Like you, do not know where to start. - I wish you the best of luck MWH.

Sorry that I haven’t mentioned everyone’s posts but I have read and absorbed them all .

I went through a similar experience to you. My husband of 17 years up and left me. Moved in with a new partner in no time at all and left me devastated. I remember I just wanted to press fast forward on my life - it was horrible.
However, I concentrated on myself and my children. I got new hobbies and luckily had a great support network of friends. I soon realised how miserable my marriage was. And before I knew it I was in a place where I felt I was ready to meet someone. I started dating and it gave me confidence. Fast forward to now and I’ve been with my DP for nearly 3 years and could not be happier.

It will happen. Good luck xx

Thanks embod .

Just this comment alone was enough:
. So what exactly was the point of the thread?

How patronising and mean?! You can clearly see ‘the point of the thread’ from the OP

I’ve been single for 5 years since my marriage ended. To be totally honest, I’m absolutely fine about being single - I’ve got wonderful friends and family, my career took off after divorce, lovely house to return to at the end of the day. I did meet a very nice chap, but I was so aware of the practicalities of giving up my lovely single life that I didn’t take it beyond a fling.

I think take your time and get other things sorted first. Although (this is a bit tongue in cheek) a job in a software company would be great for you :)

I had a look at Guardian Soulmates without subscribing, just to see what it is like and I think if I ever do meet someone it will have to be in real life. So many two dimensional mugshots - how do you get a real sense of what people are like - and everyone seems so desperate in a way (sorry). So many men all on one page. It was too much. And a lot of them were looking for people who are younger than I am in any case.

All I wanted was my husband without all the problems in our relationship (!).

And if I did have to put a profile up god knows what it would say - recently separated, looks after three stroppy teenagers, is worried about money, erm

that’s it .

Think I might have to stick to looking after my lovely dc for the moment.

So many two dimensional mugshots - how do you get a real sense of what people are like

how many had Snapchat filters? lol

but I know what you mean. but you get to know them via WhatsApp or messaging for a little while :)

Hobbies, OP, hobbies are where it's at.

I left exP 2 1/2 yrs ago now, and I'm still very happily single. The difference is that I threw myself into various groups and interests, and from that I've met some really rather wonderful blokes, several of whom have made it clear they'd like to take the friendship further. I've been honest with them and said I like being on my own too much right now, but I really value their friendship... and who knows what might happen in the future? For now, my DC are my priorities though.

But it's a very good feeling to be seen as a person in my own right again through the stuff that I do - and because we've met through these groups, we have a foundation that's more than just 'I fancy the arse off you, how about it?' Common interests, and more of a gradual build up to friendship and perhaps beyond that. What interests would you like to pursue more of? For me it's been writing/history/archaeology and it's snowballed from there. A lot of the new male friends I have I would never have considered as someone who'd be interested in me otherwise.

My friend split with her exP at around the same time as I did, and has thrown herself into online dating instead. One or two blokes have hung about as friends, but she's found it fairly fruitless to date - IMO because it is all a bit superficial (which isn't to say it doesn't work for some people!).

Ex was my first and only boyfriend and we were together for 22 years.

There's your "problem" right there.

Expecting a man to validate your existence.

Now you have the chance to become a strong single woman - yes, baby steps first - and then you never know what may happen in the future.

Honestly, you only have to skim the posts on MN to see you deserve so much more than grabbing the first man who comes along!

Work on yourself first. Become the best mum you can be (your kids will thank you) and anything else is a bonus!

And. Don't expect Prince Charming either. We all carry baggage from life.

how many had Snapchat filters? lol

- I guess the fear of being rejected or passed over would be too big for me... it was like a man supermarket and I don’t want to be part of a woman supermarket either!

Expecting a man to validate your existence.

I didn’t grab the first man who came along in that sense when I met my husband - I really loved him for many years.

It’s more a kind of panic that it’s all over for me.

Common interests, and more of a gradual build up to friendship and perhaps beyond that.

I agree. Need to think of one or two things to do in any spare time I do get. Just to meet people in general. There are things that I like doing - I have kind of forgotten what they are.

Work on yourself first. Become the best mum you can be (your kids will thank you) and anything else is a bonus!

I also agree .

Now you have the chance to become a strong single woman - yes, baby steps first - and then you never know what may happen in the future.

Yes.