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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask if you think this was rape and should I just get over it

34 replies

mancmummy1414 · 28/05/2018 23:55

When I was 17 and a virgin I dated a man older than me. I had decided to lose my virginity to him, but when he put his penis in me I decided I no longer wanted to. I asked him to stop straight away, but he just said ‘no’ and carried on until the end.
Later I found he had done the same and worse to other women.
It never bothered me, in fact I put it down to just one of those unfortunate things women have to go through, until a couple of years ago when it did start to affect me. I can still only discuss it IRL when drunk.
The other day I went to the cinema with my DS and the new mamma mia film was advertised; I had flashbacks to going watching the first one with all my family and being so happy and hopeful for the future then a couple of weeks later this happened.
I still feel immense guilt if I ever think or talk about this because I feel like I am over dramatising it and compared to what some women go through it’s nothing.
Thoughts?

OP posts:
Casmama · 28/05/2018 23:59

It is absolutely rape and I’m so sorry that happened to you.
It is obviously still affecting you and maybe you would benefit from going through it with a counsellor. I’m not sure how you would go about it- maybe via your GP?

Wildlingofthewest · 29/05/2018 00:00

You told him to stop and he carried on. That is rape. I’m so sorry you’ve had to carry this with you for all this time. Please stop feeling guilty - you haven’t done anything wrong and it’s perfectly ok that you don’t feel comfortable with what happend to you.
Can you confide in someone in real life? Family/friends/partner etc?
So you feel you could talk to someone else about this - a counsellor perhaps?

Dancingtothebeat · 29/05/2018 00:00

Yes, that’s rape.

You might want to contact Rape Crisis who can help put you in touch with therapy that can help you. Contact here:

rapecrisis.org.uk

Regarding reporting to the police, it’s an extremely hard process which doesn’t have great chances of success and unfortunately many women come out of the justice system feeling like that has raped them too. If you want to do it, you would have a greater chance of success if you were prepared to name other victims to the police and the other victims were prepared to talk.

So sorry this has happened to you.

Fruitcorner123 · 29/05/2018 00:01

sorry to hear this happened to you. It was rape and i hope you get the help you need. Flowers

UserV · 29/05/2018 00:04

.

Dieu · 29/05/2018 00:06

So sorry for your ordeal OP x
Have the police been made aware of him?

Stompythedinosaur · 29/05/2018 00:09

Definitely 100% rape!

Really sorry.

Original poster
mancmummy1414 · 29/05/2018 00:09

Thank you all for your lovely replies.
I have only recently confided in family and DH about this so the police are not aware. I know, I’m a terrible person for not reporting it. I feel guilt about that daily. But I fear it would be too late 11 years later and not really something I want to go through (even though I know I should for the sake of other potential victims)

OP posts:
Dieu · 29/05/2018 00:11

Not a terrible person at all, OP. Please don't be so hard on yourself.
I just wondered about the police thing, as you mentioned there had been other victims.

Original poster
mancmummy1414 · 29/05/2018 00:13

One of the other victims is a friend of mine. And I know there are more because one of the girls it happened to, I didn’t know her but I knew her boyfriend, and he told me what had happened and made me promise to stay away from him.

OP posts:
M00nUnit · 29/05/2018 00:13

You're not a terrible person at all OP, you mustn't be so hard on yourself. The only "terrible person" in this situation is the man who raped you. It wasn't your fault and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Dancingtothebeat · 29/05/2018 00:14

I’m a terrible person for not reporting it. I feel guilt about that daily.

Give over. You’re not a terrible person, you had something terrible happen to you which you muddled your way through the best that you could. There is no handbook or instruction manual for this. Denial and suppressing memories is a perfectly normal reaction your mind does to protect you from horrible things.

Original poster
mancmummy1414 · 29/05/2018 00:20

You’ve all been so nice. My horrible anxious mind still tells me I’m an attention seeker, etc.
As soon as it happened (I’ve always suffered from ocd) my ocd and intrusive thoughts became horrendous, I started thinking someone was going to harm my little sister, convinced everyone around me was a paedophile, then what if I was a paedophile?? Contemplated suicide due to the intrusive thoughts.
Got counselling for that when PG because I did not want to go through that again with my DS. I did anyway Sad
I know counselling is defo the one, I just need to psyche myself up for it.
I go mental when friends and family try to kiss, cuddle or tickle my 4 yo DS when he says he doesn’t want to... but that’s not a bad thing by any stretch of the imagination, at least he’s growing up knowing clear boundaries on consent.

OP posts:
BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 29/05/2018 00:32

The second you said no, it became rape. I think you know this.

Rape is not something you 'get over' it is something that has happened and you eventually find a way to deal with. You have NOTHING to feel guilty or bad about, and I can't say how sad I feel for you right now.

Do not feel bad about not going to the police- it can take a long time for people to realise (especially as you were little more than a kid) that a sexual encounter was actually rape.

Just...look after yourself. Find a counselling service and counsellor that you feel comfortable talking to. Do not ever blame yourself. No one ever asks to be raped.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 29/05/2018 00:41

2 lines i read. It's rape.

proudbrows · 29/05/2018 00:52

Definitely rape. Report to the police, with your testimony and that of the other victims, they could build a strong case and a prosecution is by no means out of the question. You are suffering from PTSD as a result of what happened and you can be referred for specialist therapy to help you to cope with this. You will be supported every step of the way with this, you will speak to police officers that are specifically trained in this field and you will be supported up to and during the court process and beyond. Good luck with it and a huge well done to you for taking these steps and reaching out. Hopefully you can be on your way to a more peaceful life very soon. Hugs to you

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 29/05/2018 00:54

It was rape and you should never be expected to get over rape.

Move past the stick feeling yes but not get over it.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 29/05/2018 00:56

Stuck feeling.

Hidingtonothing · 29/05/2018 01:02

Scarily similar situation to my own OP, right down to me knowing other victims he'd done the same thing to, both before and after me. I was only 13 and was experimenting I suppose but I didn't expect it to go beyond a kiss and cuddle. I felt guilty about the other girls for years but I can see now that I couldn't be expected to take on that responsibility, that was solely his.

As Bananas said it isn't something you get over but you do find ways to deal with it, talk as much as you need to (Victim Support and Rape Crisis are both fantastic if you find talking to a stranger easier) and try to be kind to yourself and not go too far down the guilt path, it won't help and you honestly have nothing to feel guilty about. I hope you're ok Flowers

IWantMyHatBack · 29/05/2018 01:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

squeekums · 29/05/2018 01:19

That was rape, you said no. You had every right to revoke consent.
Im so sorry, you have nothing to be ashamed of
Do not be hard on yourself for not reporting, you handled the situation the best you could at the time
I was 12 when it happened to me, i never reported for various reasons, fear of not being believed, i was the run amok kid so who would believe me, it was my fault. Over time that has eased, it was all his fault, none of the blame is mine.
A rape crisis center may be of use to you to chat to someone to help work through the left over trauma.
It never leaves but you learn to manage

Original poster
mancmummy1414 · 29/05/2018 06:54

I want my hat back, why would you troll hunt a subject like this???
I wish it wasn’t real.
Hidingtonothing, I’m so sorry for what happened to you Flowers thanks for your comments and everyone else xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
mancmummy1414 · 29/05/2018 06:55

Squeekums Flowers I hope you’re okay as well, can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like going through that at such a young age, you’re so brave!

OP posts:
MNHQ
HebeMumsnet · 29/05/2018 10:29

We've deleted that post above, OP. Sorry about that. Flowers.

Here's a link to our We Believe You campaign which has some info and contact numbers that might be helpful for anyone who has been a victim of rape.

squeekums · 31/05/2018 22:11

mancmummy, thanks, its been a long road
I try to look at the positive, like its made me a staunch supporter of womens rights, bodily autonomy, consent.
I embrace the fire it gave me in that area which will only ever be a good thing for my dd.

Someone trolled this topic? How bloody low can you get