to ask if you think this was rape and should I just get over it

[mancmummy1414]

When I was 17 and a virgin I dated a man older than me. I had decided to lose my virginity to him, but when he put his penis in me I decided I no longer wanted to. I asked him to stop straight away, but he just said ‘no’ and carried on until the end.
Later I found he had done the same and worse to other women.
It never bothered me, in fact I put it down to just one of those unfortunate things women have to go through, until a couple of years ago when it did start to affect me. I can still only discuss it IRL when drunk.
The other day I went to the cinema with my DS and the new mamma mia film was advertised; I had flashbacks to going watching the first one with all my family and being so happy and hopeful for the future then a couple of weeks later this happened.
I still feel immense guilt if I ever think or talk about this because I feel like I am over dramatising it and compared to what some women go through it’s nothing.
Thoughts?

Sorry it's almost a year later - I am the OP and I've only just felt able to read this again. Thank you mumsnet HQ and all responders xx

Hope you are ok OP and feeling a little better x

That happened to me and yes it is rape. I said no, he kept going. I was drunk and would never have been able to get away and overpower him so in the end I kind of submitted I guess . He wasn’t violent but as soon as I could I left and got out of there. Awful when I think about it now. I was 19 when it happened . It’s awful.

It took me until my late 20’s to recognise and accept that what happened to me at 18, as a virgin, was rape.
I find it immensely helpful to know, 30 years later, that that is what it was. To have other women telling me that I was not the one in the wrong. But I still feel guilty, a shame, that I should have known better, could have done something. I never told my husband.
Do you ever get over it - seemingly not.

Vile man. I hope that girls are starting to think differently.

Hidingtonothing
How awful for you. Both the act and the feelings you had after. You were so little and could not have know how to react after the violation.

squeekums
I am so sorry you thought you wouldn’t be believed. My dd is almost 11. Some of her classmates will be 12 in less than 6 months. To think that something like that could happen to them within the next year is so frightening. I just can’t get my head around men hurting little girls so young and children even younger.

Gosh in my anger at your post and all these posts, I missed that you only revisited the thread a year later. I hope you are finding a way to heal.

I'm so sorry OP. Yes, it was rape, and the feelings you describe are consistent with those so often reported by the victims of a particularly revolting and invasive crime. We internalize feelings of guilt; we minimize our experiences; we tell ourselves other people have had it worse; we question whether what happened to us was as serious as it really was; we fear being disbelieved; we fear being 'victim-blamed', as so often the responses of society were that it probably didn't happen, and even if it did, it must have somehow been our fault.

Play each of these words back at yourself OP if ever you start having thoughts like these: It was not your fault. Rape is never the victims' fault.

I've also posted because your experience in the cinema sounds a familiar one to me. As a victim of trauma I recognized the nature of this symptom in myself, and as a result was diagnosed over two decades later as having been suffering from PTSD. It might be worth investigating whether the same is happening to you. Don't be like me and carry this around with you for years. It won't go away on its own (and I'd reached the stage by which it was making me really ill) but it absolutely is treatable.

I'm sorry you've had this awful experience

Note to self: RTFT. I hope the OP and all other posters are continuing to heal and recover from your experiences.