Sorry this is going to be a long one........Looking for some advice on how to deal with a very tricky family situation. Obviously there are nuances I can’t go into as would be here all night writing up the crazy!
I’ve written this with my sibling as we are facing this together and looking to receive some no-BS AIBU views from people not emotionally involved!
The players involved..... (not real names)
“Mary” : DGM, elderly widow, 97 years old and in failing health.
“Billy” ,Her middle son, “The starving artist” mid-60 something. Presently of no fixed abode. Has resided with Mary rent free for many years.
“Karen” second eldest and only daughter. “The Martyr”.
“Bob”, Karen’s husband.
Rick & Shelly- Karen & Bob’s adult kids (us)
Basically the current situation is as follows. Mary is on her deathbed. Karen and Bob have been caring for her in their home now for 18m, taking care of everything from bills to physical care, meals, doctors appointments, management of her finances leading to positive savings, medications, bathing, toiletting, cleansing, nighttime wakings, helping to sell her home, etc.
They now receive some respite care through a hospice service but for the first 13 months received no help and literally put their lives on hold to care for a very frail lady. They recently helped Mary to sell her home in order to receive that hospice help and free up her estate.
Over the years Billy and two other brothers have taken advantage of Mary in a variety of ways and have led lives which would be too extensive to go through and tangential, but which could form the basis of a mediocre Jackie Collins novel. Karen has never asked for or received any monetary (or much emotional for that matter) support from Mary, who in comparison has always absolutely worshipped the ground her 3 sons have walked on.
Since the recent sale of Mary’s home, Billy has become effectively homeless. Despite having lived rent free with Mary for many years, he did not help with any of her care and did not help her to keep an orderly, clean, sanitary home. Billy has a large warehouse where he keeps his “treasures” and personal collections of “stuff” (hoarder who keeps things of no value). He also has recently taken a rental on a shop front. However he has not prioritised obtaining a home of his own.
The crux of the situation we are now facing is this: Billy feels he has been treated very badly indeed by Karen in “making him homeless”. Billy vocalises this to anyone he meets including Karen’s adult children. Billy has a habit of squatting if he’s invited to stay, sleeping on the sofa, not helping with any care or household aspects, not showering, simply watching tv all day, all while criticising Karen and Bob, eating all the food and generally being unpleasant and ungrateful. He has a victim mentality and expects to be taken care of and not to have to take responsibilities for his own life. He also will not leave until an argument ensues when he is asked to leave and he strops off.
The present situation is this: Mary is (we think) in her last days. She is completely bedridden and has become delusional. It’s very stressful and the care aspect is constant. She sometimes doesn’t recognise Karen but asks for Billy and her other sons constantly. Karen is also very resentful of being left caring for her mother while her brothers have done nothing practical to help, but who are the apples of Mary’s eye.
Billy has proposed to come and stay again to visit Mary in her last days/weeks/months. While they certainly want to ensure Billy has access to Mary in her final days, Karen and Bob do not want Billy to physically stay in their home again because it will add a huge stress to a very trying time. There has been a lot of conflict in the past because of fundamental personality differences and this would not be healthy.
Billy will try passive aggressive and overtly aggressive tactics to work his way into their home again.
The options we can see (and why they’ve been dismissed) are:
- let Billy stay with Karen & Bob (not desirable as above)
- let Billy stay with Rick (Rick’s wife is pregnant and needs to avoid stress. Also Shelly is visiting from out of town and staying with them already to be out of the way)
- Billy sleeps in his van in Karen & Bob’s driveway (not ideal as he will do it if another solution isn’t provided for him)
So- Karen, Rick, Mary & Shelly fund a hotel room nearby for Billy to keep him out of their homes. That’s where we are at and will likely do for him. But it feels completely annoying to provide - again- for Billy when as a 60 something grown-ass man he hasn’t prioritised his own financial security over many years to be able to afford to do this for himself.
AIBU that there doesn’t seem to be another solution? How would you handle this? How can we offer access without having him come in and squat for an indeterminate time period? Thanks for any ideas!!