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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to meet my niece?

128 replies

AsIfIWish · 28/05/2018 21:56

My brother’s girlfriend had her first baby 3 weeks ago. All her family has met her and held her, on day 1. None of my family except my mum (once) have been allowed to. We have all, including my mum, been told we are not allowed to visit, but that they will ‘let us know’ when they are ready to see us. We thought maybe a week or two in, at least, but no... DM thought maybe they just didn't want visitors but they won't come see any of us either. And it's not like she's scared of leaving the house, because they've gone off to a couple of places that are miles away already. Even my Dad hasn’t met his grandchild yet, as he was away the day after she was born which is when my mum was invited to go.

I never try to prescribe how anyone’s behaviour should be, but I am finding this extremely hurtful and upsetting. I have a good relationship with my brother and get on ok with his girlfriend (although we are very different). None of our family can understand why they are being like this. DB is quite under his GFs thumb which doesn’t help, i.e. everything is clearly decided and organised before any event or decision, and my impression is that he wants to go along with it so as to not hurt her feelings, which is lovely, but honestly, seems to be at the expense of everyone else, particularly in this case.

Obviously I understand that having a baby is a massive thing, and that we all cope (or don’t cope, in my case!) in different ways, but the baby is my brother's baby too, not just hers! I just don’t know what to do, if anything... Sad Sad Sad

OP posts:
scrumples · 29/05/2018 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 29/05/2018 19:10

I had overbearing inlaws (at times). They were nice people but didn't 'get' that I am a person who needs their own space. But I didn't cut them off or prevent them from visiting. That would be mean, esp as my own parents visited frequently.
Even though IL relationships can be tricky, it's important to include both sides of the family because children have relationships which are independent of their parents. If we want our dc to be loved by gps and aunts/uncles, we have to help build those relationships.
If your db and sil are not careful, by the time they are 'ready', the rest of the family might decide they've had enough of being treated like second class citizens and decided not to bother.
Having space as a new parent is fine, rven wanting your own mum and not mil is, but you have to be fair and kind.

Elliss2018 · 29/05/2018 19:21

I remember my ex in-laws coming round unannounced a lot after my dt's were born. I was still under the community midwives for a few weeks after their birth and I remember them both staring while the midwife checked my c-section wound, which incidentally was infected!

I'd definitely want a few weeks without visitors if I have any more dc. Try not to take it to heart, it's such an emotional time Thanks

MaverickSnoopy · 29/05/2018 20:26

My two pence worth. Text your DB and offer to drop round a meal. Say that you know that they don't want visitors and you don't plan to come in, but just wanted to show some support. Then see what happens.

crispysausagerolls · 29/05/2018 20:50

MaverickSnoopy

I don’t think this is a great idea - they will feel beholden to OP and uncomfortable if they don’t let her in, so will pressurised to do so.

springsummer12 · 29/05/2018 21:12

Id talk to your DB directly from now on. Don’t trust your DMs version of it. It could well be her who is the centre of the issue. I’d start with just talking on the phone about how they are.

Based on the fact that your GB & GF started spelling things out to you in advance of the birth it sounds like they expected problems from your side of the family and expected a lack of boundaries. It sounds like they have had something difficult experience so with your family in the past and r not willing to tolerate it again especially at such a sensitive time.

Usernameunknown2 · 29/05/2018 21:14

I can understand why thats hurtful and it does seem very unfair.

Given the hostility though i wonder if its more than you think it is. It sounds like they do really have an issue with your family, its possible that this has been building a while.

I know having my baby made me very keen to protect him from a toxic family member and reassess my relationship with them. Is it possible that, whether you agree or not, your brother could gave an issue with someone in your family or some behaviour?

They could just both be users and only contract when they want something but you might want to be open to other ideas from his POV. Have you spoken to him?

Usernameunknown2 · 29/05/2018 21:19

Speak to your brother directly, your mum may be stirring things. She will certainly be adding her own bias. Who knows what she has told your brother and his girlfriend too!

Amanduh · 29/05/2018 21:27

No yanbu.

VikingBlonde · 29/05/2018 23:47

I'd talk to your brother directly. Be very sweet and nice and say what you've said to us - you're dying to meet your little niece but also aware that you don't want to crowd in on "their time". Ask him what would be appropriate, give him some options like, "can I pop round and bring you some cake/dinner, have a quick cuddle with DN and leave you to it when works?" type text? Sounds like hearing things 2nd hand off your DM isn't helping matters!

I'm close to DB & Sil But can't remember how old DN1&2 were when I first met them. Hmm
I had some nice texts with pictures of the babbas in and then I Saw them when I saw them. We are all close now, my DNs are 3&5 - sure you will def meet them soon... hang in there and make a nice cake for them x

PorkFlute · 30/05/2018 00:00

Yabu imo. If you haven’t made the effort to have a close r’ship before then that’s not going to change just because there’s a cute baby to visit.
You clearly don’t have the best opinion of your dbs gf and she no doubt knows this. So I’m not sure why you think she would want to invite you over at a time when she’s tired and vulnerable.

lapenguin · 30/05/2018 00:03

I understand you prefer to have your family instead of in laws after birth, but some people seem to forget its not just a new baby for your family. We make sure to include everyone as equally as possible. It's not just new for mum but for dad too. I also think if there is nothing wrong with in laws then they are making things hard for themselves by excluding them. Yes me and OH's mum don't see eye to eye all the time and yes we have very different parenting styles, but my mum isn't always available to baby sit and I know that my son is safe with paternal grandma and I appreciate the times she has helped us out. By segregating half the family you could lose half your support network.
Its easy to say mum went through labour and if she doesn't want them there it's fine, but it's not. It's hurtful and rude. Her family isn't the child's only family and she needs to accept that and treat both side equally. Whatever excuse she has, inviting all her family to meet the baby and only one member from dad's side is unfair and rude. Yes dad has to put mum and baby first but that doesn't mean he can turn his back on everyone else.

Mummyduck10 · 30/05/2018 00:46

I was like this still am a little and I'm afraid you and the rest of your family will have to suck it up a little.. the maternal family are usually favoured in this scenario im not saying it's right or even fair. My dd is 2 now and I still feel more comftable witb my df then i do with mil. Why dont you just forget about the baby for a sec and think about the mum.. instead of ringing or texting how is the baby why don't you try asking after her? You catch more flies with honey my mil has made a real effort with me after i went really hostile towards her I had pnd and we've become great friends and she has a good relationship with Dd I will always prefer my dad because he's my dad but doesn't mean my dd has to have a favourite.

RomeoBunny · 30/05/2018 00:58

Maternal side of the family normally trumps paternal side. Ask the many mothers (now grandmothers) who have sons and daughters who will openly admit it's different when it's your daughter's child. This isn't just on their part, it's because generally the female's side of the family will have more involvement from day one. Many go against this trend but it's pretty much the norm from every family I've ever known.

Also it sounds like they prempted the whole situation OP and set clear boundaries. Your Brother's family is now him and his child and wife by the sounds of it, maybe you weren't as close as you thought and maybe she's opened his eyes a bit to your family not being so savoury maybe? Who knows.

Think of all the toxic family member threads posted here... maybe your family is one of them?

eeanne · 30/05/2018 01:30

Seems like she posts on MN where the advice is not to have any family around until the baby’s first birthday Hmm

Having said that - 3 weeks isn’t a long time. She’ll be your niece for the rest of your life and your relationship isn’t contingent on whether you held her as a newborn. Plenty of random extended family I meet as an aerial (they’re in another country) say they held me as a baby. So what? I’m not close to them because of that alone.

I do feel some people get obsessed with babies as if the baby won’t become a child and adult who you can get to know.

agnurse · 30/05/2018 03:22

If and when Hubby and I have more children, I will be asking his parents to wait 2 to 3 months to visit the baby. Rationale is that we live in Canada and they are in the UK. I want the baby to have had first shots before they visit.

There is a lot of "But so-and-so gets to see the baby. Why don't we get to see her too?" How much time her family spends with the baby is none of your business. Period. Wait until you're invited.

MaverickSnoopy · 30/05/2018 06:28

@crispysausagerolls do you really think so? I think it depends on the delivery and whether it's genuine and how much the OP insists that they don't want to come in.

I had several friends come to my door with food/gifts after I gave birth who firmly stated that they did not want to come in and just wanted to do something to help. I genuinely took them at face value and was very grateful for their support.

What I am suggesting is meant in the same tone, so they can see the OP is genuine and kind and to help build the bridge that seems to be missing.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 30/05/2018 06:37

Oh dear . You might be in possession of a tricky SIL . They do exist and not a huge amount can be done about them either .

I have basically accepted no relationship with my DN for this reason

I know that’s not a hugely positive thing to say but it can happen and causes pain

Collaborate · 30/05/2018 07:40

Why re some posters blaming the father here? This is classic coercive and controlling behaviour by the mother, alienating the father from his own family. So comments from @Troels and others such as Time your Db grew a pair. are out of order.

Luxembourgmama · 30/05/2018 07:50

Its only been 3 weeks. They are first time parents. Leave them alone!

crispysausagerolls · 30/05/2018 08:04

MaverickSnoopy

I completely see what you are saying, and that the gesture in of itself is lovely and most people would appreciate it.

But I think there is some sort of bad tension in this relationship, and if I had told someone to respect my boundaries (who I didn’t like) and they did the whole “I’ll just drop food round” I would only see it as a way for them to push in. You know - they bring the food and they are on the doorstep and you feel obliged to let them in but you’re seething because you’d specifically said you didn’t want them round. I am NC with my ILS though so I am extremely biased 🙈

stressbucket1 · 30/05/2018 08:31

I have 2 DC and was welcome to visitors the day after we came out of hospital. Is it not normal for grandparents to visit at the hospital? Having a grandchild is a joyous occasion and I think it's cruel to exclude either set of grandparents. Visits were always kept to less than 1hr people bring cake and biscuits and have a cuppa. Thats it not a big deal. OP I hope you get to meet your niece soon.

WaitRun · 30/05/2018 09:18

I live 5 hours away from my in-laws. So I know if they wanted to visit, it'd be a whole weekend of hosting. I was certainly not ready for this at 3 weeks. I was shattered and exhausted. The mature thing to do is to call your brother and ask him if everything is ok and if there's anything you can do to help them.

Dobbythesockelf · 30/05/2018 09:43

stressbucket I think the point is that some grandparents do not just stay an hour. Some stay for hours on end, expect you to wait on them and get cross if you won't let them constantly hold the baby. We have no idea if the op's family are like this or not.

rainingcatsanddog · 30/05/2018 09:44

@Collaborate The OP suggests that the mum is being 100% unreasonable but the brother is an adult man who could be facilitating a relationship between his family and child too. Whether he's going along with the imbalance for a quiet life or because he agrees with his partner's reasoning, that makes him 50% responsible for what's going on.
Mums aren't the sole gatekeeper to getting access to a baby. The baby has 2 parents. In many families I've noticed that the men only spend time with their families because the wife works hard at maintaining that relationship. The OP suggests that the partner isn't liked very much so it's up to the brother to work at his child's relationship with his family.