To want to meet my niece?

[AsIfIWish]

My brother’s girlfriend had her first baby 3 weeks ago. All her family has met her and held her, on day 1. None of my family except my mum (once) have been allowed to. We have all, including my mum, been told we are not allowed to visit, but that they will ‘let us know’ when they are ready to see us. We thought maybe a week or two in, at least, but no... DM thought maybe they just didn't want visitors but they won't come see any of us either. And it's not like she's scared of leaving the house, because they've gone off to a couple of places that are miles away already. Even my Dad hasn’t met his grandchild yet, as he was away the day after she was born which is when my mum was invited to go.

I never try to prescribe how anyone’s behaviour should be, but I am finding this extremely hurtful and upsetting. I have a good relationship with my brother and get on ok with his girlfriend (although we are very different). None of our family can understand why they are being like this. DB is quite under his GFs thumb which doesn’t help, i.e. everything is clearly decided and organised before any event or decision, and my impression is that he wants to go along with it so as to not hurt her feelings, which is lovely, but honestly, seems to be at the expense of everyone else, particularly in this case.

Obviously I understand that having a baby is a massive thing, and that we all cope (or don’t cope, in my case!) in different ways, but the baby is my brother's baby too, not just hers! I just don’t know what to do, if anything...

Well there'll be a reason. It may not be one you like or agree with OP, but if there will be a reason.

What do YOU think it might be?

To be honest it seems like you have an issue with the SIL so I can understand why she would have her own, presumably more supportive, family to visit and not invite you yet.

Why is it women who are ALWAYS blamed for not facilitating the relationships of the men in families?

IME most men in families don't bother with any tally of how often they see their extended family, let alone feel they need the women getting all pissed off on their behalf!

It doesn't sound like you particularly like this girl, I can kind of see why she isn't letting you come over. My parent's and family saw our children before my husband's family and my family visited whenever I invited them over, not everyday granted. I wanted it this way, I was the one that had just pushed a human out so I called the shots, my husband respected and supported this. It sounds like your brothers girlfriend is doing the same. I say good on her, hopefully she's enjoying the first few weeks being a mum without having people she doesn't really want there in her house.

Thanks for the replies. I'm sorry it's come across as entitled/possessive because I certainly do NOT believe anyone else has a 'right' to anyone's baby – hence my wording in the title. That's why it makes me sad, because I feel like we've reached a situation that I can't do anything to help. Ordinarily I'd drop meals round, offer to clean, hold the baby so she can rest, etc, but feel that I can't do anyone that because I'm 'not allowed' at their house.

Obviously there is more to it than just not having met DN yet. I didn't expect to meet her straight away either, and when they said they needed time to themselves I said, "sure," fully expecting to wait several weeks, so it's not even that. It's the hostility that seems to have sprung up towards us. Their attitude, especially to my mum, before and since the birth, has been extremely hostile, pushing us away, dictating things in a horrid way. (We are a fairly big family so we tend to keep in touch with DM and then she passes things on to the others. I know some things are tainted by her opinions, which doesn't help.) But rather than (in a pleasant tone) "Sorry, I don't think we can manage visitors at the moment, GF is still recovering/settling in/wants time with the baby" it's been (in a clipped tone) "No you can't come visit, this is OUR time." As I say, most of this is in convos with my mum and she's relayed them to me.

She hasn't been allowed to see the baby since her short visit on day 2, which she would be ok with if not for their attitude. It's really hard to explain but it would make such a difference if DB had worded things differently. He is definitely relaying his GFs (don't know what else to refer to her as!) opinions because he himself is always trying to make everyone make friends and get on.

Regarding my relationship with her, we got on fine, but as I say are very different. I have always tried to never comment on things I dislike, or show disagreement, for the sake of family harmony. Yes, she can probably tell despite my best efforts, but I have always been nice, smiling, pleasant, and she is the same to me. We don't hate each other (I hope!) we're just too different to get on very well.

To answer some other questions, none of us are smokers (except DB, in would-be irony!) and she is not breastfeeding.

Are you sure your mum didn’t do or say anything to upset them when she visited on day 2? It would explain them being rather short with her. Although I am with them on the needing time issue, we are requesting the same second time around as the way DH family treated me with our first baby was rubbish and I won’t be giving them the opportunity to do it again. It’s our special time, and the bonding is important for our little family unit. Everything and everyone else can wait.

If he is relaying her messages and they are short and he is using a clipped voice, she is upset about something. Whether something which has been done or said pre or post birth I have no idea. Or whether she feels you are overburdening or not, I don't know but saying it's "OUR time" is quite defensive and suggests they are worried about you muscling in! Just how I see it. Also be aware you have not actually heard these things directly - your mother may well be sensitive and imagining tones that aren't there or relaying messages that aren't strictly accurate. At least your mother was allowed to go on the second day! I wouldn't want some of my in-laws near me and our baby for months, I can tell you (and neither would DH)!

I’m sure most of us don’t mind our own close family seeing us like that, but Who wants judgey inlaws around when you feel a bag’o shite

Why make an assumption the OPs Mum is "judgey"? Nothing she has said indicates that at all. I would be really hurt if I was in this position.

Man puts partner and baby first and he "should grow a pair".

Some posters on MN need to get a grip.

Your DB and his girlfriend want their space and time. Perhaps they don't want meals, cleaning or a nap whilst you hold the baby. This is exactly the issues so many people on MN raise. Family who don't understand boundaries and want to see the baby ASAP. Back off and leave them alone. You may see the baby in future, but not if you don't take the hint and leave them be.

None of you are entitled to see the baby. It’s not a doll, giving birth is knackering and it’s totally reasonable to want some recovery time afterwards.

I’d be interested to hear the other side of this too.

You need to speak to your brother and find out why his gf is unhappy with his family.

Your mum may simply be saying horrible things which unless you are present you don't know she is saying them. My mum would pretend to be sweetness and light but actually would say horrible things to my SILs. I told my mum she was upsetting them but she refused to listen, so as a result while I was allowed to see my nephews on my own and look after them my mum wasn't. One SIL even relented a year later but I caught my mother saying horrible comments to my nephew about her so ensured she never saw him without two other adults present.

I get that you're trying to be kind and supportive and you sound lovely please adopt my kids so I can go on holiday but I think she needs her space just now. We're all tricky post birth.

Gosh, I think she's being a little rude to her future in laws( I presume) I mean seeing a baby for an hour and half say at the most is not too much to ask, shouldn't really disrupt their bonding time especially as her side have all flocked round, whats wrong with your brother! he sounds like a nasty git if he did speak to your mother like that.

Its not like you want the baby and not her she's definitely being unreasonable.

Crikey Bluebud45! How awful! Well done for not colluding with your mum and for doing what is right.
Has your mum behaved awfully before or was this a total shock?

Why is it her fault and not your brothers? Can you find a way to ask him without sounding confrontational? E.g. is everything ok with us and you mum said you'd been very short with her? Has someone upset sil?

If you want an actual relationship with your niece instead of just wanting to look at a tiny baby then be careful not to push your DB’s family away now, regardless of how rejected you might feel.

I would assume that your SIL feels insecure in some way and would probably drop gifts for her and baby to your brothers work or similar to show you are thinking of them but don’t want to add any extra stresses or step on their toes. Maybe I’m a pushover but she may be in a bad place at the moment and some patience and kindness now could be a huge investment in your future family dynamic.

Does she dislike you? Has she fallen out with your side of the family?

If so I can understand her holding you at arms length in these early weeks. She may be feeling very protective over the newborn and not want many people holding her. She might be in pain or suffering embarrassing side effects from the birth. Or not want to breastfeed in front of you.

I'd give her a few more weeks

This happens when men are weak. There's no other way to put it and be diplomatic..much as I usually try to be diplomatic.

All this nonsense.."It's all about the mummy .. is just ridiculous

Then as time goes on ..these same women moan when their in-laws aren't interested in the baby.

There's not a chance we would be kept away from seeing my DBs children when they were born. My SIL tried to keep us at bay initially ... but this was because she was embarrassed her own family hadn't visited first and she told my DB, she wanted them to see the baby first. Except, they weren't in any hurry to do so.

Luckily my DB wasn't having any of it and I saw my DN.

I meant to add, you sound like a lovely sister in law wanting to help out with meals, cleaning and holding the baby while the parents have a break. I would have loved to have someone like you around when my DD was newborn! Have you offered to do these things? Maybe send a card offering your help, rather than rely on your brother to communicate? She might think you just want to come around and take over or that you would stay for hours expecting cups of tea and meals.
I hope she lets you in soon!

I would say the phrase "our time" makes it sound like they are worried someone in your family will muscle in and become overbearing. We have decided with dc2 that we are refusing visitors for the first few days and after that only short visits with a few people. After my dd was born my dh's family kept showing up and staying for hours. I was trying to get breastfeeding sorted, I'd had a c section, It all made me feel very overwhelmed. I needed time to adjust I think. Of course it could be that she just doesn't like you. But I don't think pushing it will help. Have you spoken to your brother yourself? If not it might be a good place to start. Don't mention going round just ask how he is, how she is etc.

Seriously?? They have a 3 week old baby and she is (presumably) a first time mum. I hadn’t stopped crying after 3 weeks and both sets of parents had only visited once at that point. Back off and wait to be invited.

First 2 weeks I get wanting to maybe keep people at a distance but for weeks and weeks? I’m not sure why this comes up so much on MN cos in RL I’ve never come across this.

With my first DD, my ILs didn’t meet her until she was 4 months old but only cos they live an 8 hour plane journey away - but we sent lots of pictures, videos etc as we wanted them to see our baby.

You sound like a helpful SIL who I’d like to come and make me tea and feed me cake. I’d call your brother and ask him flat out what the story is.

Yanbu to want to see your niece. Your DB sounds like he’s in a similar situation to my DB, I just know that when he and his fiancé have a baby our side of the family won’t get a look in.

Unfortunately there’s nothing you can do about it, as you’ve said they’ve been out and about with the baby and have had lots of visitors from her side so it seems that the relationship between your DB and his OH is more focused on her.

Hopefully you get to see your niece soon

Could they have been short and snippy because of tiredness?

There have been lots of posts on here about extended family being crappy visitors. Some questions to think about:
Do your family expect being waited on hand and foot?
Do they criticise the mum or hog the baby?
Have they offered support to the couple before the birth or are they only interested because of the baby?
Do they overstay their welcome when invited?
Are they likely to take over?
Do they have strong opinions on breastfeeding and other babycare issues like reusable nappies?
Are you the golden child of the family while your brother is the scapegoat?
Have your parents supported your brother's child as much as yours before they were born? Lots of stories of one grandchild (the oldest) getting free childcare, prams etc while the younger one is lucky to get a sleep suit.
Are they likely to pressure the parents into having the baby without mum there?

It sounds like you know how to behave with your post about looking after baby while mum showers etc but could your parents be clueless? It could be that she's unwilling to breastfeed in front of your Dad or feel pressured to clean before your parents arrive as she lacks confidence. Do your parents feel the same way about her as you? My guess is that she knows what you think and that's a reason why they are keeping you at arm's length.

If you are going to be pissed off then you should direct your annoyance at your brother rather than his partner.