To wish I wasn’t gay?

[randomer2]

Probably a bit of a stupid post.

I know I should be very proud of who and what I am, but I find the ‘lesbian’ thing a bit difficult To be honest, the main problem is actually meeting a woman. But then, even so, things like marriage, children, when homophobia is still alive and well is hard.

I don’t know if anyone can understand. But I’d just like to fall in love and have a relationship and family, like any other woman.

If its any consolation i wish i were gay sometimes because i feel like gay women have less social pressures placed on them.

Pressure to get married and buy a house with your husband and have kids.

Pressure to groom for men and play up femininity which i imagine (wrongly? Rightly?) is less pronounced between two women.

I was where you were about 5 years ago Random so I get it. Now I'm very happily married and we're planning on starting a family. When I do have moments where I think things would be simpler if we were straight, I remember that I would be miserable with a man!

Dating is hard though if you're not a big partier- social groups and expanding your friendships are probably your best bet -or Tinder-.

You're imagining it Vouge. Pressure to be groomed and a barbie makes a partner a prick, not a man. Do you think I wear a badge that says 'I'm gay' so people don't judge how I look or dress? Not every lesbian wears DMs and has a shaven head.

Vogue, why don't you try being gay?

Why don’t you think gay women don’t want to marry, don’t want to buy a house, don’t want to have kids? Why don’t you think we don’t want to look our best? Yes, some gay women embrace a “butch” look, but plenty don’t. We’re gay, not sub-human.

Thanks, Tripping, I do find it pretty hard!

My sister met her wife on POF!
They've been together 7 years, married nearly 5. Owned a house since just before they got married.
They have a DS who will be 2 soon (SIL carried him)

Yes, I get all that, but it’s still all quite complex. It would be nice just to meet someone and have children and it not to be difficult!

I met my wife at 26 after thinking similar to you, I honestly thought I would never meet anyone, and I thought children was out of the question. Fast forward 11 years we have been married 9 years and have 2 wonderful son's 8 and 1. We are lucky to have many wonderful friends in our lives- straight and gay couples, single mum's and dads also Grandparents whose grandchildren live with them. It isn't easy and wasn't always easy getting here but we are happy.

Yeah - I didn’t really mean it as a “I’ll never meet anyone” whinge, to be honest. In some ways Vogues misguided posts show the sort of ignorance we still have to deal with.

Not unreasonable. It’s obviously much easier and simpler in many ways being straight. But I look at my straight friends and almost all of them have husbands who aren’t good enough for them. Or who are lovely, pull their weight around the house and with childcare but my friends still feel they need to be sexually available when they don’t want to be.

It’s easier to find a partner, but I’m not sure th relationships are easier or better.

@randomer2
Im not misguided.

I was saying that for example a straight woman is going to have more societal pressure to get married and have kids when that might not be what she wants.

@TrippingTheVelvet
Obviously i know all lesbians arent clumping around in DMs!

What i mean is i feel many men are trained to have unrealistic expectations of the female body (example: i heard about a young dude who actually thought women were naturally hairless ffs). I imagined that in a relationship with 2 women, there might be less pressure in that sense - but obviously it depends on the people and obviously i have no way of knowing.

I don’t announce to everyone I meet that I’m gay, Vogue

@randomer2
Well you kinda just did with your title!

No but look i understand it must be frustrating. I was actually just trying to help you see that there are some positives and a flip side!

The problem is, Vogue, you really don’t know what you’re talking about!

@randomer2
I guess not!
Good luck for the future

DD1's bff met her lovely girlfriend on tinder. They are apparently thinking about a baby.

A gay man was beaten up coming out of a club in my city last weekend which really shook me as I thought we'd got so well past all that - it was a reminder that homophobia is alive and kicking and I think that must be hard to live with. Society is set up to favour 'the norm' and being different to that is always going to be hard.

So I empathise OP

I was where you are many years ago, everything was sooo much harder. I used to get really down about my friends meeting people and going on dates with people they just bumped into whereas I had to specifically look for women that were also gay.

Years after that my friends were getting married whereas we were having a civil partnership which felt like a shitter version of what they all had. Even when it came to having children they were announcing their surprise pregnancies while we were trying to save the thousands it costs to have IUI.

Now many years down the line I wouldn’t change a thing, I’m comfortable with who I am and happy with my life and family but it’s has been hard along the way, much much harder than a heterosexual couple would have found it and anyone who thinks otherwise is frankly naive.

We still get some people who feel the need to comment in the streets or new work colleagues who ask questions such as “what does your husband do?” and you have to constantly correct people. But on the whole it no longer bothers me like it did. I spent a long time wishing I could change who I was, even trying to fake being someone I’m not, it took me years to finally accept and like myself but it did happen and it will for you as well one day. Xx

Not every lesbian wears DMs and has a shaven head

And some of us that do are straight I love my DMs, shave my head on a number 0 clipper guard and ........ am straight.

I hope you find what you're looking for, OP

I imagined that in a relationship with 2 women, there might be less pressure in that sense - but obviously it depends on the people and obviously i have no way of knowing.

Here's just one example for you. Gay woman at work, where she doesn't feel able to be 'out'. Every day, her colleagues talk about their 9straight) partners, describe their activities, holidays, etc.

You think there's "less pressure" on her? She has to guard everything she says, is unable ever to talk about partners, activities, etc without being paranoid she'll inadvertently out herself. She has to cope with 'What about you? Got a boyfriend yet?' type questions and remarks the whole time. Put her into an environment like teaching, the police, armed forces - and you intensify the pressure.

Things are better than they were - but many gay folk still live and work in a resolutely heterosexual world.

Yes Vogue - you don’t know what you’re talking about...so just sit quietly and stop sharing thoughts/ideas/opinions 😂😂

Luisa, sorry but in effect, being told, it’s fine, because, hey, no pressure on you to get married?

Well, my parents still don’t know I’m gay. How do you think that feels, that I can’t share who I love with my own family?

Yknow what, I get it. I'm bi, but thought I was gay for years and exclusively dated women before I met my now husband. Goddamn is it easier! Straight privilege is so real in this country still and I'm fairly lucky that I'm straight passing. I never had an issue meeting women but the anxiety and pressure of being with someone of the same sex is something else.
I hope this doesn't sound patronising, I'm autistic and don't always express myself right, but having experienced the difference, I know exactly where you're coming from.