To wish I wasn’t gay?

[randomer2]

Probably a bit of a stupid post.

I know I should be very proud of who and what I am, but I find the ‘lesbian’ thing a bit difficult To be honest, the main problem is actually meeting a woman. But then, even so, things like marriage, children, when homophobia is still alive and well is hard.

I don’t know if anyone can understand. But I’d just like to fall in love and have a relationship and family, like any other woman.

Okay

Bit of rose-tinted specs there, OP.

Rose tinted specs related to what?

The point is, which some seem to be struggling with, I want everything a straight person wants, and I have a smaller pool of people to find it from and I can’t be honest about who I am anyway. Sucks a bit

The thing is - and sorry if I'm jumping in OP - is that it's not always as simple as some are making out, because sexuality does actually colour everything.

'Just come out!' = 'Just tell everyone in your entire life that everything they perceived about you is wrong. Every day, forever.'

It's not like telling your mate you don't like digestives.

It's also an extremely personal, sometimes intrusive thing to tell someone else to do.

Also, the thing about the smaller pool of people to date. Struggle is real. See, if you're straight, there's a 95% chance that any person of the opposite sex you meet will be straight too.

Whereas if I get talking to a guy in a coffee shop, not only is there a 95% chance he won't swing my way, but there's also an ever-present risk he'll swing for me when he finds out I'm into other dudes.

What I'm saying is the idea of just clicking with someone in some random meet-cute is statistically so much lower for gay people.

Straight people tend to assume that everyone they talk to is straight, because, frankly, most people are. Numerically, that's understandable. But when you're a gay woman or man, trying to make your way in a world that's designed for people who aren't you, it can be alienating and wearing.

The point is, which some seem to be struggling with, I want everything a straight person wants, and I have a smaller pool of people to find it from and I can’t be honest about who I am anyway. Sucks a bit

Not much can be done about the smaller pool of people but are you sure you can't be honest with your family? Do your friends know?

'Just come out!' = 'Just tell everyone in your entire life that everything they perceived about you is wrong. Every day, forever.'

It will perhaps be a big deal to your parents but to many others, it will just be another facet of you and no big deal though.

There is absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about, be proud of who you are! It will be your family and friends loss of they don't accept you for who you are as you get more confident in your skin and accept yourself I'm sure all the things you want from life will come to you with time, everything happens for a reason...

Some of the replies from straight women in this thread are rather condescending.

Loads of gay women have come on here and told you it's tough. Listen to us please!

My life is wonderful. I have a wife who I adore and we want to start a family. However continually coming out does get wearing sometimes. Homophobia does still exist both in the general public and within families.

And yes IUI is £££

When we got married we were asked by everyone when we were having kids the same way most people are. We worry that we'll never afford a mortgage.

OP it's definitely not always easy but I think it does definitely get better. I certainly would never want to be straight now.

I'd say come out in your own time when you feel ready. There's no right or wrong time to do it.

Rose tinted specs related to what?
...I want everything a straight person wants

NO, they don't. Huge assumptions. Irk. Plenty of people don't want kids or even marriage. Plenty of folk are neutral about ever having these things, or even an intimate relationship.

Plenty of people (many straight ones, even, who might have wanted kids) have hugely worse set of hurdles than yours that makes parenthood impossible for them. Enjoy your self-pity party. I'll leave thread.

I'd say come out in your own time when you feel ready. There's no right or wrong time to do it.

There probably is although the best time will vary from person to person. I'm sure that there are people who wished that they had come out earlier and vice versa.

My gay friend always tells me that I'm lucky to be straight, that the bull shit she has to endure as a lesbian is awful.
Then I hear straight friends moan that they wish they were lesbians... bc suddenly life without a male partner will be easier!
The grass is always greener and all that.
I think life in general is a struggle for most regardless of sexuality.

Sigh. I know that you can be straight, and have your life blighted in all sorts of ways. Of course you can.

I am in my thirties. My friends do not know, my family do not know. The reason my family do not know is that they are probably the reason I struggled with this such a lot.

IUI is indeed £££ - over a thousand pounds per try. I don’t even know if I’d be eligible any more because I am over 35.

I feel for you. That can't be easy... especially of your nearest and dearest don't even know

OP are you involved in any LGBT groups? Having gay friends helps and it can be a good way to meet a potential partner.

If you’re not out to your family and friends it’s no longer you don’t feel confident as a gay woman. If people think you’re straight they will treat you as such along with the heteronormative ideals.

You will never live a full life until you’re honest about who you are, it won’t change and in this day and age there is no reason to hide it.

I remember having a conversation a good few years ago with a gay (male) friend, he said if he could choose he'd choose for his children to be straight and not gay, even though he was perfectly happy as a gay man. Just because it is easier - simple as that. Just easier, in a society/world where hetero is the default.

I expect I am v unreasonable but feel like at least if you are a gay woman / lesbian you don't have to put up with a man in your life in order to have a companion / sex.

But I'm mid divorce so ignore me.

I think Vogue was just airing thoughts, she wasn’t even suggesting her thoughts were correct... just simply airing them.
There was no malicious intent in her post at all.
The viciousness in some replies simply show that whether you’re gay, straight or whatever, being a bitch is in all!
Perhaps working on social skills should be the priority of some.

I feel very sad that you have reached 35 and haven't been able to share this with your family and friends. As a parent, I would be devastated that my child has been going through this.

A PP hit the nail on the head, whilst individuals might not be homophobic the world still is. My best friend and several close friends have small obstacles daily. Thankfully most of the bigger obstacles are less frequent but their lives are definitely more difficult.
DH and I are pretty sure our eldest is gay, and have been for the last 5 years. (With guidance from our friends) we hope to be able to support him, and make his path in society as smooth as possible.

But there is still a lot of work to be done.

OP, please tell someone close to you. You need support, even a hug. Having just one person to cheer you on will help, I promise.

The straightsplaining on this thread just shows so much of a lack of empathy and imagination.
I'm bi but married to a woman. I have the opportunity to live a life that looks conventional from the outside, but with time I realised that with the greater challenges come greater rewards.
It can take longer to find your way, OP, but I'm sure you'll get there. Autostraddle was the biggest help to me and they have in person meetups too.
I also read a pile of cheesy romances by Radclyffe at some point, it really helped me feel that the future I imagined could exist (in a hopefully less cheesy way and without everyone having to have a unisex name).
Btw I met my wife at work. It doesn't have to be on-line dating, I had no idea whether she was straight or not, but started a conversation about equal marriage to get a read on her attitude, later asked her out.

OP, I came out last year aged 33. I had been in a relationship with a man for the previous 14 years. We had 2 kids. I was so desperate for a ‘normal’ family and to not be gay I had acted a part for that whole time, which was cruel for my ex to find out and made me, at times, suicidal.
Now that I am out, it has been tough in so many ways. Other lesbians were wary of me to start with, my friends and family reacted in a mixture of ways from good to awful. I’ve been abused at work.
I also met a new partner and we are now a blended family. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.
So now that I have been honest, it has been both dreadful and wonderful, but I would not change it now.