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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish I wasn’t gay?

96 replies

randomer2 · 28/05/2018 13:54

Probably a bit of a stupid post.

I know I should be very proud of who and what I am, but I find the ‘lesbian’ thing a bit difficult Grin To be honest, the main problem is actually meeting a woman. But then, even so, things like marriage, children, when homophobia is still alive and well is hard.

I don’t know if anyone can understand. But I’d just like to fall in love and have a relationship and family, like any other woman.

OP posts:
BlossomRain · 28/05/2018 18:12

I lived a straight life and married man eventually came out in my late 20’s and now planning to marry my fiancée. I agree that it’s harder being gay in terms of the rest of the world but I wouldn’t change it for a second. The majority of people really don’t care, a few do but then people get abuse for all sorts of things, hair colour, weight, skin colour, nationality...

RemainOptimistic · 28/05/2018 18:57

Doesn't cost thousands OP. Sperm donation can be free of charge. A close (lesbian) friend of mine did it. Not going into detail as outing.

I think your main problem is you haven't started coming out yet. Just do it. Any reactions that get imposed on you are nothing to do with you and everything to do with the person reacting. You aren't responsible for other people's feelings, not even your parents'.

Imagine 10 years from now. Do you want to be out? So do it now. Are you waiting for the perfect moment? Believe me in life there are no perfect moments. There is just the decision to act.

Sisterlove · 28/05/2018 19:01

I understand what Vogue was saying, but you just jumped down her throat.

Thorsday · 28/05/2018 19:03

It's especially frustrating when people say that straight women have it harder.

BackforGood · 28/05/2018 19:15

I agree with Luisa and others. Vogue quite naturally replied, without any suggestion of "telling" you anything. Of course people can have thoughts on things they aren't / haven't experienced etc. For all we know any poster who desn't happen to be gay themselves can be really close to someone who is - sister, friend, daughter, whatever.
You can of course fall in love and have a relationship - although that's going to be a lot easier iff you are honest about who you are. Not mentioning that you haven't even yet shared with your parents until well into the thread, is something of a drip feed too.

bobstersmum · 28/05/2018 19:18

Can I ask what is probably a really stupid question? As a lesbian, how do you strike up a relationship? As you meet other women every day who will be friendly etc but how do you know if they are interested in you as a friend or partner? Is it awkward?
I do not mean to offend I am genuinely interested.

Racecardriver · 28/05/2018 19:30

I don't think YANBU. Obviously life has improved for the gay community a great deal over the past few decades (thank god) but it still isn't straight forward. In terms of dating you are restricted because you are part of a minority that you can't really escape (so quite different to people in religious or ethnic minorities who can date outside of their minority of they choose to). Then on top of that the world is very much geared towards striaght couples. Even though most people and institutions try to be inclusive the assumption that your family consist of a mummy and a daddy and children still exists. Then there are fundamental biological complications that are inherent if you are a save sex couple acting to start a family. I think that you are very reasonable to struggle with your life as it is but I do think that what is unreasonable is to loose hope. I know that it is hard for you but I hope that one day it won't be. I hope that one day you will find everything that you are looking forFlowers

BlossomRain · 28/05/2018 19:31

Bobster you know if a person fancies you I suppose, even with women I can mostly tell when someone is being friendly with me or is attracted to me

TrippingTheVelvet · 28/05/2018 19:31

I met my DW at a hobby group ran by a local LGBT organisation. My friends have all met their partners at the same type of things, being set up on blind dates or Tinder. The pool is very small here. Everyone's partner is someone else's ex.

GreyGardens88 · 28/05/2018 19:38

I'm a gay man and I've always wanted a family. I'm genuinely sick of the shallow gay culture of drugs and clubbing, and judging each other for how we look and the very fickle nature of gay men. I'm only 30 now and never wanted kids until I was about 40 anyway. I have a bit of time I may potentially look into co-parenting.

CatchingBabies · 28/05/2018 19:47

@remainoptimistic It does cost thousands, just short of £6k for my DD it cost me. Yes you can do it ‘free’ if you don’t mind risking sexually transmitted infections, inherited genetic problems and age happy that the non-biological parent has ZERO rights over the baby as well as trust the sperm donor to not decide they want access to the child that they will have legally fathered and have every right to do so. It’s not a route most people would ever want to take!

Dungeondragon15 · 28/05/2018 19:50

It will inevitably be harder to find the right partner as there is a much smaller pool of people to choose from but I think (hope) that is is much much easier nowadays than it used to be. While there is, unfortunately, some homophobia things have really changed over the past few decades. I think it could be easier for you if you came out though. Are you sure that you need to keep it a secret from your family?

SmashedMug · 28/05/2018 19:54

Had to laugh at less social pressures 😂 Are we ignoring the big massive elephant that is the pressure to change or hide your sexuality?! Crikey.

veryyyy · 28/05/2018 19:59

Finding a partner can be hard for straight people too. Maybe join a dating site or app?

daimbars · 28/05/2018 20:32

Move to Brighton. I did and never looked back! Loads of lesbians here.

daimbars · 28/05/2018 20:38

bobstersmum unless you are in a gay bar or know for sure the woman is gay it's pretty safe to assume a friendly woman is just being friendly. Saying that a few straight women I have met have been open to experimenting after a few glasses of wine.

schmoozypoo · 28/05/2018 20:56

I found it hard to come out to my parents and family, my Mum and Step-dad were amazing along with my grandparents. My step-brother disowned me as he didn't want his children to think it was ok to be gay! We were really close until that point. My step-sister never said much but it was obvious she didn't approve. It has been so hard but I have met some truly amazing people along the way who I now count as my family. The tears and heartache was awful but I am stronger for it

Original poster
randomer2 · 28/05/2018 21:22

The problem is, and I’ll probably get another load of people bearing down upon me to tell me how wrong I am because straight women sometimes marry shit husbands or whatever, but the fact is I will never be like one of the families I see all around me.

Just some of the comments about raising children in a same sex family - no male influence, just adopt, male role models, doesn’t cost thousands, might be bullied at school it gets a bit depressing after a while.

OP posts:
Coldilox · 28/05/2018 21:36

That's a very sad post. I may have said something similar more than 15 years ago, but not now. I wouldn't choose to be straight if I had the choice.

All the things you want - the marriage, the family, the house etc, are all possible. I've been married for 9 years, have an almost four year old son, mortgage, job...pretty dull really. I don't know about your family but mine (very conservative, was convinced they'd disown me) surprised me. Took a while to get used to it but now are great, I'm fairly sure my mum actually prefers my wife to me!

Of course homophobia exists, but it's not rampant as long as you don't read the daily mail comments section. There are a lot of heteronormative assumptions, but I either ignore or correct. Most people are so embarrassed at their mistake I'm fairly certain they wouldn't make the assumption again!

I work in an organisation not considered historically gay friendly, but it's never been an issue. A lot of my colleagues came to my wedding, there are loads of gay people and nobody bats an eyelid.

I consider myself very lucky to be alive now and very thankful to those that went before and fought for my right to live a totally normal life. I'm not saying it's all a bed of roses, on a global scale it's pretty scary and there is lots that needs to change.

I fee very sad that you fee you would change your sexuality if you could. What would make you feel happier in yourself?

greystripedteepee · 28/05/2018 23:09

Doesn't vogue has a bit of a point. If your family know you are a lesbian they are less likely to be asking when you are going to have kids etc. Although you can get the really naive aunt who constantly says 'have they grown out of it yet and met a nice boy' so yeah, probably harder being gay!

HeyOverHereYo · 28/05/2018 23:37

I was saying that for example a straight woman is going to have more societal pressure to get married and have kids when that might not be what she wants.

You're mistaken, Vogue. Plenty of lesbians and gay men get the exact same pressure. Certain things transcend the gender of your lover/spouse. What, do you think lesbians are expected to be childless spinsters that only live in apartments?

UterusUterusGhali · 28/05/2018 23:42

Oh sweetheart. :(
It's probably a lot easier than it was even 10 years ago but there's still the expectation you'll find a husband etc etc. Women are indoctrinated into the Disney "happy ever after" myth since infancy.

I do meet some lesbian mums in my work and it's often a convoluted preocess and they feel the need to have to explain all the time. (Not that anyone cares per se. But just have to say "this is not my sister" to every HCP.)

I hear you. Wine

Hmm at some of the replies.

StillMedusa · 29/05/2018 01:06

My DD1 came out about 6 years ago, when she was 20. I wasn't surprised but neither had I especially expected it. Later this year she is getting married to her lovely partner and today I went dress shopping so that I can be an elegant mother of the bride..one of :)

DD1 joined an LGBT soc while a medical student, which enabled her to meet other lesbians, but actually met her fiancee by random chance. They are very happy . They want children and |I'm sure will have them by whichever means they can . It won't be easy...not so much because they are lesbians but because both have serious permanent health conditions which make having babies tricky for either of them.

DD1 was worried how everyone would react when she came out (not mine and DH's... she knew we had always said we didn't care who our children loved as long as they were in kind, caring relationships) but everyone from elderly Granny down were just 'ok.. go find a nice girl'
We have one homophobic uncle... who is not coming to the wedding and no one thinks any better of him for it!

Career wise it hasn't affected my DD1 in any way as yet..she's a doctor and people care more about her skills than who she sleeps with at night!

I think what I am saying is..own who you are. There may be obstacles in your way, but not necessarily so, and people may surprise you in a good way. Marriage and children aren't a given for anyone, a quick glance at the boards here makes that clear... but there is no reason that you can't find love..marriage..kids, if that is what you want!

BabiesDontNeedDaddies · 29/05/2018 01:12

Im totally with you on that. Most people on here don't even seem to consider two mum families, like they don't exist

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 29/05/2018 01:15

I see AIBU as more of a philosophical place

Really? I see it more as a sort of issue-based Fight Club, only with less mercy and more swearing.