To wish I wasn’t gay?

[randomer2]

Probably a bit of a stupid post.

I know I should be very proud of who and what I am, but I find the ‘lesbian’ thing a bit difficult To be honest, the main problem is actually meeting a woman. But then, even so, things like marriage, children, when homophobia is still alive and well is hard.

I don’t know if anyone can understand. But I’d just like to fall in love and have a relationship and family, like any other woman.

Randomer why haven't you told you, parents? Are they homophobic?

Hmmm - I didn’t take that from Vogue’s post - she wrote “I feel”, and “I presume...rightly or wrongly”....she wasn’t ‘telling’ you anything OP - she was tentatively suggesting her opinion.
To close someone down with “ you don’t know what you’re talking about” seems to me a little intolerant and slightly dogmatic.

....and surely none of us want that?

Yeah, whatever Luisa, Vogue has, like, totes got a grip on this gay thing. Ur funny ur rules, hun.

Perhaps the issue is your attitude. Misguided or not; Vogue was just sharing some thoughts.
Good luck.

@VogueVVague got an unfair reception there. I think she was trying to show some positives of a lesbian relationship. I don't think she was being disrespectful.

random.....not quite sure of your point there ‘hun’ 🤢 ...in fact I didn’t get any of it 😂

But yeah - good luck, hope all works out for you!

I think you misread everything that Vogue posted, not sure if it was deliberate or not, but the only person coming across as judgemental and intolerant appears to be you op!

I was annoyed by Vogue's posts, as well, it wasn't just OP.

OP posts saying how difficult things are and another person comes along and essentially tries to 'help' by invalidating what OP has said. An internet version of, 'Smile, love, it can't be that bad.'

If someone hasn't lived the life of a lesbian woman, no matter how well intentioned they may be, they can't possibly truly know what it is like.

i feel for you while i have no first hand experience my sons friend says its very hard sometimes being a gay woman i hate the term lesbian like its not a normal human being .but yes you should be proud of the woman you are and if others dont like it well thats there problem and not yours.

Thank you sunshine

Imagine someone comes along and shares some of their experiences re racism.

“Oh, well, sometimes I wish I was black, because ” and you’re really telling me some of you wouldn’t be a bit

I thought I was pretty polite, considering.

@sunshinejourney
Well it sort of limits the scope for discussion then doesnt it, if the idea is just to have people writing "yes it is hard" ad nauseam.

I would also question why the OP chose to post in AIBU and use a clickbaity title if it wasn't to get a lot of different responses from a lot of different people. Personally would have posted in Relationships. I see AIBU as more of a philosophical place.

No ones saying people just have to say ‘yes it is hard.’

Pray do tell me where I should have posted? Honestly, I’m interested

Going back to your original post, I think the longer someone is out, the easier it gets. I know I used to find just the whole heteronormative thing very difficult - aside from the outright homophobia I experienced.

I still find people assuming I'm straight tedious, but it no longer always produces anxiety. I just correct them and move on.

I don't know how to offer advice except to say I've been married to a wonderful woman for nearly twenty years now. We have two fabulous DC. Life is hard and easy, like all lives are. I have a great circle of friends - though none are queer, they are all supportive allies.

It can happen. Give it time. Keep being as brave as you feel safe being. Find things you really enjoy, go along, meet new people. Good luck.

Yeah, Vogue was patronising af. When I was at uni, one of my housemates randomly said 'tbh, I would have to move out if I found out that any of you guys were lesbians- I just feel it is wrong.' This was without her knowing anyone's sexual orientation- but imagine hearing that if you were gay and worried about coming out.

There is still loads of homophobia, especially towards lesbians. There are still idiots on here who say they would be gutted if their kids were gay. Many many over 50s still frown on it. 10 years ago, it was still the norm to make homophobic jokes and comments.

As a gay man who has been frustrated at every turn on a journey to explore options for starting a family, I hear you OP.

Truth is, straight people don't know what it's like to be gay. It's not their fault. It's enviable in a way, frustrating in others.

Because the majority of straight people have never had to wrestle with their sexuality, or question it. They've never had to define themselves against what family, friends, society expect them to be. (And keep defining, as coming out is a lifelong process.)

They've never held a boat-load of internalised shame about attraction and love, something that is fundamental to a person's very being.

They've never had to consider how even small actions like holding someone's hand, applying for a tenancy agreement, meeting new people or going on holiday could leave them open to, at best, confusion and thoughtlessness, and at worst, outright abuse.

They've never, as a group, been elided with paedophiles and animal abusers by national newspapers.

In the 80s and 90s, they never had to bury dozens of their friends due to a mystery illness that the government wasn't especially bothered about treating, because it seemed to be killing off the problem.

Ultimately, things are better - for now - but it's still a straight world. We have to overcome a whole load of shit just to live in it.

Well doing the right thing and what is expected by suppressing yourself, marrying a man and having children is not a bed of roses either. Trust me. Be yourself op.

I would say that generally (and according to most queer people I know) it does get easier - I don’t know why really, but it does. It’s been about 15 years since I came out and I find things easier every year. Part of that is coming to terms with the idea that my identity is not heteronormative and that that is okay.

I do live in a pretty liberal area though, and having a kid who tells everyone she has two mums does speed up the “coming out all the time” process.

Of course it isn’t, but my post isn’t “it can be hard being gay ... oh, and it can be hard being straight.”

If I want children, it will cost me thousands. That’s without the fact that many people think using sperm donation is ethically questionable, and someone will brightly pop up with “don’t you have a gay male friend” (no) or even better “can’t you just go to the pub?”

The world assumes we are straight. The world is homophobic. You as an individual may not be. The world is. I can’t tell my family and be honest with them. If I was with a woman, kissing, holding hands, being ourselves, would be met with abuse.

It sucks at times.

Obviously, it’s who I am, I can’t change it, but if I could, I would, I think.

Plausible everything I meant to say, but more beautifully written. Well done!
random having recently encountered biphobia at work, I understand. I hope as we move forward it gets easier, but you have a space to rant here :)

I take it you don’t live on a big city I would be surprised if you had much of a problem if you did if you live rurally I can see why being the only gay in the village would be difficult

Yep, society is still set up for heterosexuals and it sucks OP.

Is there any way you could tell your family though? Would they be against it?

I would imagine your parents already know. I knew my daughter was gay before she even told me.

Ha. Trust me, they don’t.

I feel you randomer
I'm married to my wife of nearly 5 years, paid for by my parents, attended by (nearly) all my family and friends. But if we broke up I'd marry a man. We can't afford children I'm not out at work (a teacher) and there's lots of places I wouldn't travel to.

Historically we've never had it so good in England, it's not illegal, we can live together somewhat openly, lots of people do manage to have children but for me I wouldnt choose to be gay.