Increasingly Angry and Negative Husband / Dad

[TerryMumof3]

Hi. I haven't been on MN for a long time but would really appreciate some support. I have been with my OH (not married) for 22 years and we have 3 sons, 17, 14, and 11. OH has always been a glass half empty person, and contributed very little to parenting our children. He always sleeps late at the weekend (11am ish) whilst I have always met the children's needs, yet he is the grumpy short tempered one. I have been wanting to leave him for YEARS, but always thought things may improve, he will change, he isn't always horrible to us. I wish I had done so when they were little. I have given him 2 serious ultimatums last year. He was pleasant and patient for a while but soon resorted to negative, angry, argumentative and selfish ways. Now I have teenage sons who think it's normal to argue with me and I have a real challenge in getting them to respect me, but totally understand that they have learnt from their father disrespect and suffered from all our arguments. My OH's behaviour is getting worse. He is very clever and adept at turning molehills into mountains and blaming me whilst he gets increasingly angry and 'victim-like'. When things are going his way, he is supportive of me, encourages me with my Open University Studies, and praises me when I feel unconfident. But as soon as things don't go his way, ie. I ask him to help out, or get up earlier to partake in parenting, or pick him up on his attitude to our boys, he rounds on me and gets very nasty, name calling, shouting, arguing in front of kids (he draws me in and before I know it I have been equally to blame for arguing in front of them). He works long hours, but loves his job, is cheery to outsiders but is horrible to us EVERY WEEKEND. I dread it when he has a few days off like now. Home is far more harmonious when it is just me and my boys. I am a SAHM, and receive CTC and DLA for 2 of our boys that have a disability. Our middle boy's behaviour mirrors OH's but OH cannot see it at all. BTW, OH father was emotionally, mentally and physically abusive and I believe this has damaged him and taught him his behaviour. He has never been physically violent but the mental/emotional is so wearing. Last time I gave him an ultimatum he played the victim of 'I don't want to leave, I have nowhere to go'. I however, now, have had enough, but as I am not working (I used to be a PA and good at it, although have a fair bit of voluntary experience in school and hospital) don't know if the boys and I can stay in our home. Sorry for such a long post.

Your OH sounds just like my Dad. Looking back now (I'm in my 40s) I think he was suffering from depression and possibly had a breakdown. Not that this excuses his temper with my Mum and my DB and I over the years.

My DM finally left him when my DB and I were in our late teens. We both really wished that this had happened at least 10 years earlier. They stayed together for what they thought were good reasons - ie to provide a stable home for us, but we hated living in an atmosphere like that. I spent lots of time in my bedroom and my DB spent hour at friend's houses.

I just thought I would share my experience with you. Obviously the 2 cases are not identical - my DM had a successful professional career and earned the same as my Dad, and neither my DB or I had special needs. However, I thought it may be useful for you to hear from the point of view of a child within such a family.

Best wishes.

Thanks Chickowner
Yes I totally understand your perspective, both my 17 and 14 year olds say the same which breaks my heart. I too thought it was depressio quite a while ago and gently suggested that he may get some help from his GP. I was met with 'I know what he'll say that I need time for myself to distress but I am never going to get that am I?'! Played the victim yet again. Incidentally, my childhood, despite my dad's chronic ill health, was an extremely happy and calm and loving one. Yet he says I am the controlling one 'like your mum' he says. My mum is a strong character but has never controlled me or my brother or my late dad. My DS1 (17years old) is lovely but is so fed up with how things are at home, DS2 has really struggled as a knock on effect and DS3 is showing signs of the same. I need this to stop soon so I am going to get advice from CAB next Mon when kids are back at school. He has got up this morning,after a terrible outburst at family dinner attacking DS1 then me, pretending nothing happened and muttering under his breath when I have not said good morning to him. same old, same old.

Can you use paragraphs please. Otherwise a wall if text is hard on the eyes.

Hi Sandy. Sorry wasn't sure if I did paragraph return that post would be sent there and then 😊

I’m so glad you’re going to see CAB, they’re a brilliant starting point. Good luck, you can do it!! Xx

It is such a drain of energy trying to reason with someone who has this mindset. My exh was like this, 6mths after we parted my kids 15/19 at the time agreed the house was so much more positive without exh living there.

Sadly for him both dc have decided to cut ties with their dad due to his own playing the victim/negativity.

He has since re married, no longer my problem. I have moved on & am very happy with a man who is very upbeat & positive along with including my dc/dgd as his own.

I've had a few threads about my negative, passive, grumpy DH over last few weeks. Its so draining and it spoils the relaxed happy times you should be sharing with your children.

I am working on a non negotiable list that I am going to give him and unless he is working on seriously improving himself within 6 weeks I'm going to take summer hols etc with kids on my own.

Could you get up and head out with the kids for a fun day somewhere this bank hols - dont wake the grumpy bastard - leave him to have his 'time to himself' and enjoy some time with your kids?

I'm another one with a father like this. I'm an only child and my dad worked shifts so my mum and I had a lot of time to ourselves, and things were calm and harmonious then. When my dad came home from work, or got up for his nightshift, the tension was palpable and awful.

My mum says she wishes she'd left him but never did. They are now both retired and not in the best of health and they spend all day, everyday, trapped together in a tiny house. He grumbles when she leaves the house to shop or visit us (a few miles away) and claims he's fallen or been ill while she's out (always when she's out, very rarely does he become ill while she's at home).

My exH was showing signs of becoming like my dad, and also other things (more time at work than at home, not intetested in family things) that made me realise we had to part. We actually get on better now that we're not together although he still plays the victim in it all and takes no responsibility for his actions. We coparent well, on the whole, and I think both of us are happier.

Unless your dh sees himself for what he is and makes some changes, your choices are either make the best of it or start afresh with a new life for you and the children. It's not an easy choice but try to think of what your life could be like in 5, 10, 20 years and plan according to that.

Hi again.

It's great that you're getting some advice about what to do next.

Don't listen to him when he calls you controlling. Being shouted at is not normal, and especially not being shouted at in front of your children. Fro what you've said about his childhood he probably does think that it's a normal way to behave, but it isn't.

I remember being really shocked when I was a student when I saw a friend of mine with her Dad. He was being nice to her and she obviously loved him and felt close to him. I hadn't realized that that was what Dads were supposed to be like.

I'm sure that leaving your husband seems like a huge thing to do, but my parents splitting up was absolutely the best thing to happen for all 4 of us, including my Dad! He was also happier once he had moved out, and clearly had been unhappy with my Mum for a long time.

This also may be the case in your family - obviously I don't know you, but it all just sounds so similar.

Thank you The Hop - yes I really need some sound advice as to where I stand legally/with the children/home.

LetsDoLunch - that is wonderful to hear that you are having such a happier life without miserable exH. How did you go about telling him? My OH no longer believe me when I tell him I won't put up with his behaviour.

SenoraBonita - it's awful isn't it. I wouldn't put up with this from a friend, so why does he expect me to do so with him. Yes I am emotionally and mentally worn down - plus trying extra hard to keep things positive for the children's sake. Alas he has been given so many last chances so I have my mind made up but I know he will make things difficult for me.

Yes will take kids out without him - will be much happier for us all tomorrow. Good luck to you SenoraBonita - I hope he realised and behaves better for you and your children.

Harriott Sch - I don't understand why so many men and their fathers think it's ok to make their family's life miserable - it's utterly selfish and goes against everything a family signifies. I am now realizing that although life in say 6 months to a year could be so much less miserable and tense, that it could have been years ago. Wish I had been braver.

Thanks chickowner for your insight. I can't see how it can get much worse tbh. He wont take any responsibility for the terrible anxiety/anger issues our DS2 had a couple years ago, kept blaming it on his sensory disability although I can clearly remember how DS2 witnessed the most shouting & aggressive behaviour from him. Thank you for your kindness.

I too know exactly what you are going through..😩..absolute torture!
What mood he going to be in today?
Quick to throw orders!
Everyone else's fault but his!
Your the selfish one!
He's the victim!
Your the controlling one!

When I gave him ultimatums and asked him to leave I would get "this is my home just as much as yours! If I leave I want joint custody of dc!"
He is horrible , moody and undermines me with children!
Does not help with children or chores if he does omg we never hear the end of it and actually seriously self praises himself and makes out to family and friends he does this that and the other!

Enough was enough! So I went to my local DV charity and explained everything to them, they where amazing and so understanding.
They provided me with a solicitor who wrote him a letter stating his behaviour will not be tolerated and to leave the house on this date if you do not comply you will leave no option but to apply to court for occupancy order and a non molestation order.

So far he has changed into the man he should of been and knows I mean business and I am scared or intimidated with his stupid little threats etc etc.

Contact your local DV they will help you also you won't have pay for solicitor as it DV on the other hand he will as my DP found out after receiving the letter.
Hope this helps

Yogey - it is so draining & miserable isn't it. Yes these are exactly the types of things he says and does. Also lots of sarky/mean muttering under his breath.

Well done for going to DV. I hadn't thought of doing so but as I admitted earlier his behaviour is emotionally/mentally abusive. I gather your DH what himself once he read the solicitor's letter and has turned things around. Did you have to return to solicitor for another letter so that he wouldn't have to leave then? I really don't think mine will change at all - he would have done so by now over the years/numerous opportunities.

Because he is being what I call 'nice' to today after his explosion last night, I think oh he's not that bad, but then I remember all the other times like last night and what the boys have witnessed and I need to do it for all our sakes.

He works long hours, but loves his job, is cheery to outsiders but is horrible to us EVERY WEEKEND. I dread it when he has a few days off like now.

Have my first LTB

Strange how 'depression' is often mentioned when men are offensive and unkind. Funnily enough they manage to function perfect well with mates and colleagues don't they?

He's a bully and an emotional drain. By staying with him too long you've lost the respect of your children, and your family is dysfunctional.

Onwards and upwards to leaving this awful man behind and not letting him waste any more moments of your life. You will enjoy the peacee when you're no longer with him. Life really is too short to put up with some people and situations

Thanks MistressDeeCee
That was hard to read that my children have lost respect for me and we are a dysfunctional family. But it is true sadly.

More than me, my children need to enjoy a peaceful life and I am dreading telling him, once I have been to CAB and DM as I know he will make things even worse. I will get through it though.

Btw, what is LTB?

It means 'leave the bastard'

It's a MN joke to say LTB because it gets said so often on here. MN advice often goes against the usual 'have you tried counselling?' we normally hear and straight for leaving. The reason being a decent person wouldn't act that way and you can't change someone who isn't decent. So don't waste your time trying.

Ah, made me laugh! Makes sense yes. I have managed to get myself and 2 teenagers & 1 eleven year old up and out of house before 9.30am & left the grumpy tw*T in bed. We are having a calm, fun, & happy time at a woodland adventure park whilst he wonders where we all are!

Good on you.

I spent yesterday with old friends whilst he did the garden and painted the shed. Today I sorted out all my animals, cleaned then sat in the garden, had a lovely meal with my kids and now I'm at the cinema with them.

I'm learning to ignore the miserable fucker and will decide long term at some later date.

Lovely ds is so happy today - I've let go of caring about him or his emotions and he really doesn't realise how dangerous it is for him that I'm disconnecting.....

Sorry, that was very me me me

How are you today op, did you get out and enjoy your dc?

Well done on having a lovely day out today OP, hope you're feeling a bit better after a good day.

This could be the description of my ex. I left after 30 years, and the DCs have suffered anxiety and depression as a result of his behaviour. They are so much better now, the effects of a peaceful and calm household, no walking on eggshells, etc.

I should add that my ex has also blamed depression etc for his behaviour, but now I'm out of there, I can see just how far back the red flags show up.....

Funny enough, neither of the DCs have the same kind of toxic behaviour with their depression

My three part advice:

1. Don't look for your dh to admit his behaviour is unreasonable and don't listen when he calls you controlling.

1. Don't bother with ultimatums. 22 years is long enough to have changed if he was ever going to. This is him. For life.

1. LTB. However, don't expect him to give you his 'blessing'. His view will be that you are cruel and controlling and he will make it his mission to be as big a bastard as he can be.