Increasingly Angry and Negative Husband / Dad

[TerryMumof3]

Hi. I haven't been on MN for a long time but would really appreciate some support. I have been with my OH (not married) for 22 years and we have 3 sons, 17, 14, and 11. OH has always been a glass half empty person, and contributed very little to parenting our children. He always sleeps late at the weekend (11am ish) whilst I have always met the children's needs, yet he is the grumpy short tempered one. I have been wanting to leave him for YEARS, but always thought things may improve, he will change, he isn't always horrible to us. I wish I had done so when they were little. I have given him 2 serious ultimatums last year. He was pleasant and patient for a while but soon resorted to negative, angry, argumentative and selfish ways. Now I have teenage sons who think it's normal to argue with me and I have a real challenge in getting them to respect me, but totally understand that they have learnt from their father disrespect and suffered from all our arguments. My OH's behaviour is getting worse. He is very clever and adept at turning molehills into mountains and blaming me whilst he gets increasingly angry and 'victim-like'. When things are going his way, he is supportive of me, encourages me with my Open University Studies, and praises me when I feel unconfident. But as soon as things don't go his way, ie. I ask him to help out, or get up earlier to partake in parenting, or pick him up on his attitude to our boys, he rounds on me and gets very nasty, name calling, shouting, arguing in front of kids (he draws me in and before I know it I have been equally to blame for arguing in front of them). He works long hours, but loves his job, is cheery to outsiders but is horrible to us EVERY WEEKEND. I dread it when he has a few days off like now. Home is far more harmonious when it is just me and my boys. I am a SAHM, and receive CTC and DLA for 2 of our boys that have a disability. Our middle boy's behaviour mirrors OH's but OH cannot see it at all. BTW, OH father was emotionally, mentally and physically abusive and I believe this has damaged him and taught him his behaviour. He has never been physically violent but the mental/emotional is so wearing. Last time I gave him an ultimatum he played the victim of 'I don't want to leave, I have nowhere to go'. I however, now, have had enough, but as I am not working (I used to be a PA and good at it, although have a fair bit of voluntary experience in school and hospital) don't know if the boys and I can stay in our home. Sorry for such a long post.

Still not sure if I am right in going to DV though? He isn't physical, just very verbal and unkind a lot.

Terry I started my planning after speaking to the Domestic Violence Helpline, I found them easier to deal with than Women's aid - they told me that what my H does IS abuse, so they will tell you the same. It was them that first suggested the occupation order. I originally posted my plan to give H £2000 on here and other posters were horrified, I can see why they were trying to protect me, but in fact my solicitor said she was impressed that I had come up with the plan that she usually suggests, without her!! When I say "give" £2k what she told me to do was tell the court that the £2k was available to be paid to any letting agent in H's name. Otherwise yes he could just spend it.

DV Helpline also suggested that I leave, go into a hotel with the kids/dog and then ring H and say you have 48 hours to leave etc. there is £2k available to you. If applying for an occupation order then its good to also be able to say if they have friends or family they can stay with. Judges like you to show that you were more than fair despite provocation.

DV Helpline can give you details of a charity that draw up occupation orders - you can do it yourself but might be tricky. And of course, none of this is any substitute for you getting legal advice.

I am hopeful that my DCs would be keen to see this plan through, but will yours? Or will they suddenly want their Dad?

I am so thankful for all of your support. I am going to be brief as I am emotionally drained, so will post tomorrow properly.
Today I have spoken and got advice from my local DV unit. They were great and I have started the ball rolling with them. I have also spoken briefly to 2 diff solicitors to see what potential advice I can get. They are both ringing me back tomorrow. Yes I am worried that my boys may want to stay with him - that is a big concern. So I shall try and sleep and tomorrow hopefully feel better about sorting this mess out.

You are doing well there Terry it really hits you once you are entirely clear with yourself that the marriage must end.

Elephant 14 - I have missed a call from the solicitors I made enquiries with so have left them a voicemail. So am stuck 're legal advice for the moment.
However, I am petrified that if I tell OH that's it and to leave (btw he has no friends/family here) that DS1 and DS2 may want to go with him. He has been taking DS1 out for driving lessons nearly every evening for the last week or 2 and then coming in being all jovial with DS1, hence when i mention that OH has been grumpy etc to DS1, DS1 is feeling sorry for him. DS2 is confused about his dad. The last thing I want is to lose my kids.

I think its a matter of timing for you, you are early in the process and unless things get a lot worse very quickly, you have put up with it this long so bide your time.

I sounded out my DDs but I am still worried that my youngest will decide she hates me; he picks on her most but she is very vulnerable to him, she always hopes he will "get better". Your sons must know that something is very wrong at home? Do they ever say anything to you? I mean before the driving lessons and joviality?

Your husband works full-time supporting his family so you don’t have to work. He is not asking much by wanting to sleep in on his weekends. You’ve said yourself that you don’t like when he is home because it’s an unpleasant environment - yet why would you want him to get up early?! Let him sleep in!!

It seems like he resents you and the children. It must be incredibly hard for both of you having two children with a disability.

You really need to get back into the workforce. Save some money. Have a holiday away from your responsibilities (your children). Even if it’s just for a few days and you put your kids in respite - or take a holiday away from each other (while the other one looks after your responsibilities); he said he wants a break but can’t take one.

Your husband is overwhelmed, you’re demanding more than he is prepared to give and you resent it.

It’s likely that your husband is an asshole and no doubt this is incredibly stressful for you. But your living situation is very stressful. I don’t know how you do it and I empathise with your situation.

Thanks Elephant 14, I have realised that this will take longer to sort than I initially thought. I hope your DDs realise that what you decide is out if love and protection for them and respect for yourself. I wish you lots ofuck whatever you decide.

Yes my boys know that all the negativity, argumentative approach and arguing is very wrong - unfortunately they have endured a lot of it.

I am still unsure of whether my 2 youngest would hate me and also possi my choose to live with him, so I have to.go slow and wisely on this.

Pudding, if you read my posts from this month, you'll see I was concerned with being judged - it is neither helpful or supportive what you have said, but I respect that it is your opinion. An opinion that is very black and white.
Yes he works full time, in his dream job! Yes there are stresses there for him, but he loves.his work. However, I am not sat on my backside at home, needing to.get 'back out to work', watching daytime TV, and scrounging off the state. I also work non stop from the moment I getup at 5.50am, cleaning, washing, ironing, vacuuming, cooking wholesome nutritious meals, organising everything to do with the house and children's schools and hospital appointments, volunteering at school, walking the dog, managing the family finances, checking in on my parents who are both in ill health, and ferrying the children to their a/s clubs, helping with homework and sorting out any other things that arise. Oh and I don't get paid for that.
My ache with OH is that DESPITE sleeping in late at w/e, he still moans/argues aggressively about helping out with kids/house and makes me feel awful, & doesn't behave like a.grown up. We can't go out.for.a day trip because by time he is up/ready it's too late in day and he is in fowl mod and I am feeling resentful. I really.dont mind if he sleeps in for.a.while & then is nice.to me/us but.that isn't the case.

Terry please don't waste your virtual breath replying to Pudding whose opinion beggars belief but basically revolves around people with a penis needing to take everything people without can give.

Anyway, yes cross the bridges when you come to them, keep planning.

Thank you Elephant14. x