Increasingly Angry and Negative Husband / Dad

[TerryMumof3]

Hi. I haven't been on MN for a long time but would really appreciate some support. I have been with my OH (not married) for 22 years and we have 3 sons, 17, 14, and 11. OH has always been a glass half empty person, and contributed very little to parenting our children. He always sleeps late at the weekend (11am ish) whilst I have always met the children's needs, yet he is the grumpy short tempered one. I have been wanting to leave him for YEARS, but always thought things may improve, he will change, he isn't always horrible to us. I wish I had done so when they were little. I have given him 2 serious ultimatums last year. He was pleasant and patient for a while but soon resorted to negative, angry, argumentative and selfish ways. Now I have teenage sons who think it's normal to argue with me and I have a real challenge in getting them to respect me, but totally understand that they have learnt from their father disrespect and suffered from all our arguments. My OH's behaviour is getting worse. He is very clever and adept at turning molehills into mountains and blaming me whilst he gets increasingly angry and 'victim-like'. When things are going his way, he is supportive of me, encourages me with my Open University Studies, and praises me when I feel unconfident. But as soon as things don't go his way, ie. I ask him to help out, or get up earlier to partake in parenting, or pick him up on his attitude to our boys, he rounds on me and gets very nasty, name calling, shouting, arguing in front of kids (he draws me in and before I know it I have been equally to blame for arguing in front of them). He works long hours, but loves his job, is cheery to outsiders but is horrible to us EVERY WEEKEND. I dread it when he has a few days off like now. Home is far more harmonious when it is just me and my boys. I am a SAHM, and receive CTC and DLA for 2 of our boys that have a disability. Our middle boy's behaviour mirrors OH's but OH cannot see it at all. BTW, OH father was emotionally, mentally and physically abusive and I believe this has damaged him and taught him his behaviour. He has never been physically violent but the mental/emotional is so wearing. Last time I gave him an ultimatum he played the victim of 'I don't want to leave, I have nowhere to go'. I however, now, have had enough, but as I am not working (I used to be a PA and good at it, although have a fair bit of voluntary experience in school and hospital) don't know if the boys and I can stay in our home. Sorry for such a long post.

None of us are selfish and yet we all apologise to each other - I think this is telling.

DH is unloading the dishwasher whilst I sit with coffee. Unprecedented. I am meeting a friend for lunch - when he looked confused and said "but what are you doing" DD piped up "she's putting on a jumpsuit and having lunch with " then did this massive cheesy grin. I feel weirdly excited - its like an experiment/adventure and seems to be going well. I am aware he might blow up aye some point but so far he is just trying to maintain and even keel.

I know I am writing about myself and my tiny steps but I hope you understand why - I cant talk about this in RL. Now I have woken up and realised I have seen so many threads about these men........

Hi. I have re-read the posts from my thread from months ago back in end of May this year. Sadly to say, I never had the courage or know how to separate/Get OH to leave - thought it would get better. What a stupid fool I have been.

I could not imagine it getting any worse, but over the months it has gotten so dire. The grumpy negative attitude is more entrenched, his ability to turn molehills to mountains so often is exasperating, the arguments and indignance that I may suggest something. It's the cruel way he talks to me and the blaming he does that he believes gives him carte blanche to insult me and aggressively argue so much. And the muttering under his breath! I know he is incredibly stressed at work but he manages to speak to colleagues ok.

This is despite me receiving extremely sad knees that my step dad has only months to live and my mum's world is about to bottom out, like it did when my own amazing dad died when I was 21. Yes he was understanding for a couple days, but reverted to absolute twat in a nano second.

I took my youngest boys to LEGOLAND this weekend. He thought it ok to aggressively and blamingly talk at me in the car journey- my fault for.getting caught up in road closure - power cable came down over the road! He sulked around LL all day as if he was the victim, so it took extra energy from me to keep smiling and happy for the boys sakes. However, on our evening meal out, he ordered 'just tap water, and nothing to eat' we all looked at him in disbelief. He then sat there staring down seriously.looking at an empty plate! Now he had some bad news about an ex colleague that afternoon but was seriously horrible way before that.

On suggesting he drive home whilst we ate he said is that what we wanted. kids were confused and asked why come out with us if not eating or happy. It was so awkward and embarrassing. But more so it was incredulous and infuriating. A grown man sulking and carrying on like an overgrown child. This was the moment that made me realise not only is he never going to change, but that he's getting worse - and it's his normal!

I am still scared and afraid of losing the kids family home and how we will manage financially and that boys, particularly DS2 will struggle with anxiety and changes. I am quite ok to return to work but need job that will pay ok but also fit around kids. TA fits but low pay. Dog walker? Doable but, I don't know.
Citizens advice weren't very helpful when I went in the summer so I don't know how I go about it all. But I do not want to continue to drag my kids or me through this hideous relatiinship anymore.

Please don't judge - I am feeling so very low. Sorry for such a long post.

Don't underestimate how well dc's can cope.

The day I decided to leave my ex was when I feared dc would resent me more if I stayed than if I left.

You will all be so much more than fine op.

You can do it!

It's him that's making you feel so low. Your boys love you and they want to live in a happy home. Gather your courage and do it for them

Leave now. Trust me - in a few years the kids will leave the house and it will be 100% worse. I wish my mother had courage to leave - i have even offered to pay for a lawyer and set my father up in an alternative house - she said no and they are both miserable. Its not a way to leave. My brother shows traits of my father towards his wife - its so awful to see. I have told my husband, the moment i feel i am not 50/50 in this i will walk away and he knows this, i will not become my mother. Please OP - leave. Children are resilient.

I’m not judging you. When lives are entangled it’s difficult to separate. It’s either that or being miserable indefinitely. He’s not going to change.

Terry my "D"H is pretty much like yours, we've been together 30 years. Our DC are now 15 and 17 and have been very badly affected by it. I feel I have thrown a lot of my life away, and maybe some of theirs too.

I am making a plan to get him to leave via an Occupation Order. I think you could get this too but you need to plan. First of all I paid £75 to see a good divorce lawyer rather than get the free advice (my choice). I told her a few things about his behaviour and she got it straight away but more important was the effect on DCs and I can evidence some of this as youngest has it mentioned by her psychiatrist. I wonder if you could get a counsellor or GP to support you in saying it is affecting all of you.

I have a job, and on my income I will barely be able to manage, but I will stay here and pay the mortgage myself. My plan was to save £2k for H to take for the deposit on a flat, he earns slightly less than me but he can afford a reasonable 1 or 2 bed depending where he wants to go. Judge is more likely to grant the occupation order if you can show that he has somewhere decent to live (either with family or he can afford to rent a 1 bed flat nearby)

Once I have the occupation order, it goes back to court in 6 months when the arrangements for splitting the equity in the house will be reviewed - I will have at least 2 years in the house because of my DDs health issue, possibly longer as she may not be able to live independently. As you have a younger child you may be in an even better position but he would normally be expected to wait until the youngest was at least 18 before the house was sold.

Can you get yourself a small job in the meantime? I am saving my H's flat deposit from his own salary, he never checks the bank account. Go onto a benefits calculator, put a budget in, do it several times and crunch the numbers. Could you manage? Sit down with pen and paper or do it on your laptop and hide it all, work out what you can do.

TerryMumof3 no judgement here, ending a relationship is hard.

I think his beahviour towards you is controlling and abusive.

I once went out for a meal with my dd (on the spectrum) and she refused to eat. I took er into the loos and we talked and worked it out. And she ate. It was embarrassing and frustrating but she is 13! I cannot imagine how I would have coped if my husband had done that.

Please just talk to women's aid, and ask them about the Freedom course.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

I think you had a lot of good advice in your original posts here, please re-read them.

Back in May HarrietSchulenberg said...

"I'm another one with a father like this." and

"My mum says she wishes she'd left him but never did. They are now both retired and not in the best of health and they spend all day, everyday, trapped together in a tiny house. He grumbles when she leaves the house to shop or visit us (a few miles away) and claims he's fallen or been ill while she's out (always when she's out, very rarely does he become ill while she's at home)."

If you do not leave him and forge a life for yourself could you end up in a retirement flat or nursing home next to him listening to him mutter under his breath and making you feel bad.

Please fight to get any scrap of advice and help you need, legal advice, support etc.

Get your ducks in a row and then tell him what is happening. You said back in May you had given him two ultimatums. He either cannot change or he doesn't want to. Or perhaps he doesn't think he needs to.

I am so sorry about your step father and your mum's situation. But please do not make these reasons to stay with your partner if he is making you so very unhappy.

Get prepared and make that you goal to be free of him. Yes, you will need to work out the financial side, find work etc, can I ask how old you are? Roughly? It's quite possible good things could come from working, self esteem boost, new earning potential, new friends etc. You said you used to be good at your job, so you took a career break, get help to get back up to speed. All your children are older now so although they all still need you a lot they are at school or whatever for most of the day.

I work part-time but one day hope to go back full time. Parenting is bloody hard and juggling work and parenting is tough! But you know I work in a nice environment, I get a lot of thanks and praise at work, that I rarely get at home! I am sure it is scary but I think, and hope, you will find it is easier than contemplating life with a man you do not seem to love or respect who does not seem to love or respect you.

Just make sure you really get it all sorted out, the best way to change things, get advice, cover your tracks, he does not need to know anything until you are ready. He has chosen this life for himself and forced you and the kids to live it too. Please look out for yourself.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Thank you do much for all your replies and being so supportive. I appreciate all your advice - sometimes when he isnt being horrile thats when I revert to oh maybe things are getting better, but no, like you all say and deep down I know that it's not.

Still not sure if I am right in going to DV though? He isn't physical, just very verbal and unkind a lot.
How did you leave you OH Aprilslonggone?

Elephant14, I am so sorry for your situation and how it's affected your children. At least you have started your plan and you are one step closer to living a peaceful life with your kids. I too feeling really guilty like you for how the kids have been affected, but I am sure you have done your very best to keep things as normal as possible in such a difficult situation. It really isn't something you should feel guilty about, it's his responsibility.

I have some savings which I was putting aside for the kids (about 4k) as it was back pay from their DLA which was withheld by DWP until trial overruled & returned said payments. Yet, I think I would be wise to give him 2k to put on a flat deposit otherwise he'll never leave.

Puzzledlady - your words really affected me. It's so sad that these traits are continued generationally. Yes I am starting the leave ball rolling today - thank you.

Thank you Askmehow and Testingtesting for your replies. Such kind people.

Italiangreyhound - your advice and thoughts have deeply helped me. I sometimes feel I am making things up when he is being ok, and that is he really that bad? FFS he is a journalist and writes about DV yet he can't see how his behaviour has affected us.

I am typing this on my phone but agree that a little laptop will be better - need one for my OU studies so good excuse. I am 3/4 way to my degree with Open University - do don't it difficult to concentrate on anything at no.
Yes I will contact women's aid and I will do so today. There is no way I want to be stuck with him when kids fly the nest, but more so I want no more damage to be done to them. Thank you x

Oh, I am 49 so getting back into work won't be as easy as if I was younger or not had 14 years as a SAHM, but I do have several years voluntary experience at local primary school and 2 in the hospital and am doing OU degree and my previous work as a PA in London (live in west country now) will all help hopefully in getting a job.

Look for a job - any job - today.

Once you can support yourself, tell him to leave.

Still not sure if I am right in going to DV though? He isn't physical, just very verbal and unkind a lot.

Domestic violence doesn't need to be physical, it can be verbal/emotional which affects mental health drastically

If you go to the police about DV and you have no other place to go with your 3 DC then the police will help in removing your DH, a friend had help with this recently after years of emotional/verbal abuse

He is a bully. Depressed or not he is carrying his DFs rage and will pass the traits to your children. Can he Leaves? Do you have somewhere to go. Please OP you deserve so much better and your DC

Well done in getting this far OP..
Sadly as you've seen many other women are living with aggressive bullies who treat their families like slaves to their aggression..

So I'm going to be candid with you...

It's taken you this time, cos it's shit... Abusive partners are happy that you're gaslighted by their behaviour eg he's a bastard... But he's so lovely sometimes....

The reality?? His anger and aggression to you is functional... (he does it purposely, to keep you and your kids 'in your place')

As you said I think... He presumably is sweetness and light to his colleagues /outsiders but treats his family with abuse and aggression.

Yes, you're absolutely eligible for DV programmes /police /social services help... Your younger kids are children, and are being abused by this arse.

Several other things :
The freedom programme is brilliant...

Women's aid are very helpful

Emotional abuse /coercive control... Is now in the statute books...

EVERY pal I know who's been with similar man- once they left can't believe how happy they are!

One took a recording... Usual... Loads of abuse/negativity... And plays 30secs of it whenever she finds herself thinking 'perhaps he wasn't that bad'... (he was!)

Courage!, and good luck!

It may not be DV but is definitely EA. Is this the sort of childhood you want for your boys? I would put plans to leave in place. Sort out finances and maybe look into jobs you could do part time. Your boys are older so should be easier. As you say TA might be a good place to start or admin support in a school.

Sorry to hear it’s worse not better.

Sounds like it is EA. What a horrible man.

I’m sure you and your children would be happier living in much reduced circumstances with out him in your lives, than with him in the family house.

I hope you can find the ways and means to break from him.

Not at all surprised to hear that its worse not better. Do you not think finding a job needs to be a high priority on your list, given that youve been unhappy but worried about money for do long? TA jobs pay badly and only in term time. Wont you need a full time job? Have you compared them to what you might earn elsewhere?

No judgment from me, Terry. Just a whole lot of sympathy. It’s always going to be easier to carry on in a familiar situation (even a really shitty one) than to stride out into the unknown, so it’s totally understandable that you keep clinging to that hope of things getting better. But I’m sorry to tell you that I really, really don’t think it ever will.

My ex was exactly like your partner. Awful, awful moods at the drop of a hat. Every holiday or special occasion or nice thing somehow turned into him sulking or giving me the silent treatment over something that I had supposedly done wrong. He could turn it on and off like a light switch, too. I can’t tell you how many times we’d be on our way to meet friends and he’d be swearing and ranting at me the entire way there until the moment we met our friends, when he’d suddenly become totally composed and charming and have a lovely time.

It was a total mindfuck and I lived in a constant state of anxiety and confusion. I can feel some of those same feelings again just reading your post, so I can only imagine how you must feel.

Leaving him will be hard, but I promise that moment when you go to sleep in your own bed for the first time and realise that you don’t need to be held hostage by his moods any more... that feeling will be so, so sweet.

Please see a solicitor. Do NOT give him any of your children’s savings.

Remember that your ideas about what seems fair and reasonable have been distorted by living with an passive agressive, manipulative bully.

You need legal advice .

Are you quite sure that he has no savings, insurance policies or pension? Is he self employed - I’m wondering why no pension ?

I guess it's bleeding obvious when you are not 'in it'.
lisasimpsonsaxophone - thanks for your reply - so sorry it's brought up old feeling a for you. It's hideous. How did you go about leacing/getting him to leave? Am I right in thinking my children will deal with it better if we can manage to stay in our home and he finds somewhere else to live? We are not married but home is in joint names.

Have had a quick look at jobs, will sit down later today and look whilst at my mum & stepdad's on their pc so no prying eyes.
Think an admin role in a school would be perfect - quite ok pay and hours to suit.

Have just tried WA but line busy, so shall try again.

Imogen - he has no savings, but is employed and has a tiny pension. you are right, I will not give him kids savings. He can stick a flat deposit on a credit card!

I borrowed cash for a deposit from my dgm. Asked a neighbour to help me move as I didn't drive then. Told him I was leaving - he didn't believe me.
He did when I went while he was at work. Obviously he had seen all packed etc.
I claimed benefits at that time.
I felt no shame in it - and the dc were more than fine.