Increasingly Angry and Negative Husband / Dad

[TerryMumof3]

Hi. I haven't been on MN for a long time but would really appreciate some support. I have been with my OH (not married) for 22 years and we have 3 sons, 17, 14, and 11. OH has always been a glass half empty person, and contributed very little to parenting our children. He always sleeps late at the weekend (11am ish) whilst I have always met the children's needs, yet he is the grumpy short tempered one. I have been wanting to leave him for YEARS, but always thought things may improve, he will change, he isn't always horrible to us. I wish I had done so when they were little. I have given him 2 serious ultimatums last year. He was pleasant and patient for a while but soon resorted to negative, angry, argumentative and selfish ways. Now I have teenage sons who think it's normal to argue with me and I have a real challenge in getting them to respect me, but totally understand that they have learnt from their father disrespect and suffered from all our arguments. My OH's behaviour is getting worse. He is very clever and adept at turning molehills into mountains and blaming me whilst he gets increasingly angry and 'victim-like'. When things are going his way, he is supportive of me, encourages me with my Open University Studies, and praises me when I feel unconfident. But as soon as things don't go his way, ie. I ask him to help out, or get up earlier to partake in parenting, or pick him up on his attitude to our boys, he rounds on me and gets very nasty, name calling, shouting, arguing in front of kids (he draws me in and before I know it I have been equally to blame for arguing in front of them). He works long hours, but loves his job, is cheery to outsiders but is horrible to us EVERY WEEKEND. I dread it when he has a few days off like now. Home is far more harmonious when it is just me and my boys. I am a SAHM, and receive CTC and DLA for 2 of our boys that have a disability. Our middle boy's behaviour mirrors OH's but OH cannot see it at all. BTW, OH father was emotionally, mentally and physically abusive and I believe this has damaged him and taught him his behaviour. He has never been physically violent but the mental/emotional is so wearing. Last time I gave him an ultimatum he played the victim of 'I don't want to leave, I have nowhere to go'. I however, now, have had enough, but as I am not working (I used to be a PA and good at it, although have a fair bit of voluntary experience in school and hospital) don't know if the boys and I can stay in our home. Sorry for such a long post.

How is the property owned?
Can you start looking for a job?
Find a benifits calculator and see if you can manage

An American saying 'If mums happy, everyone's happy'

I did the disconnecting thing from mine - similar issues re grump and misery, less anger, more depression, fueled by alcohol addiction. Realising the happiness you feel when you are out with your kids without him is something you could have all the time is the first step. I'm 5 months into life without him and while we have less money, life is so, so good. We are a peaceful, happy household. My DDs are more relaxed, barely fight at all any more and everyone is sleeping and eating better. DD2's school results have improved massively.

Honestly, OP - get your ducks in a row, however long it takes, and get rid of him.

Hi Senioritabonita

Not at all. I am really amazed at how our lives mirror each other at the same moment in time. I too did managed to groom my wonderful dog (matted because it always falls on me!), spend quality time with my children - although they were hard work at times because they are so used to seeing OH not be nice to me so the oldest two do it to each other a lot. So I repeatedly calmly but in a firm mum way reminding them to be respectful (this will take time)asked them to be kind and injected humour into our day and they had a really good time - so did I. I have been cool as a cucumber back home with OH, only speaking to him with one word answers to his questions.

__I've let go of caring about him or his emotions and he really doesn't realise how dangerous it is for him that I'm disconnecting.....

This is exactly how I am/feel too. He is rushing around being extra polite to me, but I am determined not to be drawn in as this is how it goes and then back to normal/shit before I know it.

I am glad you spent time with some of your old friends - it's a reminder of who you were and still are, and a tonic being with positive people.

Thanks ChickenOwner - yes so nice to have a family day out with lots of positives, fun and calmness. Really touched at you thinking of me x

TorviBS
I know - it's not rocket science is it - I don't understand why your ex and my OH can't see that their truly abhorrent behaviour is so damaging. I have not been the perfect parent (don't think they really exist) but I always apologise and explain stuff to my kids as I think it is so important to be humble, empathic and admit we make mistakes. However, 20+ years of bullying/manipulative/selfish behaviour is not really excusable. So pleased you finally got out but so sad both your children have to cope with anxiety and depression. thanks for posting and sharing.

My ex was just the same, determined to make everyone else as miserable as him. He spoiled our DCs childhood and they never kept in touch once he’d left. It took years for him to accept that our marriage was over.
Divorce freed me and the DCs and we never looked back. He soon found another partner, who is welcome to him.

Mrs BD - Yes points 1 & 2 are so right. Dreading point 3 - as I think he will probably manipulate youngest son (11) who has always been a mum's boy.

GreenTulips - Yes I will have to get a job but need to find advice on my rights as I know if I got a job right now my wages would wipe out ctax credits whilst OH is included on joint income. I wonder whether I wait until he is gone and then get a job and tax credits may not be so affected. Will hopefully get this info at CAB.

We are not married but our home is jointly owned - worth around £290k but still owe just under £100k/13.5 years left.

Hi Bedknobs
So sorry that your children suffered because of their father. At least he's out of your lives now because you had the balls to call it a day. Wishing your family lots of future happiness.

I think my OH will.make.things awful and it'll be awful for DS2 & DS3. DS1 has had enough of him though. I guess I'll find some strength somewhere/how.

Pointythings - I am really thrilled to hear that after only 5 months you are much happier with your children and without your ex. That's wonderful - your kids being happier and getting on better and improving at school.
If you don't mind me asking - did you have to sell up, or able to stay and buy him out? also do you work/did you increase your hours or have benefits helped? Sorry not asking to be nosey, it's all swirling around in my head and adding to my stress.

Today I felt different out on own with kids (as opposed to me taking them out when he's working,) - I once thought I couldn't do it on my own but now realise that I have been doing it on own for so long just with miserable tw*t hindering us. Today truly without him, was just normal and happy and that's how it should be.

I know DS2 and.DS3 will miss him (he.can be nice at times) but they can.see him just not with me.

Hi TerryMum in my case my H did the decent thing - our arrangement is that I get the house and make nu further claim on him for maintenance or anything. He has very substantial money of his own. I work full time in a job that pays well and always have. This was hard when the girls were little, but is paying off in spades now. I do get some benefits - a small amount of child tax credit and child benefit - but I earn too much for working tax credit. Obviously my situation has been very fortunate and mu STBXH isn't malicious - his joysucking awfulness stems from alcoholism and he recognises this but is powerless/unwilling to do anything about it. Right now he is living in a flat and not doing anything - he has lost his job and we are worried about him. His family and I are close and we are all worried about him, so the situation isn't quite like yours.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

I'm pleased you put yourself, animals and DC first Terry, we can do this. Are you on half term this week?

I've saved Tesco club card voucher and and am spending with wanton abandon - were off to a THEME PARK tomorrow. DC think I've gone quite mad, DH flabbergasted. I am smiling serenely and feeling excited :)

AFAIK you can claim benifits when you separate even if living in the same property - you need to set the house up with him in a different bedroom etc and show separate kitchen arrangements

Speak to CA to find out

Thanks Pointy. Glad you managed to stay in your family home - makes such a difference to how the kids cope I think.

Hmm - my OH is the opposite - he has no money set aside, just his monthly salary but I can't see him allowing me to keep our home. Once I have been to seek professional advice I'll know where I stand 're house/finances.

Really sorry your ex is not doing well with his addiction - it affects everyone I know. Thank you for your kind words. All the best to you too.

Senioritabonita. Good on you - your post made me smile - you & kids will have a fab time. My flabbergasted OH has gone into work on his day off today as 'there's no point staying around here' were his words, in response to my coolness and disinterest in his paltry apology. So it's nice and calm and peaceful at home today.

OMG Green Tulips - can't think of anything worse than him huffing and puffing even more once he knows it's over, and feeling sorry for himself OTT in case I don't notice! He can have the tent 😆

He can have the tent

You are far to good for him! Give him a blanket and the stars!!

I hope you wholeheartedly agreed when he said there was no point!

I've just been and bought a lot of picnic ingredients for tomorrow. Discombobulated DH is roaming the house forlornly wondering what is going on but not saying anything.

DS has invited a friend round and they are in the living room - this has never happened before. We're in the midst of a mass rebellion!

Senioritabonita

He was saying it to get a response from me and when I didn't give one I could see how confused he was before he sulked off to work. Too bad. When I took kids out on Monday without telling him, my eldest discovered he'd been on Xbox for much of the day! If boot was on other foot I would have cleaned house up, made dinner, fixed stuff etc but not him.
Amused at your OH being discombobulated. Glad you are ensuring your children are having a good time and you are above all his antics.

I am at a theme park! Left at 7am whilst freaked out dh drank coffee and didn't ask 😁

He's been texting me all day and I'm busy and not doing much replying

The x box is hilarious, seriously - who does he think he's fooling! I hope your dc see thru him.

Senioritabonita

I hope you all had a fabulous day. 7am is an incredibly organised departure time. how old are your DC? My younger DC keep mentioning they wish Dad was here - I know they are going to miss him but at moment just find it irritating. I think they miss the idea of him with us rather than in practice when he is miserable argumentative and negative. I don't miss that at all.

They are 13 and 14 - but enthusiastic about theme parks. Today they emerged at 10am haha
DH is being much more pleasant the last few days but experience tells me he'll revert to stats quo as soon as he can....

What a coincidence - mine too is being extra pleasant and nothing too much trouble kinda attitude afterbeing ignored for nearly a week. However, this isn't the genuine thing.

Just to say I know what you're feeling, terrymum. I'm in a v similar position. I'm ashamed of how disgustingly he speaks to me and to our son (DDs escape most of the vile aggression thank god.)

I know he loves me, I know he does everything he can to materially provide for us and I know he has a lot to deal with. I also know he will never ever change. It's so fucking exhausting trying to convince another person to change and I just can't keep on at it.

When do you get to the point of no return? I'm hardening and have stopped crying as much. I'm just sad that I have to get him away from me as the lovely side is so lovely.

senorita your attitude is inspiring, thank you for posting. It gives me some hope! 😂

Sorry for self-centred post. I never tell anyone what it's like in real life.

MizK you are not being selfish, you are joining the parade of women married to shitty grumpy men. Or in my case soon to be not married to shitty grumpy men. Though my solicitors have fucked up the petition yet again by getting my middle name wrong yet again (they have a copy of my passport so why can they not just copy it from there???) but he isn't living with us any more so it's fine.

Just start planning your escape. Look at your options for work and finances. Get ducks in a row. Think how much better your life would be without him.