Someone please help me. ANGER

[Whatislife123]

I have a 3 year old and a baby. My baby is pretty good at feeding and going back to sleep, however my toddler whom I cosleep wITH wakes up and wakes me up and at times the baby. I have a major anger problem (stemmimg from abusive childhood) so when toddler wakes up I get very frustrated, angry most of the time but try to keep it under wraps but sometimes I literally cannot think straight and for the past 2 nights have been awake since 3.30am.
Since 3.30 this morning I have shouted at my toddler to go back to sleep. Told him to shut up numerous times getting close to his face , roughly handled him on several occasions. Put my hand on his mouth when he grinded his teeth. I feel like SHIT SHIT SHIT.
I wish he had a better mother then me and on mmny occasions have contemplated ringing SS. I know methods to keep calm but I am a weak and nasty person. I am seeing a counsellor but it is early days.
I know my son will have mental.health problems and it will be all my fault. I never ever wanted to be a mother like this. I feel sick to the stomach. I honestly hate myself for being a nasty piece of work.
Father is on the scene but doesn't live with me. Also recently been feeling very lonely and like no body wants me . I know it sounds pathetic.
Sorry it is long and I probably made no sense but I am shaking.

Dont know why I posted in AIBU. 😩

You may be suffering from PND triggered by tiredness and stress. It might be worth having a chat with your GP to see if there's anything they can suggest. It sounds like you're having a tough time. Sending hugs x

Just to add I tell my toddler I love him several times in the day. He gets plenty of hugs and affection. We do avtivities together and we do spend quality time together. If it wasnt for this anger problem I would be a fantastic parent. But yes I think the previous poster is right about the stress issue.

Please get some help from your doctor or SS. You obviously love your children and you need some support with your anger before something happens that you regret.

And you are not a 'weak and nasty person'. You are struggling.

Maybe it's time to stop co sleeping.

I used to be really angry being woken up too, really it was awful. Interestingly I also had a very dysfunctional childhood and my dad was a complete tyrant.

What helped me was: going to bed earlier, going on antidepressants, and anxiety hypnotherapy which I did through a free app. You can sort this out.

Does your toddler have to sleep with you? It sounds like you both need space. Can you get him a mouth shield from the dentist to stop the teeth grinding?

It does sound worrying but it's good you are aware of it - 100% time to stop co-sleeping and definitely see your GP.

Excellant advice from everyone.

You can do this OP but I would say to take help to get you all through it.

See G.P urgently and also how about your Health Visitor and parenting groups.

I mean all that in a nice way, you can do this. You want to do it.

I was left alone when pregnant. The hardest thing was the nights with a baby and no help - let alone a toddler as well.

Could your toddler have a toddler bed in your room?

keep posting and keep going.

@WelcomeToGilead
Can I ask what the app is please?
That sounds tough OP! Seek help from your GP. At least you have insight into the issue as well and are getting help, give it time x

Please see your gp. I am a calm person. Not long after I had my second child I started feeling The Rage. Within a few days of taking Sertraline I felt like myself again. It might be that simple for you, and if it isn’t at least you’ll have someone else (the gp) looking out for you and your DS.

Please speak to someone today, even if it’s social services. They will have an emergency duty number you can call.

I’m concerned that you are putting your hand over your child’s mouth and handling him roughly.

P.S my childhood was the same.

Try some counselling to help with that but maybe look at the stress/anger/feeling unwanted as a possible PND, on top of your childhood issues.

So basically you are dealing with a double whammy AND being a lone parent on top.

Your hormones are all over the place probably still from your first baby, let alone the second.

It took me 4 years to start to feel normal again.

Please keep posting, there is always someone here.

Can anyone you trust (grandparent/friend) have your toddler overnight for you?

Thank you so much for your help. Yes he does have a toddler bed but is very relectant to sleep in it but it is time for him to sleep in his bed.
Yes I do need space from him. I know it sounds awful but it is the truth. I rock him to sleep too.

You're tired and overwhelmed. You need some support. Can you talk to your Health Visitor? If you've got a good one he/she will be able to provide some support, an your GP can help too. In the meantime who could you ask for help? Family of friend maybe? Someone who could stay for a day or 2? You've got a lot on your plate and there is no shame in asking for help.

Does your toddler go to nursery? Ask them to have gentle positive conversations that encourage sleeping in your own bed.

If you can get toddler a little c.d player and some audiobooks.

My DD will have Paddington or Peter Rabbit on c.d some nights and a gro-light that fits on the main light bulb on the ceiling.

Co-sleeping doesn’t sound like it’s working for you both. He needs his own bed now OP.

My todder doesn't go to nursery but may do in september. Yes I do have family but they all think I am coping. In the day I am generally ok and rarely shout and when I get angry I wAlk away. But recently I have been feeling lonely and I just want to sleep in peace as it like my escape. My time to rest. Just to add I never lose temper with baby. I happily get up for him.

you are NOT weak and nasty. You are sleep deprived and on the brink. I really feel for you. I have two DC similar ages who are both poor sleepers. Recently they seem to take it in turns to keep me awake all night. I struggle to keep my temper and have on occasions shouted. I feel awful when I do it but so desperate. I do have a very supportive DH but because I breastfeed and he's a heavy sleeper, nights are usually all on me. So I get it.

What sometimes works for me is screaming silently into a pillow, leaving the room for a few minutes or trying to think of times when baby/toddler was particularly loveable or cute. It can help a bit!

Good luck. You're trying to parent under very challenging circumstances and obviously love your DC.

Co-sleeping is not working. And you are all right about him sleeping i his own bed. I love him so much but Ive become a monster. Fucking hate myself.

Today get your children's father to take them out all day, then just get some sleep

Also, the anger thing - you need help with that, but you being angry will make your toddler more stressed and less likely to sleep, so just remember that, swallow your anger and cuddle To sleep instead, replace the anger with love - this replacement also sticks two fingers up at your past too, turning yourself around from your childhood issues - tell yourself your child won't suffer like you did, your child will have the best mum, and you're a strong woman and will make sure that'll happen
Good luck, but get support and help plus get sleep today

Thank you all for your advice. I really needed this. The DCs see there dad everyday but he is going through his own problems with work and personal issues