Someone please help me. ANGER

[Whatislife123]

I have a 3 year old and a baby. My baby is pretty good at feeding and going back to sleep, however my toddler whom I cosleep wITH wakes up and wakes me up and at times the baby. I have a major anger problem (stemmimg from abusive childhood) so when toddler wakes up I get very frustrated, angry most of the time but try to keep it under wraps but sometimes I literally cannot think straight and for the past 2 nights have been awake since 3.30am.
Since 3.30 this morning I have shouted at my toddler to go back to sleep. Told him to shut up numerous times getting close to his face , roughly handled him on several occasions. Put my hand on his mouth when he grinded his teeth. I feel like SHIT SHIT SHIT.
I wish he had a better mother then me and on mmny occasions have contemplated ringing SS. I know methods to keep calm but I am a weak and nasty person. I am seeing a counsellor but it is early days.
I know my son will have mental.health problems and it will be all my fault. I never ever wanted to be a mother like this. I feel sick to the stomach. I honestly hate myself for being a nasty piece of work.
Father is on the scene but doesn't live with me. Also recently been feeling very lonely and like no body wants me . I know it sounds pathetic.
Sorry it is long and I probably made no sense but I am shaking.

Ah apologies. Mindfulness exercise sounds much more manageable than meditation.

Sleep deprivation as torture involves being kept awake for a week whilst wearing nothing but a hood and a nappy, chained by the ankles and wrists, listening to children's songs on constant repeat, whilst being humiliated. It's not the same thing.

Op went to bed as normal, slept until 3:30, and was thereafter kept awake by her 3yo. It is difficult, it is something most parents can identify with, it does not generally lead to mistreating your toddler for being awake or grinding his teeth (with anxiety?).

I think constructive and useful to tell op to draw a line and seek help, but telling her 'nobody could be a good parent in those conditions' is dangerously minimising.

@@bettereatcheese thank you
I will take a snap shot of that and read it before I go to bed and when toddler wakes up to remind me how to behave appropriately

As others have said, but would also add that swap his toddler bed for a single bed. Makes transition to not co-sleeping easier as you can get in with the toddler then sneak out etc. I hope things start to pick up for your family soon

Lack of sleep can make the lovliest person lose it! I think it's time you told your toddler that he's getting his own bed. Get him/her to choose a new sleep toy or a night light and then tell them they are going to be growing up and in their own bed - how exciting! (I made a game of it and said it was exciting, note don't say "Don't worry" because then they think there is somethng to worry about). This should allow you to sleep for longer periods and I'm sure with that you'll be functioning better.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I really needed some support and advice and feel a little lighter now. I need to get rid of the guilt and start loving myself. I do need to meditate. I have a book on mindful meditation. I must practice what I read.

He definitely needs to sleep in his toddler bed. My judgment is sometime clouded because I do feel mummy guilt alot aswel as dealing with other stuff.

Just so you know he grinds his teeth when tired

Just thought to add I tell my toddler I love him everyday. I cuddle him, sing to him, play games with him, make him laugh. Praise him, encourage him. We spend quality time together and I very rarely shout at him during toddler but I snapped last night in the most disgusting way. My toddler is happily playing in the garden but I know i need to be constantly mindful, even in the good times

I meant to say very rarely shout at him during the day

rainy This is not dangerously minimising. And torture through sleep deprivation though more extreme in terms of the sleep deprivation itself, is I very much hope not usually administered to new mums. A combination of circumstances, ie sleep deprivation and the hormonal and physical condition of a new mum have led to this behaviour.

There's no point piling on the guilt. We are where we are. All thoughts and actions are conditional on the circumstances leading up to them. Sounds like OP is on a better path to being a woman who is finding her way out of an extremely difficult situation.

As others have said, see your doctor. You are having a tough time and you need professsional support.

OP if you're an adequate mum you're doing enough. I defy anyone to be the perfect parent. It would mean being the perfect human being!

I hope you all enjoy the sunshine today. Enjoy its warmth, the breeze, your garden your toddler's happiness outside, your baby's lovely baby smell and cuddliness. Enjoy it as much as you can.

It sounds like on the whole you're doing okay.

To remind you of the bigger picture

There's a lot more to parenting than being a 24/7 gentle parent. Many a parent who is great with little ones will have difficulties with their teenagers for example.

Best of luck OP. It's a tough old, journey of extremes being a parent. All consuming, remember about your needs too. If you look after yourself you be best placed to look after the other people around you.

Some lovely supportive people on here xx

Yes to suggestions to seeing your doc.

Maybe you need to seek help to control the issues you are having, there is nothing wrong with admitting you are struggling, you've posted on here so that's a start. Also, I think it's time you stop Co sleeping, it's not good for you or DS, I think once you've achieved a new routine of sleeping in your own beds, the anger/frustration will also settle down as you've both had a good night's sleep and sometimes, that's all you need. 🌼

Thank you all for your kind words. It means alot to me.

You are not a weak and nasty person. You are doing your best and trying to be a good mother. I don't know any woman who hasn't felt intense rage and shouted when sleep deprived.

But I recommend getting some help. The anger is distressing to both you and your little one. I found Sertraline wonderful for taking the edge off my moods (PND) I just don't get angry to that extent any more. It's easier to control my temper. I also take zopiclone some nights as I'm prone to insomnia. I can wake up easily but get back to sleep easily too when I've had zopiclone. Worth a chat with your GP.

Also have you considered moving him into his own bed or room? Co sleeping with a toddler must be quite intense. I need my own space from mine at night, even if I have to get up a few times to settle her, I like coming back to the calm of my own room!

Hmmm I seen to remember a thread not so long back where the sleep deprived dad was scaring his child in the middle of the night and it was all immediate action to remove the dangerous person from the home and the bairn was in danger but a mother doing it it's all pats on the heads and a there there.

You've recognised a problem OP now do something about it. Start with your HV and tell her that you need some support and is there some resource available/groups/workshops etc. Therapy so your kids don't go on to repeat the cycle type of stuff. Be more proactive at working on yourself.

OP I recognise elements of this in my own behaviour when I've been sleep deprived and feeling unsupported. So I can empathise but I also think it is important to take responsibility for our own behaviour which I try to do and it sounds you are doing to. It's not your little boy's fault so it's important to detach this anger from him and his behaviour. This article should be really useful on helping you to address your anger in general and the points you make about your own childhood really resonate here too. www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/handling-anger Your son shouldn't be affected by this long term if you sort this out now, today. I think you need to have a strategy for what you will do next time you feel triggered like this at night -the article has ideas. Think about what it will feel like, what you will do, and what you will then do if the first strategy doesn't work. I think moving to own bed is a reasonable idea if it will help with your sleep. it's worth bearing in mind that it may not initially as your son gets used to the change. This article may help with the move: www.ahaparenting.com/Ages-stages/toddlers/crib-to-toddler-bed and with stopping rocking/helping him put himself to sleep www.ahaparenting.com/Ages-stages/toddlers/helping-your-toddler-learn-to-put-himself-to-sleep. You also need to seriously prioritise self care. Stop putting yourself last as you need to look after yourself to look after your children. If their dad has them every day then use this time for you to relax unwind and catch up with sleep. Tell your closest family member that you are struggling and ask if they can please have the kids as a one off or a regular thing. If they say no then ask your next closest, etc. Seriously consider starting nursery now with your toddler again to give you a break. Go to bed early to help you to cope with the wake ups. This shall pass, and things will get better. Good luck xx

I just want to say that my 'nighttime' reaction to my son is not a regular one. It happens once in a nighttime. Usually when he wakes up I tell him to go back to sleep as you will wake the neighbours up. But now and again I wake up feeling angry and my reaction this morning was completely wrong.
I still have some anxiety in regards to my toddler and not baby. I am seeing a private counselor and I do practice mindfulness but I know I need to be mindful every second of the day. I also have a diary where I put my feelings into.

nutbrownhare15 thank you for the link.

I meant to say my mean reaction to my son is a rare occurance but ofcourse it is one too many times.

My DCs father works long hours but does see them everyday.

Please dont hate yourself. Sleep deprivation can make you seriously ill. This is why people turn into monsters when they are tired. You are struggling and this is nothing to be ashamed of. You have taken step 1. Step two is speaking to your doctor. Co sleeping is not working. Getting ds in his own bed will be tough but you can introduce slowly. Perhaps afternoon nap. If he does well lots of praise. Even if he only manages a short while.