Someone please help me. ANGER

[Whatislife123]

I have a 3 year old and a baby. My baby is pretty good at feeding and going back to sleep, however my toddler whom I cosleep wITH wakes up and wakes me up and at times the baby. I have a major anger problem (stemmimg from abusive childhood) so when toddler wakes up I get very frustrated, angry most of the time but try to keep it under wraps but sometimes I literally cannot think straight and for the past 2 nights have been awake since 3.30am.
Since 3.30 this morning I have shouted at my toddler to go back to sleep. Told him to shut up numerous times getting close to his face , roughly handled him on several occasions. Put my hand on his mouth when he grinded his teeth. I feel like SHIT SHIT SHIT.
I wish he had a better mother then me and on mmny occasions have contemplated ringing SS. I know methods to keep calm but I am a weak and nasty person. I am seeing a counsellor but it is early days.
I know my son will have mental.health problems and it will be all my fault. I never ever wanted to be a mother like this. I feel sick to the stomach. I honestly hate myself for being a nasty piece of work.
Father is on the scene but doesn't live with me. Also recently been feeling very lonely and like no body wants me . I know it sounds pathetic.
Sorry it is long and I probably made no sense but I am shaking.

You're not a monster, you need sleep and support

If you can be calm for the baby, I think you can get there with your toddler. He was that tiny baby once that loved his mummy going to help him in the night. He will still want you in the night, you are his world and maybe he misses that.

All 3 of you can be an amazing little family in your nest. I know you need rest.
Please look at PND.

Your son will be able to tell people what happens at night and you will be mortified. I am honestly giving you support, I have been there.

Keep going, with support.

Tell your family the truth, that you could use a hand.

flumpybear, OP is all cuddled out. Things won't be sorted until her little boy gets used to settling himself.

Yes I do need support. I feel lonely and Im sure it is to do with lack of support and affection.

Whilst you're pursuing the excellent suggestions above, please try not to hate yourself. Just as your toddler can't help the waking up, teeth grinding etc, you can't help how you're reacting to it. It's obviously vital that you do get a handle on it as soon as possible, but think of it as a problem that needs solving rather than you being horrible; just as if you had, say, a broken leg or chronic back-ache you'd look for solutions rather than blaming your bones for being "weak and nasty".

Consider, when your child acts up you hate the behaviour, not the child (maybe you feel as though you do, when it's in the middle of the night, but it doesn't last) and work on correcting it rather than labelling him a bad person; and what is an adult but a child who got big? I think if you liked yourself a bit more it may even help reduce the anger, because at the moment you're angry with yourself as well as the child and that just adds to the whole uncontrollable fury scenario. (Been there, done that, tore the T-shirt in a fit of rage...)

Yes your right. My counsellor told me that I don't love myself from everything I told her. One thing I do know is that I will never give up on my children.

Sleep deprivation is the worst, I remember it well, my dd1 was a co sleeper until she was 3 took ages to get her into her own bed and she didn’t sleep through until she started full days at school. I was sooo tired and there were times when I shouted at her to go to sleep, where I sat and cried with her, it was a lonely time but things did eventually get easier. My dd’s are now 12 and 14, I still remember the toddler years and it put me off wanting any more.

Don’t be too hard on yourself, try and get sleep when you can, try and get your ds into his own bed and make some time for yourself.

Thank you all for your help. I have alot on my plate but I need to somehow find the strength to get through this difficult time. I will do everything in my power to make things better.

You can get through this Op, get the 3 year old in his own bed. Does he have his own room? If so put a stair gate on the doorway. Make it so he wants to be in his bed, story and a cuddle every night.

I didn't get a whole nights sleep in 3 years and it was turning me into an angry bitch. I snapped and didn't give in and after a couple of tough weeks we are nearly through to the other side.

Every night I sit on the floor until my DC have fallen asleep, it's not ideal but it's better than no sleep and up and down all night. I'm going to tackle leaving them in the 6 weeks holiday so my other DC are t disturbed.

Do not co sleep with your new baby. I made this mistake after having a non sleeping toddler and it made it even worse.

Nursery in sept is a good idea so you could have a nap during the day. And you get 15 hours for free.

Hi op I posted the same thing last night - Anger :-(http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3260226-anger

Except you say you can stay calm in the day, my anger has been in the day too! The fact is we know it's not ok, some people may not recognise that it's not ok, may make excuses, we have recognised this and asked for help, we can take steps to rectify this, we both obviously love our children so very much and it is a blip, not the way we are xxx

I'm definitely not going to co sleep with baby. I cannot make another rod for my back.
Also just read the previous OP's post. Thank you for the link. Good advice on there too

Sorry don't know how to reply to individual people

We do love our children very much. We want to do the best we can for them. So lets do it😘😘

Yes let's do it @Whatislife123

To reply to individual people you put an @ sign and their name 😊 please keep in touch, let's keep each other updated on our progress!

Op. today get a friend or the father to take them for a few hours then go to bed and sleep. You not nasty bad mum just a tried mum who needs support. Be kind to yourself and ask for her. Gp, hv, ss if needed. They there for you xxx

@definitelynotsupermum we definitely should keep in touch. 😘

You sound very self aware and like you love your dc. I'm pleased you've been given lots of constructive advice that you plan to act on.

But, honestly, I don't think you can blame sleep deprivation or childhood trauma for your anger issues. It is a bit like when people say 'the beer made me do it'. You are in control of your own behaviour. This wasn't a brief 'snap' moment but a prolonged period of several hours of really quite cruel behaviour towards your little son.

I think that a woman posting that her dp had handled their child roughly, told him to shut up while up in his face, put his hand over the child's mouth and so on would be told to protect the child by leaving that dp, and sleep deprivation wouldn't be accepted as an excuse.

You do need help, from the gp possibly, from family, but I dislike your behaviour being minimised because you're a tired single mum and I don't think you should take from this thread that your behaviour can be explained, excused or in any way repeated if the circumstances arise again.

@RainySeptember I don't think anyone is trying to excuse it, as there is no excuse, but there are reasons and op is trying to change those reasons and change her response to it. We all know it's not ok and it's definitely true that if this was a man we would be saying to get the children away.

You can't help how you react to it
I suppose this is the sort of comment that has surprised me. You can help it actually, and you will have to.

@RainySeptember ah yes I see your point, as parents we must change the way we react to things. I think the good thing is that op is aware and trying to change it, rather than trying to excuse or say it's ok or because of xyz

I agree regarding self awareness. Just shocked to read some of the platitudes, focused entirely on making op feel better about herself when actually there's a sad, sleep deprived little boy at the heart of this, who was probably quite frightened at times last night in his own mother's bed. I'm far from a perfect parent, but the sustained nature of it was shocking I think, along with alluding to other incidents. I hope op acts on all the advice given.

I keep this list on my phone to try and snap me out of it when dd was little. I didn't recognise myself.

READ ME

Anger is normal and we are responsible for what we choose to do with it.

I am capable of 1000 times more harm in one action than anything that is thrown at me

Violence sabotages and undoes all the good - it is not ok to discharge in this way

Your child is not the cause and is not your enemy

There is nothing constructive about expressing our anger to another person - it is not true that unless we express it, it will eat away at us

Once calm look at what made us furious. What is wrong in my life that made me feel so furious?
What do we need to do to change that situation

We will not find the answers to these questions by acting in anger

Offer a role model and don't hurt
Screaming is a tantrum
Might does not make right

Show how anger is human and handle it in a mature way

'I am too mad right now to talk about this. I am going to take a timeout and calm down'
Model self control
This is not love withdrawal

Go away to calm down then go back.
'This is not an emergency... Kids need love most when they don't seem to deserve it...she's acting out because she needs help with her feelings...this too shall pass'

Do not ruin your child's life as the effects are lasting

Planning:
Set limits so everyone knows what is expected

Stop
Breathe - elephant 3 times
'This isn't an emergency'
Shake the anger out of my hands
Noise - hum
Smile

What is under the anger?
Fear
Sadness
Disappointment
It is ok to let these in and feel them

NEVER act while angry

Ok to say 'I need to think about what has happened and we will talk about it later'

Don't repress the pain of my own childhood

Mindfulness practice - 20 minutes a day to strengthen brain's response to anger and make it easier to calm

Your situation sounds like hell. Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture by various governments. It's outrageous that you are in this situation. Nobody could be a good parent in those conditions.

Not so many decades ago new mums were mostly in bed for the first three weeks and expected to do nothing much more than feed the new baby. Other women were drafted in to run the house and look after the baby's siblings.

My mum, who was the kindest, most patient, maternal person had a baby who barely slept. And she told me that she was so fed up she felt like throwing the baby away. That is a slight paraphrase as what she actually said was shocking. Well, before I had children I was shocked by this.

Mums have needs too. Tell your toddler that you are very sorry for being horrid. Explain it's because you haven't had nearly enough sleep. Then tell your toddler that they must sleep in their own bed so that they get a good night's sleep and you and the baby get more sleep.

There's no point demonising OP. Of course her actions are unfortunate. She is not excusing herself. In fact she feels bad at wanting to sleep in a bed without her toddler.

Seriously, meditate for 20 minutes to train your brain? When you have a toddler and a newborn? For goodness sake. I meditate, and go to a buddhist centre. They would be the first to say, that in OP's circumstances let go of your guilt and prioritise getting your own needs met as well as those of your children. Be as kind to yourself as to everyone else. Berating yourself is a waste of energy. Toddlers do not need to sleep in the same bed as their parents.

YY to meditation in a few weeks time. Not at the moment though.

Thank you all for your advice and even the harsh truth. I am willing to accept it as it is the truth.
I know I can't blame it on my childhood but my awful childhood has had an effect on me pyschologically which I am speaking to a counsellor about. I know I have to work that little bit harder then someone who has had a loving caring childhood but I am trying.
I have hugged my toddler repeatedly, told him i love him lots of times and have apologized to him.