I have a 3 year old and a baby. My baby is pretty good at feeding and going back to sleep, however my toddler whom I cosleep wITH wakes up and wakes me up and at times the baby. I have a major anger problem (stemmimg from abusive childhood) so when toddler wakes up I get very frustrated, angry most of the time but try to keep it under wraps but sometimes I literally cannot think straight and for the past 2 nights have been awake since 3.30am.
Since 3.30 this morning I have shouted at my toddler to go back to sleep. Told him to shut up numerous times getting close to his face , roughly handled him on several occasions. Put my hand on his mouth when he grinded his teeth. I feel like SHIT SHIT SHIT.
I wish he had a better mother then me and on mmny occasions have contemplated ringing SS. I know methods to keep calm but I am a weak and nasty person. I am seeing a counsellor but it is early days.
I know my son will have mental.health problems and it will be all my fault. I never ever wanted to be a mother like this. I feel sick to the stomach. I honestly hate myself for being a nasty piece of work.
Father is on the scene but doesn't live with me. Also recently been feeling very lonely and like no body wants me . I know it sounds pathetic.
Sorry it is long and I probably made no sense but I am shaking.