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Original poster

To want sex!

77 replies

imeanreally2 · 26/05/2018 15:52

It's been a whole month since we had sex. And that was about a month after the last time we'd done it too. We are averaging about once a month- 6 weeks at the moment Confused

He doesn't see an issue, he says he's tired, not in the mood etc. He spends his free time playing xbox when he's at home. When I ask he tells me to use my toy Hmm he gets home from work about an hour before me so I'm convinced he watches porn and masturbates in this time.

I'm fed up. I'm not ridiculously horny or something but I do like the closeness sex brings. We only moved in together last year and sex became rarer after that. Is that normal? Is this what a long term cohabitation relationship is like?

OP posts:
YetAnotherUser · 26/05/2018 16:00

Plenty of people go off sex, but if you have mismatched sex drives then it's highly likely to pose a problem in the long term.

You say he doesn't see it as an issue, what is his response when you tell him that it's an issue for you?

Original poster
imeanreally2 · 26/05/2018 16:02

He tells me to use the toy, or sometimes gets annoyed and cross. He says 'we did it a few weeks ago!' As if that's frequent enough. He also gets defensive and tells me to stop going on about it.

OP posts:
MapMyMum · 26/05/2018 16:03

Stop asking, maybe put on some nice undies and seduce him, or get in the shower with him. If he outrightly refuses when you try this thrn I think there's a bigger problem, either depression or similar or he feels differently about you

YetAnotherUser · 26/05/2018 16:04

Well nagging isn't particularly attractive, but unless you're asking all the time it doesn't sound like that's what you're doing.

His dismissive attitude sounds extremely worrying. What's the rest of the relationship like?

Original poster
imeanreally2 · 26/05/2018 16:06

@MapMyMum I've tried that and it doesn't work. He either gets annoyed (about things like the shower scenario) or says I look nice but that's it.

OP posts:
NotUmbongoUnchained · 26/05/2018 16:07

I wouldn’t be able to put up with that but normal is different for everyone. From my experience no, it’s not normal for sex to become less frequent after you move in together.

TacoLover · 26/05/2018 16:09

Tbh you sound like a bit of a sex pest, which would be a major turn off for me. Complaining about it isn't going to make him want to have sex with you, is it?

Original poster
imeanreally2 · 26/05/2018 16:12

@TacoLover I'm not a pest, I maybe bring it up once or twice a week but that's it. It's becoming less often as I know the answer will be no or it will cause an argument.

OP posts:
Babdoc · 26/05/2018 16:13

Possibilities include:
He has someone else
He only likes novelty and you’re too familiar since moving in
He has lost his libido, due to either tiredness, depression or old age
He has some grudge against you and is withholding sex as a passive-aggressive retaliation
His libido was always lower than yours but he tried to match you in the early days when he felt more need to make an effort
He is gay and in denial
There are probably other possibilities, but those are the ones that spring to mind.
What do you think yourself, OP?

SparklyMagpie · 26/05/2018 16:16

Tbh I wouldn't want sex with somebody who didn't want me

What do you genuinely think his reasons are?

Sorryisjustaword · 26/05/2018 16:16

If he’s like this after only a few months, think ahead to when you’ve been together 5 years, how will you feel about it then?
You need to have a proper talk with him after you’ve hidden his xbox, if this is how he wants your lives to be then you have a decision to make.
If you leave it , it’s likely to start eating you up and then you’ll find yourself angry at him for other things and you won’t care how hard he works or how tired he is, you’ll just be angry at him all of the time.
Do you really want to just have sex twice a year?

MuddyForestWalks · 26/05/2018 16:18

FINISH IT

Seriously it won't get better, it really won't.

Original poster
imeanreally2 · 26/05/2018 16:18

I don't think he has anyone else as he's always here.

I think it's either a loss of libido or maybe he finds real life sex boring compared to porn? I just don't know.

OP posts:
MrsHappyAndMrCool · 26/05/2018 16:25

I think it's either a loss of libido

^ I think this is the reason behind it.

NewYearNewMe18 · 26/05/2018 16:25

Is he over weight, have undiagnosed diabetes, low blood pressure, heart problems? He may well be in denial that he has a health problem.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 26/05/2018 16:27

I havent had sex in 9 years.

I had lack sex in my last relationship and it was shit. You might just be incompatible.

SoapOnARoap · 26/05/2018 16:29

I’d get out OP it won’t get any better. Virtually sexless relationships are pointless if one of the parties involved wants more

Orangecake123 · 26/05/2018 16:32

You need to have a serious talk with him.Telling you to just use a toy isn't okay. Is he still affectionate in other ways?

Introduce a bit of fun- book a weekend away?

BeyondRedYNWA · 26/05/2018 16:33

Babdoc, you missed out the 'death grip'...

That's the one I'd put money on, OP, especially as you're already suspicious that it's porn/wanking related... :(

HenbaneRiver · 26/05/2018 16:34

Have you tried doing more around the house?
If you have children are you doing more with them to give your partner a break?
You're not entitled to sex you know, your partner doesn't have to do anything they don't want to.

Shhiiitttt. Just seen you're female and he's male. That explains why the majority of posters see it as his problem and the normal advice (see above) hasn't been mentioned. Good old mumsnet. Smile

StormcloakNord · 26/05/2018 16:34

I could have written this about my ex.

He was never up for sex and we averaged once every 3/4 weeks and that just got fewer and fewer. I felt unattractive, unloved and it really took a toll on my self esteem. I suppressed my sex drive and convinced myself (stupidly) that it was normal and I just wanted sex too much.

He eventually left, he was never really 'in' the relationship, barely any sex was just a symptom of that.

DP has shown me that my sex drive isn't abnormal, we both have a normal sex drive and it averages around 3 times a week, he'd happily have it more.

Don't settle for this, you're worth more.

eddielizzard · 26/05/2018 16:35

haha HenbaneRiver too true.

Original poster
imeanreally2 · 26/05/2018 16:36

@NewYearNewMe18 he has type 1 diabetes

OP posts:
TacoLover · 26/05/2018 16:37

This isn't to do with you OP but I've noticed on all the threads men start about the lack of sex, they're told to use their hands and get on with it. Interesting that when it's a woman the replies are different.

BumpowderSneezeonAndSnot · 26/05/2018 16:38

Take the pressure off. Be more affectionate. Give him space.

Mostly talk to him tell him it's not the sex you crave but the intimacy and take the pressure off the big O and more about being together see if that helps

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