To want sex!

[imeanreally2]

It's been a whole month since we had sex. And that was about a month after the last time we'd done it too. We are averaging about once a month- 6 weeks at the moment

He doesn't see an issue, he says he's tired, not in the mood etc. He spends his free time playing xbox when he's at home. When I ask he tells me to use my toy he gets home from work about an hour before me so I'm convinced he watches porn and masturbates in this time.

I'm fed up. I'm not ridiculously horny or something but I do like the closeness sex brings. We only moved in together last year and sex became rarer after that. Is that normal? Is this what a long term cohabitation relationship is like?

Then you work out where your tolerance ends. You WILL end up as his carer if he continues, do you want that?

i have been in a very similar situation and it wasn’t about the sex for me it was mainly because we didn’t have any intimacy at all in our marriage and sex was the only time we even touched each other. We’d go months without sex and We never hugged held hands or kissed. Hubby was refusing sex and was coming to bed once i was Already asleep. It was destroying me and i couldnt Work out what i was doing wrong. Eventually something unrelated happened in our relationship that was devastating for us and it turned out hubby had been suffering with depression for about a year and I didn’t even know. Maybe your partner is depressed, or as others have said, his diabetes is causing issues that make him feel embarrassed or inadequate. Do you have other forms of intimacy such as kissing and hugging? If you always had a healthy sex life and it has recently changed then try and dig a little deeper to find out what is bothering him.

High blood glucose levels will enivitably cause damage to small blood vessels. He really needs help with his Diabetes management, especially if he has retinopathy.

Leg ulcers
Infected ulcers
Gangrene
Toe amputation leading to foot then ultimately more and more of the leg removed

Loss of sensation in fingers hands and arms

Erectile issues

Eyes - total irreversible sight loss

I could go on

Hide the x box and jump on!

OP - think seriously if this is the sort of life you want for you in the long term.
Don’t mean just the sex. (Although that alone is enough for many people to feel unloved and insecure and unhappy in the long term)
What I mean is a man who can’t seem to deal with his health in a responsible adult manner. And one day - he’ll have to pay for it, as well as his family. He’ll be limited in what he’ll be able to do and would require care way before you expect to be providing it. And all because of irresponsible behaviour in his younger years.

Think about it.

If he won't listen or get medical help, what more can you possibly do?

I would tell him directly one more time that this is a deal breaker and that he has to go to his GP. If he will not do anything about it then you should part. This is the only option if you want a relationship where sex is regular and enjoyable for both.

Do not get trapped in a sexless marriage. It's misery.

Most things can be resolved if he is willing to talk. Nothing can be resolved if he won't. MY ex-DH only opened up a bit about his disinterest in sex after I filed for divorce. Bit late I'm afraid.

"He's had diabetes since he was 8 and didn't have a problem before, only in the last year or so.

He doesn't have a problem getting it up either, but he does have a problem keeping it up, usually it goes down before he 'finishes'"

How old is he? I assumed 20s/30s, but if he is then that's very young to already be having complications with his eyes etc from diabetes .

The fact he's had it since he was 8 and has only developed these problems in the last year shows that years of poor diabetes management is now starting to take it's toll, and it will get worse if he carries on as he is.

Erectile dysfunction isn't just difficulty getting it up in the first place, it also includes maintaining his erections too, so sounds like he does had ED. He needs to start getting his diabetes better controlled and ask help from his doctor about his erection issues...obviously easier said than done cos he sounds in denial about it all.

He doesn't see an issue, he says he's tired, not in the mood etc. He spends his free time playing xbox when he's at home. When I ask he tells me to use my toy hmm he gets home from work about an hour before me so I'm convinced he watches porn and masturbates in this time.
----

If this is the case then he is being unreasonable. Porn use can ruin a normal sex life. I agree with others who have said end it. It won't get better.

You could be writing about a close friend of mine and her DP.

Diabetes type 1
Head in sand approach
Initial enthusiasm about sex, now waned away to zero
Wasn't managing his glucose levels properly
Diet was shit
Kept "forgetting" about his medical appointments
Appeals to reason, logic or emotion all failed

This led to a period of about 3 years where he was having hypo seizures - at one point he was being hospitalised on an almost weekly basis.

The seizures have caused brain damage over the years and he has major problems now with short term memory loss, ability to comprehend things like instruction manuals, loss of agility (meaning he had to give up his much loved hobby.)

It got to the point where my friend gave an ultimatum. Either start taking care of himself, and properly, or she would walk away.

It took a long time (many years) to get his diabetes under control. They never resumed sex and instead after many years chose to open the marriage. She has sex with several other partners. He has the freedom to do so if he wanted, but doesn't.

In the interim before opening the marriage, she spent years thinking of herself as repulsive, ugly, fat, totally repugnant. She was quite astonished that when she did start to date she had men and women throwing themselves at her!

It works for them but I would have been out the door many years ago.

Honestly? I'd break up rather than put up with something this important to you and so apparently unimportant to him. It's a problem that won't get easier. The fact he feels threatened by the discussions suggest he doesn't care how much it upsets you.

Bit unfair eddie and Henbane - the truth is that the vast majority of women do most of the housework and childrearing as well as working outside the home and are genuinely knackered while men who knock off for a weekend of footie and beer with the lads don't understand why their wives who haven't had a break 24/7 for as long as they can remember aren't up for it. It's very very rarely the other way round.

All this put on sexy under wear and seduce him. Im sure if that was said to a man about a women it would be looked upon very differently. "If she doesn't want sex you have to accept it" would be the chorus I'm sure. Therefore I don't think that is the answer. If someone doesn't want sex I think it probably goes a tad deeper than red lacy knickers.
Could he be depressed I went totally off sex when my dexpression was at its peak. To be honest at the time I had no desire to hsve sex ever again. All good now, though.

i must add YANBU. It's not abnormal to want to feel desired.

I would encourage him to see a doctor, but if he won’t do anything about it and won’t discuss it then I would maybe consider you are just not compatible. I would give this same advice to a man or a woman.

I have been in this situation and I left in the end. No one should ever have sex they don’t want to have, but equally sex and intimacy is what distinguishes a relationship from friendship and ignoring that isn’t constructive either.

When you have a lower libido you just don’t want sex as much and you just don’t understand why the other person is banging on about it all the time and why they don’t just sort themselves out. But as a higher libido person, sex is one of the ways I bond and, health issues aside, I couldn’t shut the door on that part of myself without feeling very unhappy.

Sometimes two people just don’t work together and the reason might seem stupid to others, but it matters to you.

Swap? DP always wants to fuck, but I just don't most of the time. I do feel bad about it. Once every six weeks sounds fab to me!

Can you access his internet search history? Find out if he is looking at porn? I assume you're young and don't have children? If not a grown man playing on the Xbox every day is a red flag isn't it? If all fails I'd be inclined to change the internet password/service provider or whatever it takes to change his habits. Either that or look elsewhere!

A bloke comes on saying his wife/partner doesn't want sex. He's basically told to suck it up. A women comes on saying her DH doesn't want sex and he's accused of looking at porn or shagging someone else.
I can say this as female it certainly is more of a women's world as far as I'm.concerned.

And there's big problem with women wanking to porn, Awwlook? Or could there be an apparent distinction here that you're choosing to overlook?

@HenbaneRiver ditto!

i was in a sexless marraige - no health issues - just a passive aggressive resentment from him that i could not work around or with - and i tried for 12 years, almost killing myself in the process.

you owe it to yourself to go easier on him for a period of time in which he addresses the medical issues. If he does nothing then i think you have your answer.

Actions, not words, every time.

Diabetes burnout is very common and as a diabetic I can sympathise with anxiety around making a Dr appointment. Not all doctors are sympathetic or helpful or understand the condition. Sometimes you get one who makes you too anxious to even want to go to your scheduled appointments. I avoid my GP as they aren't very good with understanding the difference between type 1 and 2.
If you don't want to be with him, don't. He's likely depressed and struggling and you can't make him get help, only he can do that.

Wouldn't work for us. Our kids are 9-13 so are nights are our own we like the physical closeness and we are old enough to know it's the cement in a couple. 2nd marriage here for both of us.

Lots of people on here are projecting their own issues I suspect. Lots of couples have mismatched sex drives for loads of reasons. And it's a constant issue. And lots of SAHM are touched out by the time DP gets home.

We are of the view that it doesn't have to be amazing every time nor take ages but there is nothing like sex for keeping the bond going and smoothing of the rough edges of life.

sounds like youve tried everything reasonable. I think you either need to leave him or take a lover.