Access to my children

[4evaalways]

Hi I'm a mother of 5, my ex partner has stopped me from having contact with my three youngest children. This is destroying me and I honestly don't know what to do. Details below

In 2016 I had a mental breakdown which caused me to be unable to care for my children so instead of social services removing them from my care I placed my children in the care of their fathers. My eldest two with my ex husband and my youngest three with their dad my ex partner.

I was having regular contact with all my children but I was unable to have them overnight due to my living arrangements, but everyone knew and understood. Then in Feb of 2017 I started living with my new partner. Although my mental health was getting better I was now having other health problems which put me in hospital for nearly a month.
October 2017 I was diagnosed with a rare lung disease which is life limiting and also terminal.
Due to this condition I find it very difficult to not only look after myself but I also find the most easiest of tasks nearly impossible.

So down to my problem. Me ex partner (father to my three babies) has decided to stop me from seeing my children. He over the last few months has made some demands of which I cannot accommodate. Things were ok the beginning of this yeah when I was helping hi m and his new partner out with money, furniture etc, this wasn't just for my children it was for them too.

Just before Easter things started to get really bad, I was unable to help them as much financially and was having difficulty getting to my children (who he had moved 40 miles away from me the July before) and because they were now without a car they were demanding that my partner pick the children up and drop them off. My partner had no problems in doing this but it put a lot of strain on him as he works 6 day a week and around 12 hours a day.
I told my ex that we would have to sort something else out due to the strain it was not only putting on my ex but also on my health. My children are not the best behaved atm due to them being allowed to practically what they wanted for so long after moving in with their father.
That's when the demand for money started, I was informed that I should be paying maintenance for my children and therefore he wanted £40 off me. I have no problem whatsoever about helping my children with anything, but there was no way I was giving my ex partner money for my children when he wasn't intending to spend it on them.
It was also demanded that I have my children every other weekend from Friday until Sunday, which I would love to but purely and simply my health doesn't allow me to. After having my children for a few hours wears me out to the point I could actually sleep for a day trying to recover.
The arguments went back and forth over days via messages and telephone calls, my children (aged 7,6&4) were all in formed by their father that I wasn't seeing them until I did what he asked and my children were then on the phone to me questioning why I wasn't doing what their dad was asking. Now try telling 3 young children that I am poorly to the point of I'm dying is not something I want to do. So I explained it the best I could which then made me look to be the bad parent.
Eventually we came to an agreement that I would have my babies once a month from Friday until the Sunday, my ex would bring them to me and I would get them back. I also said I would buy my daughters gluten free food (of which they were not doing because 'they could not afford it')
Well this happened once at the beginning of May. My babies were then due to see me the weekend after the May bank holiday.
During one of my daily calls to my children my ex told me that the pair of shoes I had brought my daughter only two months before (because her father couldn't afford any) were broken. So I said well I'm sorry but you get their money so you can buy them.
I then received a message after tell me how out of order I was and that he has now decided I need to not only give him £40 a month and have my children every other weekend otherwise I was no lingering seeing them.
So here it goes again, he is doing it all over again. I'm on PIP because of my illness but nothing else as my partner works full time, I have tried explaining this to him but all he says is well you may not have to but should want to pay for your kids. Now as much as I would love to I just cannot afford it. My partner works but has to take time off when I really ill, such as the week before this all happened I was in hospital for a week and he had to have the week off work.
To my ex I'm being unreasonable because I wont give him the money he wants and I wont have my children.
I would love nothing more to be able to have my children more often. I would love not to be ill and have them back with me, but unfortunately we don't always get what we want.
My ex had previously told me that when I am towards the end he will not allow my children to see me, and if I want to see them I will have to make my way to them and take them out.
My children hear everything that goes on in their house, they know when me and their father are arguing and they know the ins and outs of whats going on because he or his new partner tells them, but they always make out that I'm the one who doesn't want to see them when that's not the case at all.#
My 6 year old daughter once said to me after I became too ill to have them overnight that 'I should be ashamed of myself' now you tell me what 6 year old would actually come out with that.
My ex doesn't work and has never been able to hold down a job for more than 6 month, his partner is on benefits so my children are now questioning me why my partner cant be here when I have them. Ive explained that its because he is working and they then ask well why is he working. They don't even know what it really means to see someone working because their dad has never really worked since they were born.
Not only does my ex receive Child Benefit and Child Tax Credits for my children, they also receive ESA full housing and council tax benefit and yet still cannot survive and provide everything they should for my children.
So in summery my ex partner has stopped me from seeing my children because I wont have them more than I'm capable of having them and because I wont give him an extra £40 ontop of the money I give him for the gluten free foods of which I'm paying for when I shouldn't have to.

I really need some help and advices as to what I can do. Both myself and my babies father have parental responsibility

Any advice will be gratefully received but please if you are going to criticise don't, I do enough of that to myself without having strangers doing it to
TIA x

This sounds like a really sad and messy situation, I agree with the posters who say you need to get proper advice and maybe try to have mediation of some sort with your ex.

I'm so sorry Op for all that you're going through.
I am also sorry that you've had some heartless scumbags on here spouting inaccurate and hateful shite.
Please ignore the posts that have been written by people thick as two short planks.
Mumsnet at its worst.
I've reported a few of the above comments as they are disgusting.
I Hope that you get some support to help you see your kids in the time you have left.
Another source of support is Winston's Wish which is a charity for bereaved children.they will either be able to help you or signpost you to people who can help you talk to your children about what is happening to you and so help them prepare. Child Bereavement UK is another excellent organisation and I'm sure there are others.
My DC's fathers both died so I have first hand knowledge of the support your children will inevitably need and as it doesn't seem like your DCs' father will manage this appropriately I would be reaching out myself.
I wish you all the best Op and hope that you are well for as long as possible.

What a horrid situation for you op, so heart breaking. I really hope you get the advice/help you need and get contact with your children.
Cannot believe some of the responses in here, absolutely disgusting!

can he stop you seeing them if you don't pay.i thought this was just against the law but the other parent couldn't just hold them to ransom because of it.thats the legal bit but only if she isn't fit can he stop them surely.
if a parent doesn't pay(I know not right) can they be stopped from being a parent.granted yes send them to jail,court,fine them or whatever but to stop parenting??

im so sorry your going through this op.what a terrible time.
id get on to someone with how to support your children through this.could this even be a conversation you need to have with your ex.not saying It will soften him but if he new the facts and you asked to work together with how to prepare the kids?...how long do you have.do you know.becasue I no this is about money in your post but this now is so much bigger and these lovly dcs will need so much support with coming to terms with this.it cant be ignore.you need to make a plan with wehther to tell them you no your dying or whethe it will be something your ex tells them in the event.but either way it needs discussing.for all your sakes.maybe the McMillan can help with this.im glad your getting help.maybe they have seen similar situations to what you've writeeen and could even advice or at least support you in this too.
get some help.talk to someone anyone about this.you need to see you kids.you need to see them before you go and even to help in the meantime.for a ll your sakes.
no one can cope with their dc being taken from them add a devastating illness...gosh im so sorry.big hugs.
don't give up.just get some support.

Actually I have just thought of something else.
Obviously I don't know where you live but in my area there is a team attached to Children's Services called Intensive Family Support. I self referred after my DS's father died suddenly and my son had a particularly rough time of it as well.as having additional needs which made everything worse.
Teams like this are set up purely to help children and families in terrible or challenging situations. There may well be help for transport costs or other costs involved in facilitating contact with your DC.
Try Children's Services at your local council. They should be able to refer you on somewhere at the very least.

You need some facts OP. There is so much crap being written on this thread is defies belief !

1. MrsBert is a family lawyer. What she posts is fact.
2. You are not required to pay maintenance (I have32 years in various incarnations of the DWP/CMS/BA) If you have posted accurate information that your sole income is PIP you will be Nil assessed.

1. Go on the 'turn2us' website and put in your household details. You may find something you can claim additionally. Look at 'grants/charities' as well as benefits. Your partner may also be able to make a universal credit claim if his wage is low or has to reduce hours to care for you.

1. As MrsBB has said already. Contact is not related to maintenance. Court WILL take a dim view. Complete a C100 pay your court fee. The only thing I would add is to complete a ex160 fee exemption you may find you don't have to pay OR you pay a reduced amount

1. Yes it's nice if you could pay something but in the exact same way a woman with the kids and an ex husband in the same situation would be told, "sorry - your ex is not ABLE to contribute. You have to just crack on without"

You really don't need this OP. Come over to legal. It's saner, and not a place that people use as sport to pray on the vulnerable. You will also get unemotional factual advice.

OP, I am sorry you are so ill.

Unfortunately I think you need RL legal advice and probably a court order to establish both support (none legally as you get PIP, apparently, and presumably he gets benefits to cover them?) and access.

He should not be using access as a way to extract money. No one should do that.

I have no idea how you pursue a court agreement without money

Glad to see MN speedily deleting vile posts from nobbynorthernbird and heebiejeepers.

Agreed Hoof. . You also sound like an incredibly strong person having been bereaved twice.

I am disgusted by some of the cuntish posts on this thread towards a woman and mother of young children who is terminally ill. FFS.. some of you need to learn to sit on your hands I think.

Hi. Im the OPs partner. I just wanted to clear a few things up. All this started when her childrens fathers partner fell pregnant. Before then we were seeing the children at least once a week and staying over with me doing all the driving back and forth. We would help out financially while we were there even buying beds for the kids as they were sleeping on mattresses on the floor. The childrens father will sit around all day only venturing out to go down the shop while his partner cooks cleans. She does have mental issues but is fully capable of day to day life. We are struggling financially but still tried to help out and have gone without paying bills in the past just so we could see the kids. My partner illness is and will get worse and the constant verbal abuse coming from her ex is soul destroying for her. I now have no transport to pick the kids up and we have been relying on help from friends but now her ex partner has stopped all acces because he wants more money from us. He recieves child tax credits and child benifit which has been used over the past couple of months to save for a car . We can baley afford to pay our own bills which he knows. My partner came on this site to ask for some advice as we have no idea what to do. We can not phyicaly or financially do what her ex is demanding. I already pay maintenance to my own 2 children. My partner is truly heartbroken and wants to see her children as much as she can in the time she has left. The childrens father has in the past used money we have given him to place bets so we agreed that we would take care of there dietary requirements so we knew they were being met. Every time we come to an agreement he will be ok for a few weeks then the abuse and demands start again. If we could we would give in to him and get in to even more debt that we are already in. The stress this has caused me and my partner over the past few month's has been unbearable. She was in hospital for 5 days a week ago and is still trying to recover yet he starts again a few day after she came out. Some of the comments on here have been very hurtfull but there have been supportive and helpful comments and i thank you for them

I can't believe some the unkind posts on this thread. People seem to be incapable of reading or understanding standard English.

Op wants to have her chilcren, but is physically UNABLE to. OP wants to contribute financially but is UNABLE to. All this on top of knowing that she has maybe 2 years left to live.

Anyone saying that they don't understand how she is too ill to have her own children has obviously been lucky enough to never have been that ill.

for you OP. I hope you find legal advice IRL to help you.

Hi wolves :)

It might be helpful for her if you have this thread here for the legal side, and a separate one in relationships for the ex partner side? The women who post there are very experienced at dealing with dodgy ex partners, many have left abusive relationships themselves...
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships

Sorry, misread where I was then!

[fowers] for you too OP's partner

What a horrible situation all round for you OP. I'm so sorry that people haven't been more supportive

I am sickened that people are so heartless- firstly your children’s father, then the idiots on here.

Lung disease isn’t well publicised nor are there great funding initiatives for dealing with it.

My dad has pulmonary fibrosis- similar to your disease OP but he’s not as bad as you. None the less, everyday life is exhausting if you have lung disease. Speaking is exhausting, getting dressed exhausting, never mind moving about. Eating and drinking is exhausting, never mind cooking dinner! The drugs people take to try and help have severe side effects eg my dad can’t go far from the loo. Maybe the trolls should do some research before telling OP to do things that she wants to, but can’t.

OP I really hope you get this sorted soon. CAB are helpful. That a father would rob his children of a chance to see their mother is horrendous. I hate my ex but if he was in your situation I’d move heaven and earth to make sure the kids saw him. Do you have any family that can collect the kids to come and see you?

Hi wolves
You sound like a very supportive partner. As others have said, you should post in legal for advice.

HeebieJeebies
If you object, you can report the posts yourself. It may be against the rules to tell someone to f off on this site. However, your posts were deleted because they were beyond acceptable. Coming on to tell someone to f off because you posted vile comments really doesn’t make you look good.

come on then MN HQ -why are you allowing bastard and luna to post 'fuck off' but you delete it when i respond identically to them?

is it a case of one rule for some and another for everyone else?

Coming on to tell someone to f off because you posted vile comments really doesn’t make you look good.*

i didn't post 'vile comments'......that's just typical over reaction and exaggeration from people who think no other opinion or viewpoint can be shared on a public thread.
As for 'coming back'.....i never 'left' - just made a post replying back to those two in an identical manner.

As usual it's double standards galore.....

Is anyone actually reading the OP? Fucking hell.

Agreed.

There are some utterly heartless posts on this thread.

Someone who is on PIP and with a terminal illness wants a reasonable arrangement to see her children. She’s been open about her limitations- maybe some compassion is in order?

I know of a situation close to yours. 3 children with the dad. Dad has moved to be with his partner. Doesn't work. No car etc. None of that matters. Where or how he spends the money you give. They're behaviour could be any of our children. Your children do not live with you and therefore there is the usual struggles with your relationship.

Legal advice for the money and visitation rights. I hope you get access. For your children's sake and yours.

Are you well enough to travel to them, if you can only see them for a few hours st a time that’s really the only option. They are only 40 miles away so less than an hour so perfectly reasonable to get there and back in a day. Looking after 3 kids is going to be very time consuming and tiring for him. I think as he’s footing the bill for everything it’s probsbl not unsurprising he doesn’t want to up the costs.