Access to my children

[4evaalways]

Hi I'm a mother of 5, my ex partner has stopped me from having contact with my three youngest children. This is destroying me and I honestly don't know what to do. Details below

In 2016 I had a mental breakdown which caused me to be unable to care for my children so instead of social services removing them from my care I placed my children in the care of their fathers. My eldest two with my ex husband and my youngest three with their dad my ex partner.

I was having regular contact with all my children but I was unable to have them overnight due to my living arrangements, but everyone knew and understood. Then in Feb of 2017 I started living with my new partner. Although my mental health was getting better I was now having other health problems which put me in hospital for nearly a month.
October 2017 I was diagnosed with a rare lung disease which is life limiting and also terminal.
Due to this condition I find it very difficult to not only look after myself but I also find the most easiest of tasks nearly impossible.

So down to my problem. Me ex partner (father to my three babies) has decided to stop me from seeing my children. He over the last few months has made some demands of which I cannot accommodate. Things were ok the beginning of this yeah when I was helping hi m and his new partner out with money, furniture etc, this wasn't just for my children it was for them too.

Just before Easter things started to get really bad, I was unable to help them as much financially and was having difficulty getting to my children (who he had moved 40 miles away from me the July before) and because they were now without a car they were demanding that my partner pick the children up and drop them off. My partner had no problems in doing this but it put a lot of strain on him as he works 6 day a week and around 12 hours a day.
I told my ex that we would have to sort something else out due to the strain it was not only putting on my ex but also on my health. My children are not the best behaved atm due to them being allowed to practically what they wanted for so long after moving in with their father.
That's when the demand for money started, I was informed that I should be paying maintenance for my children and therefore he wanted £40 off me. I have no problem whatsoever about helping my children with anything, but there was no way I was giving my ex partner money for my children when he wasn't intending to spend it on them.
It was also demanded that I have my children every other weekend from Friday until Sunday, which I would love to but purely and simply my health doesn't allow me to. After having my children for a few hours wears me out to the point I could actually sleep for a day trying to recover.
The arguments went back and forth over days via messages and telephone calls, my children (aged 7,6&4) were all in formed by their father that I wasn't seeing them until I did what he asked and my children were then on the phone to me questioning why I wasn't doing what their dad was asking. Now try telling 3 young children that I am poorly to the point of I'm dying is not something I want to do. So I explained it the best I could which then made me look to be the bad parent.
Eventually we came to an agreement that I would have my babies once a month from Friday until the Sunday, my ex would bring them to me and I would get them back. I also said I would buy my daughters gluten free food (of which they were not doing because 'they could not afford it')
Well this happened once at the beginning of May. My babies were then due to see me the weekend after the May bank holiday.
During one of my daily calls to my children my ex told me that the pair of shoes I had brought my daughter only two months before (because her father couldn't afford any) were broken. So I said well I'm sorry but you get their money so you can buy them.
I then received a message after tell me how out of order I was and that he has now decided I need to not only give him £40 a month and have my children every other weekend otherwise I was no lingering seeing them.
So here it goes again, he is doing it all over again. I'm on PIP because of my illness but nothing else as my partner works full time, I have tried explaining this to him but all he says is well you may not have to but should want to pay for your kids. Now as much as I would love to I just cannot afford it. My partner works but has to take time off when I really ill, such as the week before this all happened I was in hospital for a week and he had to have the week off work.
To my ex I'm being unreasonable because I wont give him the money he wants and I wont have my children.
I would love nothing more to be able to have my children more often. I would love not to be ill and have them back with me, but unfortunately we don't always get what we want.
My ex had previously told me that when I am towards the end he will not allow my children to see me, and if I want to see them I will have to make my way to them and take them out.
My children hear everything that goes on in their house, they know when me and their father are arguing and they know the ins and outs of whats going on because he or his new partner tells them, but they always make out that I'm the one who doesn't want to see them when that's not the case at all.#
My 6 year old daughter once said to me after I became too ill to have them overnight that 'I should be ashamed of myself' now you tell me what 6 year old would actually come out with that.
My ex doesn't work and has never been able to hold down a job for more than 6 month, his partner is on benefits so my children are now questioning me why my partner cant be here when I have them. Ive explained that its because he is working and they then ask well why is he working. They don't even know what it really means to see someone working because their dad has never really worked since they were born.
Not only does my ex receive Child Benefit and Child Tax Credits for my children, they also receive ESA full housing and council tax benefit and yet still cannot survive and provide everything they should for my children.
So in summery my ex partner has stopped me from seeing my children because I wont have them more than I'm capable of having them and because I wont give him an extra £40 ontop of the money I give him for the gluten free foods of which I'm paying for when I shouldn't have to.

I really need some help and advices as to what I can do. Both myself and my babies father have parental responsibility

Any advice will be gratefully received but please if you are going to criticise don't, I do enough of that to myself without having strangers doing it to
TIA x

MRAs who can't see their kids. Nothing better to do on a Saturday.

OP, you've had the correct advice from MrsBert. Please do start another thread as suggested, somewhere quieter where actual MMetters can support you.

There are some truly horrible fuckers on this thread. Goady questions and accusations and a total lack of compassion for a woman who has a terminal illness, ffs.

Mumsnet at its absolute worst. Shocking. Either some of you lack basic comprehension skills or you enjoy kicking someone when they are down. Or both.

I'm trying hard to control my language here.

OP, please listen to MrsBertBibby she is a solicitor and gives good advice. I am sorry you are going through this in real life and then when you come on here you are met with a bunch of nasty posters. My best wishes to you.

Isn't there a benefit you can get if you are terminal? Can't remember h name, but remember helping a service user fill the form in. Anyone jog my memory?

You say he is not a single parent but he is also caring for his mentally ill partner on top of three kids, it's unfair to withdraw contact obviously but he is also clearly in a very hard situation. £40 would barely cover him taking the kids to see you tbh.

Right thank you to everyone that has offered advice. To those that have judge me well that’s your opinion and god forbid anything like what I’m going through happens to you. I am now going to stop this thread because it’s getting out of hand. This is supposed to be here to help people and not a way for people to insult other no matter their situation

Good luck OP.

Do try a different folder though.

4eva you need to go court and seek professional help

There isn't a special benefit if you are terminal (just a special way of applying quickly DS1500). OP already gets PIP so presumably she's on the appropriate level.

As far as I can tell the contact wasn't withdrawn by her ex anyway. Her partner decided that driving 80 miles a month was too hard on him and the ex said that in order for him to facilitate the travel he would need £40 a month (which is likely to be the approximate cost). If anyone is being unreasonable it would appear to be OPs current partner who doesn't want to help the OP see her children either by providing transport or allowing part of his wages to be used to allow the ex to transport the children.
While contact and maintenance should be 2 separate issues I have no problem with the amount of maintenance changing by the cost of transport if the cost of transporting the children switches from one party to the other and while OP technically doesn't have to pay maintenance it is likely that the court would rule that it was her responsibility to fetch and drop off the children before and after contact.

OP given your diagnosis I am surprised you are not on ESA. If you are in the Support Group ( which I assume you would be) you can stay on Contributory ESA beyond the usual 1 year.

"What I said in the beginning and I have said it since is that he just wants more and more and every time I don’t give him what he wants. He stops me from seeing my children."

It does sound as if you will probably have to get a court order, thus setting your contact with the children in stone. Hopefully that will go some way towards preventing your ex-partner from breaking (the then court ordered) contact arrangements.

However, I gather from your posts, that the problems will then arise on those occasions when, due to ill health, you have to break court ordered contact arrangements.

To try to ensure that didn't happen, I wonder if it would be helpful if you ... instead of paying any (voluntary) maintenance to your ex-partner ... used the money you currently give voluntarily to pay for a bit of help in the house on the two weekends the children are with you. Would having someone doing a bit of tidying and cleaning for an hour or two per day on those weekends, make having the children more do-able for you?

Just a thought.

The situation sounds awful for all of you. Of course there are limits to what you can do, given that you are terminally ill.

On the other hand, your ex is caring for 3 young children and a partner with a mental illness, all on limited resources- it isn't going to be a bed of roses for him either. Regardless of how lazy he was when he was with you, it isn't fair to berate him for not working now. Given the age of the children and the time he's been out of work, it's unlikely that he'd be able to find work which covers everything he'd lose in childcare costs and lost benefits. He probably can't afford to take the risk of getting laid off, or only being able to take a job with a zero hours contract- when you have children, that sort of work is too precarious, because you can't survive when there's no work and benefits get paid several weeks later.

Are the children pupil premium/ on free school meals? Even if they get free school meals due to being infants, your EX should talk to the school about applying for FSM/ PP for the children, if he hasn't already. This would mean that the school can then access funding which can be used to support school trips, extra curricular activities, learning needs etc. If the school has its own kitchen and cook, they should be able to provide a gluten free school lunch for your children as well, which may relieve some of the pressure in terms of food costs.

You need to pay maintenance. 100% agree on that, £40 a month is not enough for 1 kid let alone 3. You need to figure out how to regularly see your kids as it could be affecting them you not being there for them all the time. Consider moving closer or traveling to see them once a week.

You can only get ESA if you either have worked in the last two years and paid above the threshold of tax (contribution based) or have little household income (income based). It's not something you get just for being ill/disabled, you have to be eligible.

OPs OH's income will be counted if they live together for an ESA claim, but then I'm not sure whether it does count for CM. I don't think so, but not positive.

(As OP had a breakdown in 2016 and has been ill since, I doubt she's paid enough NI to get contributions based ESA)

I am very sorry that you are so poorly and that you have had a difficult time.
I would really like to hear your ex's side of the story though.

He probably thinks you can't be bothered to put your kids first, find some money to help them out and to see them regularly so their routine is not disrupted and they are not left confused.

I am not saying he would be right but I can imagine him telling the story from that angle.

The others are right. You need proper legal advice.

No the arrangement was not for me to give him money for transport and we had agreed that since he moved my children 40 miles away that he would bring them to me and I would get them back. My partner is doing all he can but he also has his own children to think about and pay maintenance towards. We don't have a car either so either way my children would be travelling on public transport. Now I physically cannot make a journey of 40 miles on bus/train due to being able to only walk a matter of metres before becoming seriously out of breath due to my illness. My partner also works 6 days a week at nearly 12 hours a day. So please do tell me again how unfair my partner is being. My ex and his partner had a car of which was going to fail the MOT so my partner offered to help get it through. They decided not to accept his offer and to have the car put off the road. My ex is refusing me contact with my children unless his demands are met and I cannot meet them so I'm no longer allowed to see them. He is only allowing me telephone contact because I wont stop calling until I speak to them.

Can your partner not give the £10 a week? Can your parents watch your kids? Seeing your kids for any time is better than not so they will have memories.

So so sorry to hear about your health and your ex is an ass but you may just need to play his game

Yes, please get legal advice.

Your ex is being extremely unfair but what is fair and who is wrong or right doesn't really make any difference at the moment. You just need to see your dcs as a priority above everything else.

What a dreadful situation. My advice would be to make an application for a child arrangements order
This

You need expert 3rd party help, like a solicitor. At least go to CAB and ask for their help.

Nave you thought about skyping or facetiming with your children. Might be a better way for you to have regular contact.

I have a condition called IPH or Alveolar Haemorrhage similar to IPF or Pulmonary Fibrosis. My conditions is basically my lung will with blood due to the little vessels at the bottom of mu lungs burst and bleed. It has caused scar tissue to set in which leaves that part of my lung useless. I have around 40% lung capacity atm. When I had a major bleed last July I had 59% capacity. So in less than a year and on regular medication I have diteriated quite quickly. As my condition is so rare for someone of my age (normally rare in children) they have said 3-5 years at the most but with the rate of diteriation I'm looking at 12-24 month (sorry for the spelling)

Op you are quite likely to get a reduced court fee or remission it’s worth looking it up