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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be disappointed in my wedding?

113 replies

MartagonLilies · 26/05/2018 09:00

It was a few years ago now. It took me about 5months to even look at the photos.
My dress wasn't one that really suited me (although totally grateful for it, it was given to me)
We were forgotten about for an hour (left at church, waiting for our ride to come back for us to take us to reception)
There are a lot more things. Basically the whole event was a disaster.
I feel disappointed and I don't know why it's still bothering me so much, 5 years on.
I want to go back and do it again, our way. I wish I'd had it in a completely different, more chilled out way. I should have had a simple ceremony, in a registry office, wearing a dress of my choosing(probably a non wedding one) and then all disappeared to a lovely local restaurant.
We didn't even have a honeymoon Sad

I know I can't do anything about it which is maybe making it worse?! I know this is a completely self indulgent 1st world problem.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 26/05/2018 17:17

It’s a shame but we can’t change the past.

Look at it this way, how many pehave a ‘fabulous ‘ wedding followed by a crap marriage? Having a lovely marriage is the real prize.

Yes, have a honeymoon if you can but every day happily married is the true success of your wedding.

specialsubject · 26/05/2018 17:19

not sure why an adult needs a parent to buy clothes with her. not everyone finds clothes shopping fun, especially not all day farting about between one ridiculous dress and another.

gamerchick · 26/05/2018 17:20

OP I feel exactly the same, except I still can't look at the photos and I've been married nearly 8 years.

Straight afterwards I said I wanted to have another wedding the way we wanted it in the first place so we're renewing our vows on our tenth anniversary. I don't care if people think one of us has cheated Grin simple ceremony, small buffet and out for a curry maybe on the evening.

Maybe there's something along those lines for you.

IrmaFayLear · 26/05/2018 17:27

Everyone appreciates a bit of advice, specialsubject. And it’s not buying a pair of jeans. It’s a (hopefully) once in a lifetime purchase and an expensive one at that. And your mother is your mother, who you hope might be interested in you.

Babdoc · 26/05/2018 17:32

I do sympathise, but I think weddings have got completely out of proportion. The pressure to have a perfect day, the horrendous expense, the way the photo shoot takes over the whole proceeding, the competitive nature of the reception, dress, cake etc, couples arguing about colour schemes for table decorations - it’s utterly nauseating!
My DH and spent £13.50 on our wedding (the cost of the licence). It was us, 2 witnesses and a registrar.
I went back to work the next day. No dress, flowers, guests, cake, reception or honeymoon.
But the 16 years we had together until his untimely death were the happiest of my life. I can only echo the PPs on this thread - if your marriage is happy and successful, who gives a shit what the wedding was like?

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 26/05/2018 17:34

Could you not just elope to Vegas and do it all over again but in a wild kind of way, or something else that's just about the two of you?

Our wedding began to take on a life of it's own when MIL got hold of the guest list and realised X's cousin's Mum's neighbour wasn't invited despite having done Y's hair for seventeen years and being ever so shirty with her last time she wasn't invited to a wedding. It's bollocks.

I know it's easy to be glib and say "it's just one day, your marriage is what's important" but if you're still upset, I'd vote going for a do-over exactly how you'd have wanted it. Invite only people you love (and I mean really love, not have-to-love-because-family) and make some perfect memories.

dingdongdigeridoo · 26/05/2018 17:56

How about booking a second honeymoon somewhere beachy and having a vow renewal? Some friends of mine had a tiny wedding in Cyprus that looked lovely. That way you can treat yourself to a nice outfit, have a ceremony with just the two of you, then go for a romantic meal. You’ll also have a week away as part of the bargain! Lots of resorts do weddings now.

yikesanotherbooboo · 26/05/2018 18:00

OP, you are married to your husband , that is the only important thing. The wedding is just one day and is a celebration for your family and friends. A few things will always not go to plan in events like that (eg weather)but it doesn't matter at all. Look forward , if you want a big do to enjoy planning , have one .

HerRoyalNotness · 26/05/2018 18:06

DHs ex and her new H did an anniversary party for friends and family on their 10th. They didn’t have a wedding as such so made up for it that way. I think that’s a nice way to do it. They dressed up, had table settings, nice meal, cake and dancing.

Confusedbeetle · 26/05/2018 18:07

Just draw a line. If the marriage is good the day id history. There is no point trying to recreate. Spend the money on a romantic holiday

Sosogoodagain · 26/05/2018 18:30

my wedding was gorgeous. gloarious bank holiday weekend. elegant venue, lots of family and friends and loved ones.

that was as good as it got. downhill all the way after.

If you are happy together that is hugely hugely important and worth countless wedding days imo

HopeClearwater · 26/05/2018 23:27

Babdoc nails it.
Flowers for you

AnotherShirtRuined · 27/05/2018 00:07

Could you possibly do a destination honeymoon/second wedding just for the two of you? Somewhere on a beach if that's your thing, or something else completely?

My wedding was very low cost and low key, not overly planned but lovely. However, it was not my 'dream wedding' - which is being married by an Elvis impersonator at a Las Vegas wedding chapel Grin I hope to be able to do that at some point if funds ever allow. Until then I enjoy married life which eight years on is still lovely Smile

Mydogmylife · 27/05/2018 00:22

Please- if you want to reaffirm your vows in the way you and your DH would like please just go for it ! We had a fabulous vow renewal on our 35 wedding anniversary, we went abroad with some of our best friends, had a great weeks holiday, and none of our friends thought for one minute that it was because of cheating - if acquaintances wanted to think that , well not true friends of ours and not worth worrying about . Our 'first ' wedding was lovely, but because of religious differences was perhaps not the celebration we would have liked. ( not that we were bothered but back then it was more difficult for different religions to marry in something other than a civil ceremony)

Glovesick · 27/05/2018 00:29

I would swap a successful marriage for an amazing wedding any day. If the marriage is crap, it makes no difference if the wedding was crap also because once the marriage has broken down, you want to wipe the wedding day from your memory anyway.

If anything, you (hopefully) have some control over how your marriage is working out. You can't change your wedding day. You need to move on.

Original poster
MartagonLilies · 27/05/2018 08:16

Woke up to so many posts! Seems it's quite usual to have a wedding that's not at all what you wanted quite as you'd hoped.

We'll do a honeymoon, a budget one, just hopefully lovely all the sameSmile
I'm definitely going to have a big party for our 10th now though -so far away! ShockGrin

OP posts:
Original poster
MartagonLilies · 27/05/2018 08:17

Also, yes I agree that it's definitely better if the marriage is a good one.

OP posts:
ferntwist · 27/05/2018 08:21

OP my heart goes out to you. I felt like this too, as so many things seemed to go wrong. When I think of it now I focus on how wonderful everyone felt, how happy my parents were, how in love my husband and I were, rather than all the practical details and the way things looked. I know it’s not easy.
I hope you can have a wonderful honeymoon now! Nothing wrong with having it a few years later.

MismatchedStripySocks · 27/05/2018 09:05

My wedding to my second DH was fab but 1st time round I felt exactly like you OP. Two of ex-husband’s cousins that I had never met got drunk and got into a fight. To make matters worse, even though I begged him not to, my ex waded in and punched one of them in the face Blush The police were called and it was only because of my friend telling a bit of a porkie that my ex didn’t get arrested. I was sobbing and the party ended soon after. I could barely talk about the wedding let alone look at pictures for a long time.

mydogisthebest · 27/05/2018 09:15

I do think that it is more important that you have a happy marriage but if you really feel you want to do something then go for it.

If you want to renew your vows then do. I think it is a lovely thing to do and me and DH are thinking of maybe renewing ours on our 40th anniversary. It wouldn't cross my mind to think a couple were doing it because one cheated. That is a nasty way to think. If any of your friends or family are that nasty just let them get on with it.

KingscoteStaff · 27/05/2018 09:46

Start planning the 5th Wedding anniversary party now!

Just as you want it - dress that suits you, restaurant you love, speeches (or not), taxi booked by you! It will be a wonderful evening - looking back on the happy things that you have done together over the last 5 years and looking forward to the next.

Then plan the holiday. Long weekend? Week away? I've missed if you have DC - could they come? could they stay with GP?

You deserve a chance for a celebration that you can remember with happiness.

OVienna · 27/05/2018 14:33

*@IrmaFayLear * Really pants, sorry Flowers. I agree totally with your second post.

Yes, the marriage is the most important thing, blah blah blah. Of course it is, obviously. OP's not a dimwit.

To be honest this is one of those situations where it's hard to get over your feelings when everyone keeps telling you to grow up and get over them essentially.

The thing about weddings being disappointing is that even when you feel they've been crap in a majority of cases you're out of pocket to the tune of several thousands. So, you've paid through the nose for a disappointing experience. That takes some time to recover from!! There are things that happened at ours I can laugh about now but upset me at the time. It just takes time and not having people go: Get over it, get over it.

When it's relatives who have been disappointing/ horrible it's even worse because to be honest it does seem to highlight things that are wrong in those relationships overall. So it's not just about the bride having Pinterest fantasies.

Anyway - OP I would definitely do something extra special for you and your DH. Party, holiday, vow renewal - whatever you fancy. Sod what others think!

KaliforniaDreamz · 27/05/2018 16:53

Mine was wonderful, nothing went wrong, BUT i was an anxious mess all day and never really got into it. That feeling haunts me. It's very weird as i am not particularly shy. And i'm very happily married!
I actually try not to think about it too much. Excpt for the parts where i relaxed (the service was religious and i found it very comforting).

GladAllOver · 27/05/2018 17:08

I've known people who have had elaborate weddings with everything done just as they wanted it - and ended up in divorce.

The wedding day is just the first day of your marriage.
A happy marriage is far more important than a fancy wedding.

theDudesmummy · 27/05/2018 20:29

I agree there is too much emphasis on "the day" and not enough on the actual marriage.

My first wedding was a fairy-tale one, perfect dress made for me to my design, lovely church with bell-ringers, violinist, perfect summer day with reception on my parents' lawn, jazz band playing into the night. The marriage was a long drawn-out disaster that should never have happened and that wasted years of my life.

My second wedding was an attempt by DH to give me a lovely day but I had just got off a 12-hour flight from a faraway country where I had miscarried twins the previous day, I was sad as hell (not about the marriage but about the miscarriage), drank too much and don't remember most of the evening. I felt fat and horrible in my dress (the idea had been that I would not mind that I was bigger than usual because I would be announcing that I was pregnant). Some relatives of DH were there who he fell out with spectacularly a year later, to the point their names cannot be mentioned, and they are in all the photos, so we can't really look at them. So, the wedding was really not great. The marriage is great.