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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be disappointed in my wedding?

113 replies

MartagonLilies · 26/05/2018 09:00

It was a few years ago now. It took me about 5months to even look at the photos.
My dress wasn't one that really suited me (although totally grateful for it, it was given to me)
We were forgotten about for an hour (left at church, waiting for our ride to come back for us to take us to reception)
There are a lot more things. Basically the whole event was a disaster.
I feel disappointed and I don't know why it's still bothering me so much, 5 years on.
I want to go back and do it again, our way. I wish I'd had it in a completely different, more chilled out way. I should have had a simple ceremony, in a registry office, wearing a dress of my choosing(probably a non wedding one) and then all disappeared to a lovely local restaurant.
We didn't even have a honeymoon Sad

I know I can't do anything about it which is maybe making it worse?! I know this is a completely self indulgent 1st world problem.

OP posts:
disappearingninepatch · 26/05/2018 09:33

I wouldn't do the vow renewal thing, unless you've got plenty of money. I could just think of thousands of other things I'd rather spend money on.

Never too late for a honeymoon, though.

LagunaBubbles · 26/05/2018 09:35

Also, won't people predict affair? I've seen a few threads suggesting so

If you want to renew your vows and plan a better day do it. Who cares what other people think.

Raven88 · 26/05/2018 09:37

My wedding wasn't my choice and I only did the whole wedding thing for my DH and his family. I wanted to elope to Cyprus. I did it for the end result of being married to my DH. I did enjoy the day and I loved my dress. I had to get over it.

SexyManatee · 26/05/2018 09:39

How old are you both? A lovely, joint birthday party perhaps?

turkeyboots · 26/05/2018 09:43

I'm another one with bad memories of my wedding day. Our parents were all so badly behaved.

I eye up beach weddings abroad and weddings in Las Vegas every now and again. Tempted to just go on holiday, get married again somewhere not legally binding, and do it the way we should have done it. Might do it for our 20th Anniversary!

NobodysChild · 26/05/2018 09:48

If everyone had the perfect wedding, there would be no stories to tell. Only of sugar coated fairy tales. Renewing your vows, shows that you are both still dedicated to one another and just re-affirming your love and devotion. I'd definitely renew your vows. Have a small gathering somewhere special, with a select few guests and have a great day.

LillianGish · 26/05/2018 09:53

In real terms your wedding day is the least important part of your marriage - it’s just a day. What matters is that you are still happy to be married to your husband and are still looking for ways to plan a honeymoon. Better that way round than a picture perfect wedding you live to regret. In your shoes I would start saving for a dream honeymoon which you can go on at your convenience where you can celebrate together what your marriage is really about. Much more romantic, intimate and meaningful than a showy renewal of vows.

PorkFlute · 26/05/2018 09:56

I think it’s focusing on hiccups on the day rather than the fact you married the person you will spend the rest of your life with that is the issue. That is the important thing about a wedding. Without that it’s just a run of the mill party.
Many things didn’t go to plan on my day as I’m sure happens to lots of people as it’s an event were you are relying on a lot of other people and lots of things to go smoothly.
My dress was awful, the dj had to leave early and took all his music with him, a baby cried throughout the ceremony. C’est la vie! No matter how long you plan and rehearse things go wrong. You are married and that’s all that matters. Focusing on the bad will just make you feel bad and won’t change what is in the past.

BeyondThePage · 26/05/2018 10:05

I'd rather have my decent marriage to a good man than a perfect wedding any day.

The wedding was for our families - and did not run to how it was planned - Grandma had a fall and gashed her knee and bled on my dress - actually DURING the ceremony (because I ran to her to help and didn't give a crap about getting mucky), Aunty had an allergic reaction to walnuts in a Waldorf salad at the reception buffet, the garden for the photos ended up flooded with sewerage - oh - it rained a bit... well, a lot really... hey ho- it was a single day out of 35 years, gave us a lot to laugh about looking back.

the marriage is for us.

Winebottle · 26/05/2018 10:17

I did not enjoy my wedding at all. I would have much rather done the vows and that be it but I did the rest for others.

The vows and the marriage are the important bit. The rest doesn't matter. You can go to a nice local restaurant, wearing a nice dress any time. It been on the same day as you get married does not enhance the experience that much.

It all comes from social expectations and the feeling you will never get that chance again but you haven't missed out on anything. You have got married and you can still do all the other stuff and enjoy those experiences.

I especially don't get this attitude towards honeymoons. Why does declaring a holiday 6 months after your wedding to be your honeymoon make it any more special than any other holiday, other than, perhaps, a free bunch of flowers from the hotel? You can do exactly the same things and enjoy a special holiday just as much any time.

Tara336 · 26/05/2018 10:24

Mine was a disaster too and 26 years later I still cringe about it. Hated my dress but was talked into it by my mum, it was too ott and looked stupid for the venue, be DH was late so I was stood around looking silly, cake was wonky, SIL had a tantrum and spoilt reception it was just crap all round.

borlottibeans · 26/05/2018 10:25

Have the honeymoon now!

Then maybe at some point throw yourselves a big anniversary party, wear a lovely non-wedding dress, invite the people you want to invite not the people you ought to, and probably drive yourselves there.

MountainHedgehog · 26/05/2018 10:31

Definitely renew your vows! If you wanted a small registry office thing then you and DH and maybe a few friends go do that, anywhere you want with a celebrant as not legally binding so don’t need a licence. wear what you want and go on honeymoon!

We’re renewing our vows this year me and DH abroad, no one else. People know it’s due to surviving medical stuff, no one would think it was affair, there isn’t the time!

daisychain01 · 26/05/2018 10:50

The rest of your married life is the most important thing OP.

If there is disappointment about your marriage and relationship with your DH that's more of concern. If all is well in your life now, I would try to focus on that not 1 day in the past that is done and dusted.

A lot of people have the perfect wedding day, all the whistles and bells but a car crash of a relationship.

I know which I'd prefer....

ScrubTheDecks · 26/05/2018 11:04

Have a honeymoon.

You don’t need to ‘Renew your vows’ if they are still holding good!

Learn to be assertive to your family so they don’t leave you feeling disempowered and disappointed.

Original poster
MartagonLilies · 26/05/2018 12:54

I know, you're all right! I need to focus on the marriage, not the wedding!
It's was an utterly disappointing day though!

I will take a look at booking a honeymoon. Also find out when it's 'acceptable' to throw an engagement party have a feeling that 5years isn't a big one I don't want to wait until our 25th!

OP posts:
Original poster
MartagonLilies · 26/05/2018 12:55

Not an engagement partyConfused An anniversary party

OP posts:
altiara · 26/05/2018 13:29

If you coordinate the party with the honeymoon, then 5 years is a perfectly ‘big’ anniversary as it’s clearly celebration time! Have fun!!

Whatshallidonowpeople · 26/05/2018 13:33

This reply has been deleted

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KlutzyDraconequus · 26/05/2018 13:38

my wedding was perfect. not a thing went wrong. then went on a honeymoon that was epicly amazing.

marriage lasted 6 months.

I'd try to look back and smile at the mishaps and focus on having a strong marriage.

Leopoldstotch · 26/05/2018 13:55

Oh fuck off @whatshallidonowpeople
The OP is entitled to feel sad about things

Mississippilessly · 26/05/2018 13:58

I have no advice but I feel the same. Mine was 9 years ago and I didn't enjoy it at all, it was nothing like I had hoped it would be.
I love DH and am very grateful that we have a good marriage - but I would have liked a nice wedding too, and I think that's ok.

SammyL100 · 26/05/2018 13:58

It's been cathartic reading this!

I was convinced I would be organised and diligent in my wedding preparations so nothing would go wrong. I would go to the best reviewed shops/venues/entertainers and do my research. Boy, was I naive!

The lead up to my wedding day was disastrous. The dress was badly fitted and the wedding dresd shop refused to alter (even though I had paid for unlimited alterations) and their seamstress left me with a long bloody gash on my arm after sticking a pin in my arm! It was so bad that me and my DH had to take time off work to take my dress to a specialist tailor to alter 24 hrs before the wedding.

On the day itself it rained and as we had the service outside, my dress got muddy and looked filthy after the ceremony. The hairdresser rushed my hair making it look like a rat's tail. The DJ played his own playlist after telling us he would abide by our playlist. The food was different to what we had taste tested too and tasted bad.

I have trouble looking at my wedding photos especially my scraggly locks but the strange thing is everyone I spoke to said it was a brilliant day, even years later.

So I think the drive for perfection is what does us in and I have learnt its never as bad as you think!

CocoAndTheChocolates · 26/05/2018 14:08

When you can, go on honeymoon and renew your vows with the dress and nice photos.

Lots of people delay their honeymoon these days

viques · 26/05/2018 14:13

I wonder how much of the OPs post was prompted by the wedding last week, where everything was timed to the last second (apart from the wonderful Bishop Curry) and every hair and petal was placed exactly?

BUT there was a bride with only her mother to support her,whose family dirty linen was not only washed in public but redirtied and washed again, who had to ask her father in law to escort her down the aisle, whose dress and hair has been critiqued to the nth degree, who had to have people at her wedding who she might not have asked (though ok maybe everyone has a racist nazi aunty in the cupboard who deliberately insults you and demeans you in public) .

I imagine she had to fight her corner tooth and nail for every little thing she wanted , from a gospel choir to all child attendants. Yes, it was all in all a beautiful wedding, but I bet she has her own regrets as well.