Inheritance (or lack of). I know. Risky.

[brokeandsad]

I've name changed for this as potentially outing and, well, a bit vulgar.

I know being hacked off at a lack of inheritance or parental help is generally frowned upon and broadly I agree. I'm wondering if it's ever right to feel like there has been an injustice in these matters and, more importantly, if there's anything one can do about it.

This concerns DHs family rather than mine. Which makes it feel extra awkward.

MIL was given a house at a very young age by her parents. It was a wreck and over time she's worked hard to make it amazing. Credit to her. Her house in now worth upwards of 500k. She has a very small mortgage that they used to extend/renovate. Neither she or her partner of 20 years work. They're not yet state retirement age (one is a long way off).

MIL is set to inherit an awful lot from the house sale of two older relatives, both in their late 90s.

One of these relatives has extensively talked to DH about how, when he dies, his money will help us with the deposit for our first house. He's very keen that we buy because he thinks renting is insecure and a waste of money. All his money + house sale will be left to MIL and he fully expects her to use it to help herself and help out her three children, all of them in their 30s and only one of them a home owner already.

MIL has told us in no uncertain terms that any money she inherits will be used to pay off her mortgage and the rest invested to cover any future care costs for her. DH has been told that he will have to wait "his turn" like she did.

I'm a bit bummed at again being faced with the reality that we probably won't ever be able to afford our own house, mostly because we have children and renting brings it's complications re schools etc.

Mostly I feel really uncomfortable that elderly relative and MIL seem to have very different ideas on what any inheritance will be used for. I can only think that she has lied to him, or at least been economical with the truth. I feel really awkward whenever either of them talk about money as it all seems so disingenuous and sad.

DH is similarly frustrated by our own financial circumstances (which, incidentally, we are both working very hard to turn around) but actually quite upset that his elderly relative has wishes that he thinks will be honoured but won't, and his mother is lying to everyone.

Am I BU for being frustrated by the awkwardness of it all, sad about DPs relationship with his family and cross that an old person is possibly being a bit deceived? Am I being incredibly selfish? What can we do to make the whole situation ok (it being OK isn't dependant on us getting any money, but people being honest with us and each other).

I'm awaiting a bit of a bashing but want genuine opinions please.

The ER needs to change their will if they want to leave some money to your DH.

OK OP you lost my sympathy with that last post. I'm 45, not a baby boomer and own my home (albeit with a mortgage). I bought first time when I was 25. You sound way too bitter and it's 'all everyone else's fault'.

Wow your last post was some pity party OP. I don't get these all too frequent posts on here being grabby and greedy about other people's money. You're effectively sitting and waiting for people to die so you can grab a pile of cash which is pretty disgusting and it's not even your relatives.

After that rant I hope the MiL inherits all the ER's s money, she lives to 100 and spends the lot.

I’m going to ignore your rant post. Everyone is hard done by some way or another.

Talk to ER. It is not grabby because he believes you will be gaining something from him and frankly if all goes according to MIL’s plan you won’t. As pp have said when he brings up the subject you say “well actually MIL has other plans from the inheritance and we are unlikely to benefit. Should you wish for us and other siblings to benefit please convey your wishes to your solicitor in writing...”. Ok that is pretty explicit but it sounds as if he being clear with you, it sounds as if MIL is being clear with you. The only person not being clear is you to ER.

BrandNewHouse my response about bringing up the subject with ER was in response to a pp saying why not talk to the ER about it (on a separate occasion).

Each to their own, but I find discussions about inheritance really grabby, it's all about a premeditated attempt to get what they can from someone when they die. Which is grabby in my world.

Even more so because it isn't even the OPs family, it's her DHs relative.

And it's like saying to the ER " you said such-and-such to us on 24/Feb/2017, right I'm holding you to it"

I was in a different version of this situation. My DGM wanted to her money to go to me & my sibling after df death (ie she wanted to leave it to him but have him then leave it to us). He wanted to be free to leave it where he wished, including dsc.

I wish he'd lied to her. I didnt care about the money, I cared that it caused her a lot of pain trying to decide whether to cut him out of her will. I wouldnt put an elderly relative through that.

You say your DH's family "avoid confrontation at all costs" and yet MIL has felt it necessary to express that she won't be gifting you and DH any of her inheritance from ER and that you'll have to "wait your turn". This makes me wonder whether your DH has been badgering MIL, going on about needing money for a house etc and trying to stake his claim on ER's money so she's felt she had to put an end to it by explaining what she intends to use the money for. If so that's pretty shameful, especially as ER isn't even dead yet!

I don't blame your MIL for wanting to use her inheritance to secure her future and ensure she will be able to afford care in old age. People are living longer than ever and care home fees are absolutely extortionate. If your MIL was to do what you want and give the money to you instead of putting it aside to pay for care, does that mean you and your DH would be be willing to move your MIL and her DP in with you and care for them in their old age?

Can’t you just say something to the elderly relative? Leave it in their hands as to whether they change the will.

YANBU, OP. I really don’t think you sound grabby or pathetic, just expressing frustration that myself and many others of my generation feel. Agree with other posters about clarifying with elderly relative and making sure it wasn’t just a passing comment.