Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Inheritance (or lack of). I know. Risky.

137 replies

brokeandsad · 25/05/2018 20:10

I've name changed for this as potentially outing and, well, a bit vulgar.

I know being hacked off at a lack of inheritance or parental help is generally frowned upon and broadly I agree. I'm wondering if it's ever right to feel like there has been an injustice in these matters and, more importantly, if there's anything one can do about it.

This concerns DHs family rather than mine. Which makes it feel extra awkward.

MIL was given a house at a very young age by her parents. It was a wreck and over time she's worked hard to make it amazing. Credit to her. Her house in now worth upwards of 500k. She has a very small mortgage that they used to extend/renovate. Neither she or her partner of 20 years work. They're not yet state retirement age (one is a long way off).

MIL is set to inherit an awful lot from the house sale of two older relatives, both in their late 90s.

One of these relatives has extensively talked to DH about how, when he dies, his money will help us with the deposit for our first house. He's very keen that we buy because he thinks renting is insecure and a waste of money. All his money + house sale will be left to MIL and he fully expects her to use it to help herself and help out her three children, all of them in their 30s and only one of them a home owner already.

MIL has told us in no uncertain terms that any money she inherits will be used to pay off her mortgage and the rest invested to cover any future care costs for her. DH has been told that he will have to wait "his turn" like she did.

I'm a bit bummed at again being faced with the reality that we probably won't ever be able to afford our own house, mostly because we have children and renting brings it's complications re schools etc.

Mostly I feel really uncomfortable that elderly relative and MIL seem to have very different ideas on what any inheritance will be used for. I can only think that she has lied to him, or at least been economical with the truth. I feel really awkward whenever either of them talk about money as it all seems so disingenuous and sad.

DH is similarly frustrated by our own financial circumstances (which, incidentally, we are both working very hard to turn around) but actually quite upset that his elderly relative has wishes that he thinks will be honoured but won't, and his mother is lying to everyone.

Am I BU for being frustrated by the awkwardness of it all, sad about DPs relationship with his family and cross that an old person is possibly being a bit deceived? Am I being incredibly selfish? What can we do to make the whole situation ok (it being OK isn't dependant on us getting any money, but people being honest with us and each other).

I'm awaiting a bit of a bashing but want genuine opinions please.

OP posts:

Blizzardagain · 25/05/2018 22:35

Make better choices. Everyone knows kids are expensive, why not buy before you had kids? Or were you hoping it would be handed to you on a plate?

I understand your frustration OP but your attitude will do you no favours

ScrubTheDecks · 25/05/2018 22:36

The only issue here that should concern you is the difference between the older relatives apparent intentions and MIL who is not set to carry them out.

Next time your DH talks with the relative, maybe he should say it is important to leave the money directly to the people you want it to go to.

Your views in your MIL havjng been given a house, not working or your self pity about not being a homeowner are not relevant. Quell yourself and behave!

LanaorAna2 · 25/05/2018 22:37

Hope the sanctimony is cheering you up OP, inheritance threads are the best for Competitive Holiness.

The usual shrieks of 'grasping' and 'outrage' from the Brigade - don't you just know that if it were happening to them, their squeals from MN Towers would be audible across the UK

I would not be happy about this, especially as MIL has probably said she will share with DCs in order to get all the money left to her. I know people this has happened to, so your fears are entirely justified.

There's nothing you can do except ask the relation to make a will that leaves you a deposit direct, along with similar bequests to the siblings. Tell the relative that MIL has explained she will not be helping you.

On the upside, MIL is a silly, selfish old woman and everyone will know it. It's very unusual now not to help when you can with housing - practically all parents do. Your obligations to help her decrease accordingly - she's set an agenda for not helping family. She's going to live by it now, and she won't like it.

choli · 25/05/2018 22:38

If your MIL hands you the money, are you planning to pay for her care when she needs it? Or is it a one way street with the money going into your pocket?

ScrubTheDecks · 25/05/2018 22:38

Your BabyBoomer self indulgent rant is selective, bitter, whining and makes you look pathetic.

SuitedandBooted · 25/05/2018 22:38

Just tell the ER - he's obviously discussing it with you anyway, so the next time it comes up, just say (without judgement/complaining),
"No Uncle X, MIL will be using the cash to pay off her mortgage and any care costs, and she will divide up anything remaining in her Will, so we will inherit when she dies".
He wants to do a kind and generous thing, and your MIL is very wrong to disregard it.
Also bear in mind, she could marry her long-time partner, and if he out-lives her, he will probably inherit, and could leave it all to his side of the family. Equally, she could decide to not marry him, but still leave him everything!
Basically, you either make the situation very clear to ER, or accept that you may never inherit the money at all. It will be out of your hands.

SantaClauseMightWork · 25/05/2018 22:38

I think you really do need to tell your elderly relative.

SantaClauseMightWork · 25/05/2018 22:41

Hope the sanctimony is cheering you up OP, inheritance threads are the best for Competitive Holiness
Lol

Accountant222 · 25/05/2018 22:41

It's always the same when money is on the table, there's a greedy bastard waiting in the wings.

MumofBoysx2 · 25/05/2018 22:45

The uncle is not being very wise here - if he wants your husband to inherit some of the money, albeit through his mum, then he really needs to state it in his will. Maybe next time the conversation comes up your husband could find a tactful way of saying that his mother doesn't have plans to leave him any. She can't really be blamed for wanting to secure her future, she is probably thinking it will balance out when she dies and passes it on.

Elspeth12345 · 25/05/2018 22:46

At least it sounds like your MIL is planning to leave money in her will to you and DH even if that's a long way off.

I guess if your DH talks to his elderly relative then your MIL might take offence and not leave him and you anything in her will so I guess you cannot do that.

MumofBoysx2 · 25/05/2018 22:46

I meant doesn't have plans to give him any, not leave him any

LanaorAna2 · 25/05/2018 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Motherbear26 · 25/05/2018 22:50

I think your mil is wrong to disregard the elderly relatives feelings, however how can you be sure of his intentions? A very good older friend of dh’s invited us over for drinks one Christmas. His dd was there and after a few too many made several comments about what she would be having after her dp’s passed away. Many of the guests were visibly cringing but my dh’s friend and his wife laughed along with her. Until she left, and he turned to my dh and said under his breath that she wasn’t getting a penny because they didn’t trust her not to fritter the lot away and so they had chosen to leave here share to her dc instead.

Your comments about baby boomers are misguided and biased. My dp’s had very little education and no options when they left school. They got the first available jobs and worked and saved and worked and saved their whole lives to buy the home we grew up in. I may have paid attend uni, and had to fork out an absolute fortune for my house, but I don’t think for one moment that I have had a more challenging time than them.

Firesuit · 25/05/2018 22:51

I don't think there's anything wrong with MILs plans. She's not planning to spend any money she wouldn't spend if she got nothing. Paying off the mortgage isn't money going out, it's just moving money from an account with a positive balance to a one with a negative one. Given she has at least half a million in assets anyway, she'd be making sure she gets decent care even without the inheritance.

So essentially, based on her announced plans, everything she inherits will be passed on, just not immediately.

MaggieFS · 25/05/2018 22:57

In a situation where ER. Has been completely open in conversation about his wishes, and MIL has been completely open about what her intentions are, then there is no problem with you being just as open with ER along the line of 'it's ever so kind of you to consider DH & siblings' but MIL has told us she has other plans'.

What ER then does is up to him, but if you're purely restating verbatim, so what?

PlatypusPie · 25/05/2018 23:02

I had some sympathy with you OP until your last, nasty, whining, entitled, mean minded rant. You started off the thread by saying you didn’t want to sound vulgar but , oh boy, that is what you are.

Your MIL sounds very sensible wanting to pay off her mortgage and set aside funds for her care when she gets older - that’s exactly what she should do ! Your ER may well be playing the beneficent figure, saying he will help everyone but if he really wants you to have money , he should leave it to you by bequest.

PieAndPumpkins · 25/05/2018 23:05

You are spot on about the baby boomers.
Have you thought about moving somewhere cheaper? Especially if you're professionals, get job hunting and make a better life for your family.

Ariela · 25/05/2018 23:08

I'd say (next time the relative mentions the inheritance being useful to you for house deposit) 'Oh it would be lovely, but I really don't think there will be anythng left after paying for MIL's care home..' And leave it at that.

I'm sorry you're stuck in rental, but the house I bought when I was 19 that got me started on the housing market was a long way out of town, not on a bus route, very tatty ex council and that meant affordable for me. It wasn't luck, it was pre-calculated risk that I'd afford it (when the interest rates rocketed) . I'd saved and saved since before leaving school (myparents couldn't afford to put 2 of us through Uni at the same time, so I left at 17), and I did 4 jobs a week and saved and saved, no holidays, no eating out, no new clothes, furniture or carpets & a night out was a pub job. I made mine a career, worked hard and earned well and chose not to have children till I was 40. You made different choices.
My nephew and fiance have taken a similar path to me, they're stated in a 2 bed flat, all saved by working hard, taking on extra hours and not wasting money on takeaways, coffees, meals out or expensive holidays, and now just moved into a super semi detached 40 miles from London, he's in steady work not amazing wages but sufficient, she's a shop worker on zero hours contract with a large chain. (Still on zero hours since starting as a weekend girl at 17, now 21 or 22, works a full 40-50 hour week most weeks, but that's another matter). They won't have kids or get married till they can afford it.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 25/05/2018 23:08

OP, your ER sounds pretty clued up, from how you've described him. He will be fully aware that he should make out a will, and indeed may already have one. He will also be aware, that in order to secure your future, you and your DH, should be named in said will.
But should your MIL ever need to go into care, she would possibly need it herself, as she would have to self fund, and it is incredibly expensive.

caringcarer · 25/05/2018 23:12

You could get your dh to mention you are both worried you will never be able to get on to the property ladder. If elderly relative again says you will get share when money is left to mil then say she says she will be spending it all on herself, If you want dh and his d siblings to get money for deposit then leave it directly to them.

owntwofeet · 25/05/2018 23:14

YABU. Given your comments on baby boomers, I wouldn't be surprised if the elderly relative has got the measure of you and is pretending that he's leaving your cash to ensure you give him some attention in his final days. Elderly doesn't mean stupid.

thegreylady · 25/05/2018 23:19

I don’t understand how two professionals in the North West are priced out of the market. I live in the West Midlands and , being a baby boomer, am of course in clover .However my dd, in her early forties and married to a tradesman (she teaches) has been buying a property of one sort or another since she started work (no financial help from us).
Nevertheless I do feel ER should be apprised of MIL’s intentions so that he can formalise the situation if he wants to.

Xenia · 25/05/2018 23:22

The elderly relative doesn't want the husband to inherit otherwise he would change his will to say so. He wants the mother in law to inherit and as it is his money he can leave it where he chooses.

Also if the MIL is going to use the money for her care costs surely that helps you and your husband as tax payers because you will have less tax to pay than if she expected the tax payer to pick up the tab. She sounds very sensible to me.

We have relatives in the North who have bought. It is not that expensive if you have two full time salaries and buy before you have children

worridmum · 25/05/2018 23:23

The problem is the cheap housing are NOT NEAR JOBS FFS and the cheapish housing near jobs are BEING BOUGHT UP ON MASS by the baby boomers the sooner being a landlord becomes unprofitable the better.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6