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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance (or lack of). I know. Risky.

137 replies

brokeandsad · 25/05/2018 20:10

I've name changed for this as potentially outing and, well, a bit vulgar.

I know being hacked off at a lack of inheritance or parental help is generally frowned upon and broadly I agree. I'm wondering if it's ever right to feel like there has been an injustice in these matters and, more importantly, if there's anything one can do about it.

This concerns DHs family rather than mine. Which makes it feel extra awkward.

MIL was given a house at a very young age by her parents. It was a wreck and over time she's worked hard to make it amazing. Credit to her. Her house in now worth upwards of 500k. She has a very small mortgage that they used to extend/renovate. Neither she or her partner of 20 years work. They're not yet state retirement age (one is a long way off).

MIL is set to inherit an awful lot from the house sale of two older relatives, both in their late 90s.

One of these relatives has extensively talked to DH about how, when he dies, his money will help us with the deposit for our first house. He's very keen that we buy because he thinks renting is insecure and a waste of money. All his money + house sale will be left to MIL and he fully expects her to use it to help herself and help out her three children, all of them in their 30s and only one of them a home owner already.

MIL has told us in no uncertain terms that any money she inherits will be used to pay off her mortgage and the rest invested to cover any future care costs for her. DH has been told that he will have to wait "his turn" like she did.

I'm a bit bummed at again being faced with the reality that we probably won't ever be able to afford our own house, mostly because we have children and renting brings it's complications re schools etc.

Mostly I feel really uncomfortable that elderly relative and MIL seem to have very different ideas on what any inheritance will be used for. I can only think that she has lied to him, or at least been economical with the truth. I feel really awkward whenever either of them talk about money as it all seems so disingenuous and sad.

DH is similarly frustrated by our own financial circumstances (which, incidentally, we are both working very hard to turn around) but actually quite upset that his elderly relative has wishes that he thinks will be honoured but won't, and his mother is lying to everyone.

Am I BU for being frustrated by the awkwardness of it all, sad about DPs relationship with his family and cross that an old person is possibly being a bit deceived? Am I being incredibly selfish? What can we do to make the whole situation ok (it being OK isn't dependant on us getting any money, but people being honest with us and each other).

I'm awaiting a bit of a bashing but want genuine opinions please.

OP posts:
Happypuppy · 25/05/2018 23:24

Oh so now it’s a baby boomers vs millennials rant.Yawn.

Those same baby boomers who bought houses before having kids, y’know?

WeAllHaveWings · 25/05/2018 23:28

Your ER will leave you what he wants to leave you.

He may be telling you he expects his money to help you to buy your attention while he's still alive as he sees you are materially driven.

What he writes in his will, will be what he wanted and if you aren't mentioned you aren't. What he said doesnt count and your mum has every right to spend her inheritance as she sees fit without judgement.

ilovesooty · 25/05/2018 23:32

So it's become yet another baby boomer bashing thread.

Tedious.

Thehop · 25/05/2018 23:35

I’d tell ER what MIL plans.

Jonbb · 25/05/2018 23:38

Actually in the area in the UK in which i live the state care homes are absolutely awful, and I disagree with your sentiments and totally understand why she would keep any inheritance she has. That aside, your elderly relative who wants you to be a home owner needs to be advised that he needs to make a will to ensure his wishes are carried out. You should bring it up in conversation.

Jonbb · 25/05/2018 23:40

I would also add I didn't have children or even a car until I bought my first house.

MidniteScribbler · 25/05/2018 23:44

You sound like you are expecting your MIL to sell her home to provide one for you. You say yourself that she has worked hard to get the house into the condition it is in, but you think she should just give it all up because you have made choices in your life that she should pay for?

budinbloom · 25/05/2018 23:48

I would steer clear - it’s not your relative/family.

It’s up to your DH to say something if he’s bothered by it. His relative is probably all talk and no action - personally, I wouldn’t take it/him seriously. Waiting for an inheritance that may not happen is no way to live - you are bound to be disappointed. It’s not that common to jump a generation unless they deliberately plan to - your DH’s relative could leave DH a direct bequest IF he seriously wanted to.

My parents are well off but they certainly don’t believe in handouts. They gave me an interest free loan of £6k which I paid back monthly over the next 2 years (as a priority over other outgoings). This equated to half our deposit for a flat in an undesirable area. We only got this after we had managed to save the other £6k ourselves. DH & I was 27 & 30 when we bought our first place, having been together since uni. We bought that flat for £98k back in 1999. It’s worth just over double that now (hasn’t really gentrified and this is in the expensive SE!) Good commuter area though in the M4 corridor with plenty of jobs in the vicinity.

redherring4 · 25/05/2018 23:52

There's plenty of millennial that have bought their own houses though.

Whilst parts of your rant are true, you have cherry picked the positives of the generation.

I think the only way you can get your message across that you want the money and don't think MIL will give it to you is to speak to the ER directly about it. Not a conversation I would want to have though.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 25/05/2018 23:57

Ffs you live in the NW (if I recall up thread) which is one of the easiest areas to buy houses, and yet you’re still blaming baby boomers?? It’s perfectly reasonable for the
relative to leave all the money to MIL who is “next in line”. You’ll have to wait your turn (and I won’t be surprised if that never comes...) it’s not your family, it’s your husband’s, whole new level of grasping there....

Bouledeneige · 25/05/2018 23:58

As others have said - ER must be aware that the right way to define what people get is through their will. If they haven't done so it might be they are just saying it and don't meant it.

However, I think you are under-estimating the costs of retirement. Your MIL and partner could live another 40 - 50 years so having a house will not be sufficient to meet their needs, they still have a mortgage and who is to know what pension they have to cover the rest of their life. If the money went to you and they then became impoverished and in need of social care - would you be prepared to support and pay for them?

I have a friend whose grandparents by-passed their parents with the inheritance and gave all their money to him and his sister. This upset his parents who had worked hard all their lives for a modest home and had never had anything extravagant - they could have done with a bit of money in their retirement. Their children have now had to help them out.

Statements about the baby boomers robbing young people show how little love and respect you have for your MIL. Nasty and entitled. Many older people worked extremely hard all their lives with very few of the luxuries people take for granted now, like foreign holidays, cars, computers etc.

I hope she keeps the money.

odig · 26/05/2018 00:10

Do you realise how many professional couples in the SE feel bitter about people like you and your cheap housing OP?

MidniteScribbler · 26/05/2018 00:11

I notice that the OP reserves her ranting for her MIL. No talk of why her own parents have done nothing to help her out.

spontaneousgiventime · 26/05/2018 00:19

Well...................That was some rant, I can feel the fire and brimstone over here (Yes, I'm a mean spirited baby boomer).

Bouledeneige · 26/05/2018 00:26

By the way, I'm not a baby boomer quite, I've worked very, very hard and never had a penny of help from anyone but I saved for a deposit and now own a house on my own as a single mum. I still have a mortgage and no real pension provision I will be working well beyond 65. I've never expected anything from anyone. Grow up.

emmyrose2000 · 26/05/2018 00:31

MIL was given a house at a very young age by her parents. It was a wreck and over time she's worked hard to make it amazing. Credit to her. Her house in now worth upwards of 500k. She has a very small mortgage that they used to extend/renovate. Neither she or her partner of 20 years work. They're not yet state retirement age (one is a long way off)

So MIL was given a hand out (basically) that allowed her to get ahead in life, but is denying her own children a helping hand? It seems like MIL is so used to other people providing for her, that's developed an entitled attitude to it.

How does she and her partner fund their lifestyle?

I agree with PP that DP definitely needs to mention this to the relative, as it's a 100% guarantee that their wishes won't be carried out.

FourPillars · 26/05/2018 00:46

Entitled much? You said it first and it’s the one statement you’ve made that I agree with OP: vulgar.
An in-law whinging over money belonging to an elderly relative who is still very much alive is simply vulgar.
Grow up and become responsible for the life choices you’ve made.

lljkk · 26/05/2018 05:17

So thread is just an excuse to air a lot of resentment? I know it's a British pastime. What a waste of time, though.

Bitlost · 26/05/2018 05:53

If I were the elderly relative and heard how you were all planning who gets what on my much awaited death, i’d leave everything to charity.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/05/2018 05:55

I would talk to ER. If they know mils plans, they may be able to either change their will or give your dh a lump sum right now. That is, if they really want to help you out. Your mil sounds vile tbh. She was given a house but doesn’t want to do the same for you.

Wishmeluck2018 · 26/05/2018 06:27

Yes your mil got lucky so why should you deserve her money/assets? May be they can see through what you are after and decided not to give?

WishTheGroundWouldSwallowMeUp · 26/05/2018 06:34

can I just add this into the mix, as I only every hear about baby boomers v millennials.

There are other generations, and definitions.

www.careerplanner.com/Career-Articles/Generations.cfm

Inheritance (or lack of). I know. Risky.
Sleephead1 · 26/05/2018 06:35

The thing is you don't know what will actually happen or what the will says. It's not your family so I wouldn't say anything but if your husband wants to that's up to him. I do understand your frustration and I want to help my son as much as I can I've started saving money monthly now to try and be able to help and honestly if I inherited any money I would give him some so I find it odd your mum isn't planning on doing that especially if ER wants that but is this mil parent you are talking about as I would hate it if someone was discussing my parent dying and what money they are being left. In life things change it's not older people's fault that times have changed my parents house has gone up 10 times but it doesn't mean the didn't work very hard to save for it and pay mortgage and do itIt's not their fault we won't be in the same position ( my parents did help us with house deposit they matched what we saved ) and if they hadn't we would still be saving now so we are very lucky. But I don't think being bitter about how things where for our parents generation helps anyone life changes no one can do anything about this and you can never really rely on a inheritance they could all go in case home fees ECT honestly it's 1000s a month so could all be eaten up anyway. I do feel for you as it's so hard to get on property ladder when renting Just a fewideas Have you managed to save anything yet ? have you looked at help to buy scheme ? Its a lower deposit and if you open a isa and save with them the government gives you a percentage depending on what you save. If you are living on a damp home have you contacted environmental health as if the property needs repairs and the landlord is refusing and you are living in unsafe conditions they can become involved. Is there any chance of you staying with family while you save for a deposit ? Good luck in whatever you decide

BrandNewHouse · 26/05/2018 06:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VladmirsPoutine · 26/05/2018 06:52

I don't understand why ER hasn't just written your H into his will and cut out the middle(wo)man. It's not like your H is a minor and therefore requires MiL to look after his share. It sounds too convoluted. If I were going to leave someone something in my will I'd write the will to that effect. Maybe ER just wants some attention and is stirring the pot to cause fractious relations. As you say ER is still in control of mental faculties so why the need to go round in circles is mystifying - clearly for whatever reason ER doesn't deem it necessary to just write your H into the will.