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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my mother at my wedding

32 replies

Comps83 · 24/05/2018 23:08

I never thought I’d get married but now I’m less than 3 months til the big day. My mother has been an alcoholic for 20 years and has caused a mountain of shit, pushed everyone away. Her own husband, (my father) , me , her brother , friends etc.
Everyone else gets on fine. I’m going to sit dad with her brother as they still get on great.
She’s so poisonous .
Only ever contacts me when drunk
I’ve tried to help her but she won’t help herself . Everything about the wedding has been about her. Her feelings . The world is against her etc.
She can’t see that the booze is the problem but she won’t seek help
I can’t look forward to it as she is this big black cloud hanging over it.
Anyone else banned a parent from their wedding? Sounds harsh but I’m exhausted with her behaviour

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 24/05/2018 23:10

No way I’d let her come. You know she’s going to spoil it so you won’t enjoy the run up or anything.

Waggingmyginger · 24/05/2018 23:13

Flowers absolutely. You should enjoy the day. I have no experience on it but getting so.e family support to tell her might help.

Prestonsflowers · 24/05/2018 23:14

You are not being unreasonable to ban your mother.
As an alcoholic, everything will be about her so go ahead and ban her.
Many congratulations on your wedding and I hope you have a lovely day 💐

Emma198 · 24/05/2018 23:17

I went to a wedding where my husband was a friend of the groom, neither of us know the bride. Her Dad wasn't around and her Mum walked her down the aisle. Before we got to the reception, her Mum was visibly drunk and started singing proud mary at the top of her voice from the table while we were waiting for bride and groom to make their entrance. She sat next to the bride on top table and bride spent the whole reception including during speeches, taking drinks off her Mum, who would then manage to get one from someone else and down it. It was awful to see and the bride just looked devastated. Prior to seeing that i would have said but she's your mum, you have to have her there but after seeing that, I'd definitely say don't let her go, it was awful.

Original poster
Comps83 · 24/05/2018 23:18

I have said in no uncertain terms that WE ARE DONE if I even see so much as a dirty look. Her mother has backed her up all these years , even loosing contact with her first born , my uncle though all this shit.
But a few weeks ago my mother reached a new low. Texting me whilst drunk, pretending to be at work whilst wankered at home (she’s a staff nurse, I know wtf right) trying to make me feel bad that she was dealing with a dying patient! So I rang grandma to tell her a few home truths bout her precious daughter and amazingly she believed me and said she’d remove her from my wedding herself if she does anything wrong!
Thing is, she’s lovely when sober
What can you do?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 24/05/2018 23:22

Oh god, she works as a nurse and she is an alcoholic? Surely there'll be days when she's working under the influence?

I wonder why you told her about it. Would she have heard about it from others? I wouldn't want her there but probably would've gone for a Vegas holiday or similar so that she couldn't be there.

HollowTalk · 24/05/2018 23:23

If she's lovely when sober, I would talk to her when she's sober and ask her to stay away.

Itslookinglikeabeautifulday · 24/05/2018 23:29

I feel for you. Flowers in your shoes I think I wouldn’t invite her. It is your day after all. Alcoholics can’t be helped until they are ready. In my experience (a close relation) this involved hitting rock bottom (hospitalised and given stark warning by drs). Thankfully it worked. Your mum hasn’t reached that point. I hope she wakes up to the fact she has a problem soon and seeks help. x

Babynut1 · 24/05/2018 23:30

Having had an alcoholic mother, I would ban her from my wedding although knowing my mother she would talk my ather into taking her and just turn up anyway.
Luckily by the time I got married she’d sorted herself out so it wasn’t an issue, but if she was still drinking to the extent she was when I was growing up then she would have been banned or I’d have eloped!
My mother ruined our childhood and I’ll never forgive her for that.
Don’t let her ruin your wedding xx

Original poster
Comps83 · 24/05/2018 23:34

It’s hard to talk about it when she’s sober as it’s like I’m taking to a different person. She’s tell me everything is fine, she promises everything will be ok.
Then I get the random drunken texts .
Telling me she she’s not coming. Gonna sell her dress on eBay . Waste of money etc

She only drinks when she’s not at work the next day . So her colleagues think the sun shines out her arse and my dad is the devil.
I remember at 15 when she came home wankered, from a work night out , me shouting GET TO BED! getting reprimanded by her colleagues, who didn’t know that it was an almost daily occurrence, that I had a GSCE exam the next morning or that I’d had to call the police on her 3 times previously for attacking my dad before he finally left me to cope with her alone .
I’m 34 now

OP posts:
Original poster
Comps83 · 24/05/2018 23:39

Christ sorry my grammar is terrible tonight, I’m all in a fluster as we have been trying to sort seating arrangements and I have no idea who the hell to sit her with! It’s all come to a head .

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 24/05/2018 23:41

Could you tell her that unless she signs herself in to rehab now and gets herself sober she is not coming to the wedding. You would hope the thoughts of missing her dds wedding might be what she needs. But if she refuses then do not invite her as you will be a nervous wreck. Will your dad go without her?

Mammysin · 24/05/2018 23:43

Very similar circumstance here. I deliberately uninvited my mother but my father died unexpectedly two weeks before wedding. I have not spoken to her in two years. Please trust yourself x

Original poster
Comps83 · 24/05/2018 23:47

My dad is still with the woman he left her for, and yes this was a dire mistake on his part. He should have left before finding someone else. We all agree this was a mistake . They split up first time when I was 15 and 2nd when I was 29. They should never have got back together.
But.... she has been with someone else the last 5 years too so god only knows what he thinks about it all. Thing Is he’s T total !
Sorry for ranting on here but as you can imagine after 20 years my friends are sick of hearing about it
This is one of the main reasons I never wanted to get married . Sure we could have eloped but I wanted all my friends and other family there
She is the only problem

OP posts:
Kahlua4me · 24/05/2018 23:48

I think I would also tell her that she signs herself into rehab or her wedding invite is cancelled.

You want to be able to relax and enjoy your day not be worrying about her behaviour. It is not a new situation so deep down you know how she will behave and how it will evolve. Don’t let her dominate your day and make this the start of your new chapter..

QueenofSerene · 24/05/2018 23:48

Can you talk to the venue about not supplying her alcohol at all and tell her if she wants to come she can't drink at all otherwise she's not invited? That way it's not you 'banning' her so much as her making the decision as to whether your wedding is more important than her getting blotto for a night?

I know for an alcoholic this is unlikely.. I'd be inclined to say ban her if you know it's not worth the hassle though.. my exMIL was the same and in the end her and her entire family decided not to come, so it took it out of my hands and we didn't miss her (or exH's family) in the slightest.

Original poster
Comps83 · 24/05/2018 23:55

Everyone knows what she is like and everyone is willing to put her out on her arse. I’ve already warned the venue but... can’t see it happening. She will find a way.
She is so bitter she would cause a shitstorm even when sober I’m sure. She’s already said her OH will be driving .
I suppose tho that this is a good excuse to get her out my life
I’ve only put up with it so far for the sake of my elderly grandmother but now she knows the score and I’ve told her that im done with mother if anything should kick off .
It’s just a test now I suppose
Doesn’t help my wedding nerves
But she is my mother ...

OP posts:
InkSnail · 24/05/2018 23:58

For your own peace of mind, which you're entitled to at your wedding, I think it may be better if she doesn't attend. If you do let her come though, I reckon you'll need some bouncers to get her to leave at the slightest trouble.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 25/05/2018 00:00

Do you think that you could say (probably easier via text) 'I would love to have you at my wedding but I want you there on the condition that you do not drink. If I can smell booze or you try to order some I will ask you to leave.'?

Put the decision in her hands, it might assuage some mislaid guilt on your part. It is your wedding day, you should not have to chaperone your mother. This is your day. You are entitled to enjoy it.

Original poster
Comps83 · 25/05/2018 00:01

Ha yes I’ve already anointed some unofficial bouncers !

OP posts:
Original poster
Comps83 · 25/05/2018 00:06

I’ve tried everything
Then the next day it’s like it never happened.
She’s on another planet . Like 2 completely different people . I can talk to sober mother all I want but then drunk mother will kick in a few days later and then the day after all that was said is forgotten .
I’m going to enjoy my day . She’ll probably be removed without me even knowing .
Oooooor. She might surprise everyone . Like my dads 50th bd party . Sober as a judge . Amazement all round , one can only hope.

OP posts:
ginswinger · 25/05/2018 00:16

Being very blunt, your mother is unlikely to be behaving in the way you would hope on the day, Alcoholism is a very serious illness and she's not going to get better for a very long time. I would love to tell you that she will be well enough on the day but you know she won't and it will put you on edge. Arrange a time to see her and enjoy some time together if you feel you can but don't ask an alcoholic to perform sobriety at an event like this. It's not fair on you or her.

Have your day without her but if you have it in yourself to be kind (and goodness knows, alcoholism tests the families to breaking point so I would understand if you have passed that point) and have some time with her afterwards to celebrate privately. Be kind to yourself and remember she is in the grip of an illness that's a long way beyond her control. Don't test her, the booze will win. I am so sorry but alcoholics choose booze every time their families, you have to learn how to love her as she is and accept she's probably not going to change. I am so sorry.

Original poster
Comps83 · 25/05/2018 00:22

I know . Problem is she refuses to admit she has a problem . She lies , a lot . And yes I have this internal guilt about shunning her . She’s not going to bet better it’s been 20 years .

OP posts:
emmyrose2000 · 25/05/2018 00:22

Unfortunately, no matter what you say, how many conditions you put on it, she is going to be drunk at your wedding. There is no way in hell I'd invite her at all.

Your fiance doesn't deserve to have his wedding ruined by his drunk MIL either. If I was part of the groom's side, I'd be beyond furious if my child/brother/relative's wedding day was wrecked by the bride's drunk mother.

The issue is, will she try and gatecrash anyway? It may require some sort of security on the door to prevent her getting in.

YummySushi · 25/05/2018 00:26

Can u put a bridesmaid responsible for keeping an eye out for ur mother and making sure she doesn’t act up and that if she does she gets escorted out by the bridesmaid ? Or any person ? Just delegate that to someone ?.

Could u make sure she doesn’t drink on ur wedding ?

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