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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset with my best friend

103 replies

Bollockstoyou · 24/05/2018 13:56

So I have know this girl for 30 years, we've been through so much together relationships, divorce, marriage bereavement. Loads of good times over the years, there has been a few times were I've paid for things like when I got married I got married abroad and my mum had just died so I wanted her there she couldn't afford it so I saved and paid for her and it was worth every penny just to have her there. A few years ago I had a house warming party I paid for her and her husband to stay in a local hotel so they could come as she said couldn't afford it. She came and started to show off her tattoo she just got earlier that week, I was a miffed to be honest but let it go, there's been a few small things like that that has happened.

Anyway fast forward a few years her and her husband moved to France, unfortunately she moved the same day as my dad died which isn't her fault but I always associate losing them both on the same day. She wasn't really there for me through all that as she was too busy with her own stuff, new life in France etc. I felt let down but got over it. I'm getting married in August this year, she did say to me she would still be there as it's only a short flight away. I sent the invite but she said they will be working all over summer, can't afford it and hates flying etc, I was disappointed but I still kept the friendship going, she then couldn't make the hen weekend as couldn't afford it, fair enough I wasn't going to offer to pay again. Anyway yesterday she posted on Facebook that she's flying over to the uk in September to go to a dance event thing, she's got her ticket, booked hotel and meeting various people. Shock. I'm so upset, I don't want to say anything really as don't want a fight but I think this friendship is done. Would you be upset?

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 24/05/2018 15:12

I was thinking if you’d paid for a hotel room again she’d have come.

Nails is a good living, and not seasonal. She sounds cheeky rather than broke.

SeaEagleFeather · 24/05/2018 15:15

I think if I say anything she will post something on Facebook about a friend being selfish not wanting her to enjoy herself or I'm jealous she lives in France..That's what happened last time I tried to explain I felt let down after my dad died.

that's nasty. She might be fun to be around but her underlying character is pretty unpleasant.

A shallow friend for fun times only. Be sad for the friendship you thought you had, move on and then remember the good times when the sting has eased.

Eveforever · 24/05/2018 15:15

PratRocket In terms of how she could support the OP after her dad's death, you make a good point. It would be difficult to support the OP from abroad. However, it wouldn't be difficult to stop slagging the OP off online about how she was handling her grief.

PratRocket · 24/05/2018 15:18

Eveforever
I got the impression the Op's friend did more of a "vaguebook" which is a crime against humanity in itself tbf and then her friends slagged her off. Which isn't nice, No. But I also don't know the contents of the message the OP sent. I can't imagine demanding anyone support me in those circumstances who had just made a massive move. but I also would never expect anyone and their husband to get a hotel to come to my housewarming!

Nikephorus · 24/05/2018 15:26

That's what happened last time I tried to explain I felt let down after my dad died.
But to be fair to her (and it is about the only point in her defence) she did move to France the same day as your dad died. Moving house is hectic enough, moving country too.... She couldn't be there in person and being there on the phone for you wasn't exactly going to be practical either if she's trying to get her whole life moved across the Channel. Maybe she's been pissed off with you for you effectively having a go at her about it? It's not like you were able to be there for her either with her big move...

expatinscotland · 24/05/2018 15:27

Just cut her loose. Honestly, block and move on. I agree with Prat, though, in that I'm meh about weddings in general but a big ol' wedding and hen do for a second wedding I would not prioritise at all, or a housewarming party that I had to travel from abroad for. You and she have drifted apart.

Eveforever · 24/05/2018 15:28

PratRocket she told her friends on Facebook the OP was selfish and jealous, then allowed the friends to slag her off too, hardly the behaviour of a good friend. The OP didn't say she demanded her friend to support her, but even if she had I would assume that was her grief talking and give her a pass. I agree that I wouldn't expect anyone to book a hotel to come to my housewarming, but in this instance they allowed the OP to pay for their room so they could attend. They should have politely declined if they also thought it was excessive, but instead they chose to take advantage.

Original poster
Bollockstoyou · 24/05/2018 15:34

She didn't live abroad when I had the house warming party and it was a big thing at the time as I went through hell getting out of an abusive relationship and I decided to celebrate when I finally managed to buy my own house for me and my dcs, all my friends came!

The support when my dad died, all I really wanted was a how are you? I'm sorry your dad died, I'm really busy here at the moment , but I'm thinking about you etc. No more than that, I was grieving felt alone felt she abandoned me, sometimes with grief though you can be a bit over emotional so maybe I was it was bad timing really, not her fault she moved then!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 24/05/2018 15:37

Look, she has different priorities that don't include you so you'll have to cut her loose and move on.

Original poster
Bollockstoyou · 24/05/2018 15:38

But when I explained I felt she had forgotten about me and I missed her, I didn't expect her to then put it all over fb and slag me off in a sarcastic way I couldn't believe it Confused

OP posts:
Eveforever · 24/05/2018 15:38

So she didn't even ask how you were after your dad died? That's weird.

Original poster
Bollockstoyou · 24/05/2018 15:39

Nope! And yes I realise that expat I'm just trying to explain a few things!!!!!!!

OP posts:
Thespringsthething · 24/05/2018 15:44

It does sound like you are going your separate ways anyway...

but I would bet flights would be quite a bit from France/UK in August, that's peak time, same for hotels.

If they have a summer season it is a hard time to get away, and a Sept holiday for her does make a lot more sense.

So, your wedding is in peak season so to some extent I do think you are being unreasonable. It's really not the same as this other holiday in cost or timing.

Original poster
Bollockstoyou · 24/05/2018 15:47

The flights weren't much if they were booked early and they could of stayed here and it would be 1 night! I did it for them and paid for a week in a hotel as nothing would of stopped me going to her wedding!!!

OP posts:
Eveforever · 24/05/2018 15:51

Earlier I was thinking maybe you had different expectations of your friendship and if you worked that out you could salvage/continue your friendship. Now I'm thinking she's an unbelievable cow; I mean what kind of person doesn't ask after someone when their dad has just died? That would've been the end of things for me right there. She didn't have time to ask how you were, but she did have time to call you names on Facebook?! This woman is not a friend.

Cornishclio · 24/05/2018 15:51

This is your second wedding then and from the sound of it you don't see her often these days? If your wedding is in peak season and they are in hospitality then I think it is reasonable to expect it may be difficult for them to come and maybe as she was coming to an event in September she does not want to pay twice especially in August.

I think she was unkind to not be more supportive when you lost your Dad but by then maybe she had already distanced herself from you by moving away. We lost some friends when we moved 230 miles away as I think for some people out of sight is out of mind. To be honest I did not mind as I think it takes more effort to keep up relationships from a distance.

I think this friendship is over.

Coyoacan · 24/05/2018 15:58

You don't seem to have much empathy left for each other. You feel that she didn't support you when your father died, fair enough, but cannot see that it is very difficult for seasonal workers, especially a chef, to drop everything to go to your wedding during the high season.

Original poster
Bollockstoyou · 24/05/2018 15:59

Yeh your right corn. I do realise a bit about the seasonal thing that's why I didn't say anything when they said they weren't coming, I still think they could of though. Anyway yeh we have different lives now so that's it for me really

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 24/05/2018 16:02

I'd be unfollowing her on FB so you don't have to see her going on about coming over and from what you've said about how she behaved the last time you pulled her up over her bad behaviour I wouldn't reply to her message!

I know it's frowned on but honestly I'd be ghosting her,the kind of friendship she's offering you don't need!

I'm really sorry about your Mum and Dad, Flowers both of my parents have passed away and that was when my friends really stepped up for me and that's what she should have done for you!

ellybo · 24/05/2018 16:03

Sounds poisonous :( But there must have been something good as well as it's a long friendship. I would recommend writing her a message where you tell exactly how you feel. Sleep over night and read it and then if you still feel the same way, send it.

Rudgie47 · 24/05/2018 16:04

I think to need to listen to what all of the people on here are saying OP.
I know its hard but you need to let her go and leave her to it. She doesnt sound like a nice, supportive, kind, caring friend at all. Just let it go and dont contact her again, no need for drama.
You deserve much better, anyone does. Shes not a friend.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/05/2018 16:07

I am sorry to say that it, but it seems that she means more to you, than you to her, I would just let her go now. She doesen't sound like a good friend at all.

Roussette · 24/05/2018 16:11

In a word Bollocks... bollocks to her! You have been more than generous to her and it sounds like she can't be bothered which is hurtful. Don't comment. Just ignore. Silence is far more powerful.

Sometimes things happen in a friendship that make you sit up and think 'whoa, this is NOT right'. I had a friend I supported and was generous with financially. I actually paid for a holiday for her because she was broke. I met her off the plane and she was babbling on about the shirt she'd just bought in the airport that cost £90. I couldn't believe it, I'd just paid her flight so she obviously wasn't broke! It made me very wary and the friendship floundered.

Good luck with your wedding bollocks. Flowers

cornishstripes · 24/05/2018 16:17

she doesn't sound particularly nice, you definitely need to cut her loose and move on. Why not start with hiding her posts on facebook, and the alerts on any texts?

Whereismumhiding2 · 24/05/2018 16:19

But when I explained I felt she had forgotten about me and I missed her, I didn't expect her to then put it all over fb and slag me off in a sarcastic way I couldn't believe it confused

^^ Yup that's not nice. And all the rest of the stuff. Really what are you getting out of this friendship? It doesn't sound two way nor kind.
I'd leave it there if I were you. Plenty of lovely friends out there that you could meet & don't expect you to sub them.

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