To be upset with my best friend

[Bollockstoyou]

So I have know this girl for 30 years, we've been through so much together relationships, divorce, marriage bereavement. Loads of good times over the years, there has been a few times were I've paid for things like when I got married I got married abroad and my mum had just died so I wanted her there she couldn't afford it so I saved and paid for her and it was worth every penny just to have her there. A few years ago I had a house warming party I paid for her and her husband to stay in a local hotel so they could come as she said couldn't afford it. She came and started to show off her tattoo she just got earlier that week, I was a miffed to be honest but let it go, there's been a few small things like that that has happened.

Anyway fast forward a few years her and her husband moved to France, unfortunately she moved the same day as my dad died which isn't her fault but I always associate losing them both on the same day. She wasn't really there for me through all that as she was too busy with her own stuff, new life in France etc. I felt let down but got over it. I'm getting married in August this year, she did say to me she would still be there as it's only a short flight away. I sent the invite but she said they will be working all over summer, can't afford it and hates flying etc, I was disappointed but I still kept the friendship going, she then couldn't make the hen weekend as couldn't afford it, fair enough I wasn't going to offer to pay again. Anyway yesterday she posted on Facebook that she's flying over to the uk in September to go to a dance event thing, she's got her ticket, booked hotel and meeting various people. . I'm so upset, I don't want to say anything really as don't want a fight but I think this friendship is done. Would you be upset?

No she said she would come to the wedding and then said no!

I think it's true about the seasonal work maybe, he's a chef and she does nails, massage etc. So it may be more difficult for her, but the flights weren't expensive we looked £30 we would of put them up and airport drop, surely they could of come for 1 day if they really wanted to!

I'd reply saying you won't see her in Sept and that it's a shame her work commitments mean she can't come to your wedding in Aug but can go to a dance event in Sept.

Tell her you're really upset that you feel she wasn't actually bothered about celebrating your big day with you, and she blamed money but now she's fine to come over a few months later and she still isn't coming to see you.
If she genuinely loves you like you love her she'll want you top understand / she'll apologise etc.

I'd give it that chance before you just ignore and walk away

Cut her out of your life.

Absolutely awful thing to do to such a long term friend.

I don't think I would bother explaining it, what is the point, she has made her feelings clear. Let her work it out (if she notices, she sounds very wrapped up in her own life)

I would literally ghost her and move on, and enjoy your wedding. Not all friendships are meant to last forever, and she is just taking advantage of you and does not truly care about you at all.

I'd message her back: I'm not interested in going.

Then I'd defriend her and not get in touch again.

I think if I say anything she will post something on Facebook about a friend being selfish not wanting her to enjoy herself or I'm jealous she lives in France and then others will comment things like she doesn't need a friend like that etc as they won't know the full story. That's what happened last time I tried to explain I felt let down after my dad died. That will just upset me more so I think unless she demands to know why I haven't replied I'll just loose contact with her!

She's invited you to the dance event? My response is a bit passive aggressive, but hey ho. I would tell her you can't afford to go the dance event as you have your wedding to pay for. It's a shame she can't afford to come to the wedding, but enjoy the dance event.

Yes, if she'd really wanted to come she would have done so there's your answer. She doesn't value your past friendship and you'll be better off just focussing on your current relationships. Congrats on your wedding, hope the sun shines

Thank you ruffian

That sounds very hurtful. Yes, I would back away. If you want to explain that you’re very hurt she is able to come over a couple of weeks after your wedding but not actually to it. She doesn’t sound very nice so don’t be surprised if she’s defensive or horrible.

So you already know she will be a right cow about it.

You could always message what you want to say then remove and block

Well if she was like that when your dad died why are still friends with her? She sounds really nasty.

Just tell her you are busy in Sep, and then just drop out of her life quietly.

Holy fuck. She sounds even worse now you’ve said what she did after your dad died. You should ignore her then. Don’t give her any ammo. Sounds like a horrible frenemy.

Not sure OP. Maybe she had been planning the tatoo and saving for it but didn't have extra money to go to a house warming party! That's a bit random to expect her to come for that tbh.

It's hard to support someone in a meaningful way after a bereavement when you have literally just moved abroad either.

Personally I hate weddings and a bit meh about second third etc weddings especially and wouldn't want to waste money to go to one AND a hen do.

Also the event might be subsidised or cheap or something she's been planning for ages.

I actually think you're being pretty unreasonable.

Sounds like "can't afford it" to her actually means "can't be bothered unless someone else pays" this.

She probably gave a big French shrug when she realised you weren't about to offer to pay for her to come along on your hen party - then had last minute second thoughts when she knew you must have seen her casual reference to the Sept trip.
If she invites you just tell her you have to budget for your wedding.

Yanbu to feel sad at a long friendship fizzling out.

God she sounds dreadful. I wouldn't do anything dramatic but accept that she's selfish and not the friend you deserve so don't bother keeping in contact with her anymore.

I know summer, I was grieving back then and felt I still needed her, but I can see carrying on with it is just going to cause me more grief, I guess I was holding on cos I've known her so long and there's been such good times but well we both have very different lives now and I am happy with my life

I know someone like this. We used to be a lot closer until I realised that she was only interested in doing stuff with me if she got something out of it.
I've let the whole thing cool after I'd booked a holiday with her and another (after much negotiation on price) and then two weeks before we were due to go she said she couldn't afford it. Other friend and I had to cancel as there was no way we could afford it between us. I discovered that she'd just spent a load of money on hair, tattoos and clothes.
And she cancelled on me at the last minute on something else as she essentially got a better offer of a day out.

Part of me feels unreasonable as as someone said the work is seasonal so after working all summer she's entitled to go to something she really wants to, but I still think she could of come if she wanted to. I went to hers abroad and I'd just had a baby, booked a hotel etc but I didn't question it as she was a good friend! I was bridesmaid at her 2nd wedding!

It hurts because she keeps posting how much she's looking forward to it, what shoes she's wearing etc and all the people she is meeting are joining in.

I can’t add much more to the great advice you’ve been given but I sympathize. My “ best friend” of 35 years is clearly not my friend at all because after it always being me that made the effort ,when I finally stopped rowing the boat, she didn’t pick up the oars and we haven’t spoken /had any contact for over 6 months. It hurts like hell but I’m accepting that I’m not as important to her as she is, was, to me. Sorry OP.

Un-friend her and then you won't know what she's saying. I wouldn't engage with her at all, wouldn't bother telling her you're hurt. She doesn't care, unfortunately. Some people are shallow, and can walk away from a friendship of years.

She expects that you will pay, yet again, allowing her to do both.

Don't.

When you messaged her to say you didn't feel supported after your dad died, what had you actually been expecting from her practically? Also have you ever made a move like that, it's really difficult and the end of a lot of relationships because it can be so hard.

PratRocket she's known the OP for 30 years, so, as she is the OP's best/close friend, I would expect her to make some effort to go to her wedding. The OP already said she could get a flight over for £30 and that they would put them up. Spending £30 and one day or two for a friend of 30 years isn't a massive undertaking surely? Obviously everybody's circumstances are different, but the fact she said she couldn't afford to come, but can manage a dance event the following month looks suspicious. She initially said she could go, but then pulled out. It looks as though she expected the OP to pay for her, as she has in the past, but when this wasn't offered she decided to pull out. If she doesn't want to make an effort to celebrate a good friend's life events, then she's not really a friend any more imo.

I forgot to say OP YANBU. Is the question now how best to disengage from this person, or do you still want to try and continue this friendship?

Oh cut her loose - she sounds a right bagwash. Who wants someone like that in their lives ?