To not support friends funeral attendance

[Sunflowersforever]

Can someone advise if I'm being off on this one.

Friend has two DC with exH. DC are 22 and 26. Friend has been divorced from ex 15 years, not amicably. Ex remarried after 5 years but there was no OW when they parted.

I've supported friend through numerous 'can you believe what my dick of an ex has done' scenarios and usually she has a point.

So, the exH's mother has died (ex-MIL of friend) and the DC are devastated. My friend is now insisting she should attend the funeral to support the DC. ExH has said no way and he doesn't want her there.

I'm struggling to support her position this time as, no matter how much of a pain the ex was, this is his family not hers and the DC are adults.

She keeps pushing for me to agree and encourage her going, and I've made the sort of right noises to be supportive but can tell she wants me to unequivocally back her.

AIBU? Should I just say yes, she's right and should just turn up?

Dh and I have got strong personalities so I can understand how entrenching yourself in a long term adversarial position happens. When we hadn’t been together long, we had many disputes including a row about who was going to drive because we both loved driving. 😂. Nuts I know.... We’ve both mellowed. Sounds as if they haven’t.

She needs to respect that her ExH doesn't want her there. My mum banned my dads sister from attending her funeral as she knew there is a lot of bad feeling between 2 of my dads sisters, and since she is the one that caused the rift, she was the one not invited. My cousins (her kids) were invited, but aunt threatened to cut them out of her life if they attended, and my dad actually got a really nasty text off my cousin about it that ended all contact from then on between them (all 3 kids) and my dad.

It was a good call, as when my grandma died 18 months later, said sister caused an actual fist fight the day after she passed when they all got together to plan her funeral, right in front of my poor grandad.

A funeral isn't just about paying respects to the person who died (you could quietly attend the grave later/next day etc and pay respects) it is for the family to say their final goodbye. I was a wreck at my mums funeral (i was only 20) and the last thing i needed was someone there my mum didn't like, or who wasn't welcome by immediate family.

Look her in the eye and say “I understand you want to support your kids, but the reality is that the slightest hint of tension between you and ex will add immensely to their upset. However tension is caused and whoever causes it, it will be there because he doesn’t want you there. So however unreasonable you find his position, it will be better, in this instance, to step back, and be there for them afterwards. That is my opinion”