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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not support friends funeral attendance

103 replies

Sunflowersforever · 23/05/2018 23:37

Can someone advise if I'm being off on this one.

Friend has two DC with exH. DC are 22 and 26. Friend has been divorced from ex 15 years, not amicably. Ex remarried after 5 years but there was no OW when they parted.

I've supported friend through numerous 'can you believe what my dick of an ex has done' scenarios and usually she has a point.

So, the exH's mother has died (ex-MIL of friend) and the DC are devastated. My friend is now insisting she should attend the funeral to support the DC. ExH has said no way and he doesn't want her there.

I'm struggling to support her position this time as, no matter how much of a pain the ex was, this is his family not hers and the DC are adults.

She keeps pushing for me to agree and encourage her going, and I've made the sort of right noises to be supportive but can tell she wants me to unequivocally back her.

AIBU? Should I just say yes, she's right and should just turn up?

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 24/05/2018 01:48

(I'm a funeral celebrant). It's actually immensely selfish to insist on going to a funeral when you've been told you're not welcome. To do that means you add to the distress of all the other mourners, because they have to deal with you in addition to handling their own grief. In your friend's case, she may be sad that her XMIL has died, but even if they were on fairly good terms, it's still not about your friend.
If you think your friend is genuinely upset about the loss of her XMIL, maybe you could suggest to her that she has some sort of private and personal farewell to XMIL: gives money to a charity XMIL supported, lights a candle for her, plants a tree or shrub in the garden (with the DC) in memory of their grandmother. In fact, suggesting to her that she does something with her DC to commemorate/mourn the loss of their grandmother, seperate to the funeral, might be the best idea because it acknowledges both they and, to an extent, your friend, have lost someone they cared about - and yet it doesn't mess up the funeral or intrude on the XH's grief (however much of a shit he might have been to your friend, it's his mother who has died and her funeral really, really isn't the time to try to score points.)

CommanderDaisy · 24/05/2018 05:16

I think you should actually take a stand and tell this woman how unreasonable she is being in the circumstances. This is one of those situation where honesty would be more helpful than platitudes.
Her presence will cause distress for a number of people especially when she has been asked not to attend, and she must know that, surely?
She is misguided in thinking her presence will support her children unless they specifically ask her with awareness that her ex doesn't want her there, and you are spot on thinking it is about the ex's family alone.

Actively and gently discourage her.

Sirzy · 24/05/2018 05:29

Normally I would say “what do the children want” but actually asking them would simply put them in a really awkward position.

She needs to find other ways of supporting them which don’t include attending and making it harder for everyone

Nellyphants · 24/05/2018 05:36

Your friend also risks somebody at the funeral asking her why she’s there. I was at the funeral of a woman who ex had left her for the ow. The ow turned up to ‘support the children’. The dead woman’s children, Not her children, teenagers. A good friend of the deceased after the service before the burial went up to the ow & whispered, why don’t F off outa here,

feathermucker · 24/05/2018 06:09

They've been split up for 15 years.

Unless her adult children are insistent that she is there, she has no need or right to go.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/05/2018 06:25

Her children are adults. They don’t need their mother to be there. It’s a grandparent and Death as we age is the natural order of life. Your friend would be vu to even ask them if they want her there.

I agree, keep it neutral and talk about how her children may get more distressed if there are cross words between her and ex’s family than if she stayed away.

Tbh I’d be wondering what she was contributing to the dynamic of the ex being difficult about the kids. They’re adults now.

Does she enjoy the drama?

Rollonweekend · 24/05/2018 06:57

Why does she need you to support and validate her choices? Does she always put herself in the centre of everything and insist on you and others cheering her on from the sidelines?

I hate when people hijack others’ grief and bereavement to make it about themselves. If I were you I’d step out of this and ignore any further whatsapp messages.

JoffreyMonfrere · 24/05/2018 06:59

I absolutely understand why she wants to go- to support her children and pay respects to her former MIL ( you can still wish to do this even if the relationship with her son is long over.) However if the ExH is opposed to her being there, then she must not go. Her DCs will have family members from his side of the family to support them, including their father!
It's ExH's mother fgs- his wishes trump hers in these circumstances.

bluemoonchances · 24/05/2018 07:05

Point out to her that if her mum died and her ex insisted on attending the funeral would she be ok with that?

She's being selfish. Her DC will find it awkward her being there as they'll feel obliged to stand with her when they should be with their father and his family.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 24/05/2018 07:11

She is BU
It’s so selfish . It’s HIS mother . Not hers

Keep reeling as it will
Kick off if she does push it

PlumsGalore · 24/05/2018 07:12

Ask her whether she would want her ex rocking up with the (adult) children when her own parents pass.

I doubt she would.

derxa · 24/05/2018 07:20

Why can't she go and sit at the back? Maybe she just wants to pay her respects.

Sirzy · 24/05/2018 07:22

Because it isn’t about her!

NewYearNewMe18 · 24/05/2018 07:25

If its about paying her own respects, she can slip into the back of the crem/church and out again.

If its about the Grand Show, then no, she doesn't need to be there.

Nikephorus · 24/05/2018 07:29

I think you should actually take a stand and tell this woman how unreasonable she is being in the circumstances. This is one of those situation where honesty would be more helpful than platitudes.
This ^^ If no-one is telling her (apart from ex) that she's being unreasonable then how will she really get it? Tell her that it's ex's mum, not hers, and if she wants to pay respects she can go to the grave when it's all over and do that.

HuckfromScandal · 24/05/2018 07:31

After a very bitter divorce
My ex husband turned up at my fathers funeral
I did not want him there
He was not there to support my children
He was there to be “seen” and I was very very angry about it.
Please ask her not to go.

However - his mother died 10 years prior and he refused to allow my children, who wanted to go, they were 10 and 7 at the time. And so I went against his wishes, and supported my children by taking them. However, they were mich younger and couldn’t get there under their own steam. I am sure he was very angry with me about it, but my children still feel that they did the right thing going.

Mrscaindingle · 24/05/2018 07:31

I'm with you dexra I think the ex is unreasonable to tell her not to go, I tend to think the decision to attends funerals is entirely personal, by the same token I don't think people should be told that they should go either.

I split on bad terms with my ex and want nothing more to do with him other than if I really have to but I would not tell him not to go to my mothers funeral even if I would prefer it if he were not there. He was a big part of my mums life for a long time and I would see it as his decision whether to attend or not.

That being said if I were your friend I wouldn't go, it would cause a scene most likely which would be upsetting for everyone.

YouTheCat · 24/05/2018 07:31

Paying your respects means to the person who has died and also the family. If she attends she is not being respectful of their wishes.

She sounds like she likes to make things all about her.

I went to my exfil's funeral as my exh asked me to attend and my dd was still a teen. If I hadn't been asked, I wouldn't have gone.

I think Reanimated's idea of doing something with the adult dc would be the best way to go.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/05/2018 07:32

Why can’t she go and sit at the back?

The way in which op has portrayed the situation would make me think the friend is into full on drama. Someone creating a WhatsApp group to get all her friends to say “ur kidz, ur rulz hun” isn’t likely to want to surreptitiously sit at the back.

Petalflowers · 24/05/2018 07:36

My sil ex went to his mil funeral, but asked sil first.

greendale17 · 24/05/2018 07:39

So her ex has said your not welcome and she is trying to insist she attends to support her adult DC. She is being a selfish ass.

^This. OP your friend is a nasty piece of work

NukaColaGirl · 24/05/2018 07:45

Oh God my Mum was like this, only me and my siblings were children, and we ended up not going to the funeral because she said if she couldn’t go, neither could we. Still haven’t forgiven her for that.

ExDPs Gran died a few years back, I adored her, she was lovely and she loved me too. Our D.C. were only 5 & 3, I left it to ExDP to decide if he felt out children should go, and after much discussion decided they wouldn’t attend as they were too young. ExDP told me I was very welcome to go the funeral, but as he’d be there with the OW I decided I couldn’t hack being face to face with her at such an upsetting time, and I went to the grave a few weeks later to lay flowers.

I wouldn’t have dreamed of insisting I attend, particularly if ExDP had said I wasn’t welcome.

annandale · 24/05/2018 07:46

I would say something but not on WhatsApp. Something about how when her ex kicks off, the kids will be upset and would she like to meet up instead? Something that makes 'don't go you drama queen' into an acceptable form.

SoupDragon · 24/05/2018 07:47

I think you need to tell her that she is wrong and explain why. Sometimes neitral responses are not the best thing and I think this is one of those occasions. The ex doesn’t want her at the funeral of his mother so she should not go otherwise she is just being an arsehole. She can support their adult DC the rest of the time.

I’m curious as to how she would feel about the ex being at the funeral of one of her parents.

pigmcpigface · 24/05/2018 07:53

It sounds as though your friend is using the situation for a power play, which is completely inappropriate. The last thing anyone should do is to try to muscle in on a funeral when it is clear that they are neither welcome nor invited. It's rude, uncaring and downright disrespectful of the family's grief. She can support her DC in other ways perfectly adequately. They do not need her there to hand-hold.

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