To not support friends funeral attendance

[Sunflowersforever]

Can someone advise if I'm being off on this one.

Friend has two DC with exH. DC are 22 and 26. Friend has been divorced from ex 15 years, not amicably. Ex remarried after 5 years but there was no OW when they parted.

I've supported friend through numerous 'can you believe what my dick of an ex has done' scenarios and usually she has a point.

So, the exH's mother has died (ex-MIL of friend) and the DC are devastated. My friend is now insisting she should attend the funeral to support the DC. ExH has said no way and he doesn't want her there.

I'm struggling to support her position this time as, no matter how much of a pain the ex was, this is his family not hers and the DC are adults.

She keeps pushing for me to agree and encourage her going, and I've made the sort of right noises to be supportive but can tell she wants me to unequivocally back her.

AIBU? Should I just say yes, she's right and should just turn up?

If her DC have asked her to accompany them then I'd say she should go if not then she should stay away.

Unfortunately I don't think that you could say anything to change her mind.

The reality of will be that her children will be with their dad in the car, and on the front pew with the rest of their dad's family there will be NO space for her and nor should their be as she is not family.

I'm sorry for her kids. Yes, they are adults, but if this is the first bereavement they have undergone they will be feeling pretty miserable, and they've also got their mother being an absolute twat.

But appreciate there is nothing OP can do, more than she has already done.

SIBU. I get on ok with my ex-MIL, even go to stay with her from time to time when I'm in that part of the country. And I'm from the sort of culture that expects you to turn up for EVERYBODY's funeral, e.g. last week I went to the funeral of the aunt of the mother of a boy I once taught a few years ago. Even then, I would only turn up to ex-MIL's funeral with the express consent of ex-h & his family.

Technically, it's true that a church funeral is an open event, not invite only, but we do sometimes get ushers/funeral directors to ask people to leave if there's a scene and they'll usually politely escort them out. And, very very occasionally, the police. It's not very nice.

Not the point of the thread, but I am amazed that funerals are public events. I have organised 3 in the last five years and 2 of them were by invite only at the request of the deceased (both cancer, so they could organise what they wanted as they had the time to do so). Obviously I didn't publish any funeral details beforehand, so only the invitees knew when and where the funerals were being held. I would have been very upset if someone/anyone not personally invited had turned up, but it was unlikely.
Op, no she shouldn't go, and you need to be blunt with her.

Although these funeral were at a crem, not a church. Does that make a difference?

Your friend is being very selfish.

Lucisky. My dad’s funeral was at a church so maybe that’s why my mum knew she could rock up. It’s a large, public, full of tourists type church so would be impossible to keep anyone out the building. Obviously the tourists are sensible enough not to come into the chapel part where the funerals take place.

Stupid woman op, she's clearly hellbent on causing upset and has no respect for the grieving relatives.

I think I am swimming against the tide a bit here, but on the assumption that the OP's friend isn't some sort of horrible abuser, can people not put aside their differences for the length of the ceremony and put the deceased first?

I would not object if an ex-GF of my DH came to pay her respects to his mother. Why would I? It's nothing to do with me, who had or has a relationship with her mother. And I don't think it matters that you've not seen someone for a while, I went to the funeral last year of someone who had been my dad's boss, I'd not seen them for years but he came to my dad's funeral, and because he and his wife had helped me out in my early 20s, I went, even though it had been about 20 years since I'd seen them before my dad's funeral.

I do think people should be able to put aside their differences for (how long - 20 minutes? An hour max?). I have recently been to two family funerals and at both funerals a bit of points scoring went on. Totally unnecessary.

His mother not her.

But a funeral is as much about the bereaved as it is the deceased so why would you go if you know that would create massive upset for the immediate family?

An estranged uncle came to a family funeral and it made the whole event so much worse for all of us at a time we didn’t need it and for it it was just about show and seeing what he could get his hands on

If they had no ongoing relationship with exMIL she's BU, her children are adults, if they were little I'd understand it. Does she make everything about her?

SIBU my DM died last year and both mine and DB's ex's came to the funeral but our dc are primary age and DM still had a good relationship with XH and XSil and they both offered a lot of comfort to her in her final weeks and supported DB and I far more than they needed to. Both had asked if we would mind them being there and would have stayed away if we had asked them to.

Unless your friend had actively continued a relationship with her XMil the fact that her XH wants her to stay away should be respected. The loss of a parent is hard and he probably just doesn't have the head space to deal with someone who may be inclined to cause friction.

I dont think she is being a good mother or role model making this about her.
She needs to give her head a wobble. If the ex says no then that is that.

My parents had the most acrimonious divorce evah after my dad went off with a family friend but we found his BIL and SIL sitting on chairs outside the crem. They'd all gone to school together you see, and although my uncle ended up detesting his "wife's sister's former husband" as he referred to him - they'd been best mates for 30 odd years before that and he wanted to be there to pay his respects to him. Didn't want to sit in the same room as the OW, so they went, sat outside and left before she even knew they were there. It was very very thoughtful behaviour considering how bloody awful OW and DF had behaved.

Late update. Friend has now said she won't go. Unfortunately she tagged it as another example of the ex being controlling and her accommodating him, but at least she's not going to make a fool of herself by barging in.

So relieved.

Good. But got to laugh at him being controlling. She’s described herself in this instance. Perhaps he is controlling but not on this.

Or maybe she's always been the one who was controlling. You only ever had her side of the story, after all, and she's shown that she's very good at twisting the truth to gain sympathy.

I have to agree with the other posters that if she sees this as him being controlling and her accommodating then its likely things are the other way around.

As another friend said before, can you imagine what it'll be like when one of the DC gets married.

The DCs are adults, it should be their decision.

I don’t think she should go - upsetting her ex is going to upset her own children even more. If they were very small children I could see a point - but not adults. And especially if she did not keep up a relationship with her ex m’n’law.

When the dc get married it’ll be a disaster. We know she’s controlling in this instance. In what way does she say he’s controlling?

@Mummyoflittledragon that's an interesting question.

In this context, she thinks he's controlling because he was saying where she could and couldn't go.

I didn't know them as a couple. She left him because he was very bloody minded and wouldn't see her point of view. You've probably gathered that she's also like that too.

They were a bad match, really. Very much always at loggerheads and continue to be now. He remarried and she has a long term DP who is much more conciliatory towards her. He's lovely.

It's very much her way of the highway over many things. I do challenge her views though, which can cause friction but not anything huge.

She is good fun and very loyal.