To not support friends funeral attendance

[Sunflowersforever]

Can someone advise if I'm being off on this one.

Friend has two DC with exH. DC are 22 and 26. Friend has been divorced from ex 15 years, not amicably. Ex remarried after 5 years but there was no OW when they parted.

I've supported friend through numerous 'can you believe what my dick of an ex has done' scenarios and usually she has a point.

So, the exH's mother has died (ex-MIL of friend) and the DC are devastated. My friend is now insisting she should attend the funeral to support the DC. ExH has said no way and he doesn't want her there.

I'm struggling to support her position this time as, no matter how much of a pain the ex was, this is his family not hers and the DC are adults.

She keeps pushing for me to agree and encourage her going, and I've made the sort of right noises to be supportive but can tell she wants me to unequivocally back her.

AIBU? Should I just say yes, she's right and should just turn up?

The kids are in their 20s and devastated? Presumably she was quite elderly?

Her dc are adults. She hasn't got a leg to stand on about going. If they were tiny, she might have a point, but they're grown-ups.

She can support them emotionally without being at the service, she can support them practically if they need it by helping them with getting there (although presumably they'll travel in the funeral car? Is she expecting to go in that too?! )

She's so out of line, she needs telling.

I'd reply to her saying something along the lines of:
Hmm, it's a difficult one. I totally understand your need to support them but then if you flipped it the other way round would you want your ex husband turning up at your Mum's funeral or do you think you might find it a bit intrusive? I think if I was in your shoes I would stay away, but you need to make your own decision on this. I'm sorry you're in this situation. x

That's perfect Chubby

Had her children been younger, instead of adults, I would have supported her. She is out of order, and extremely selfish, it's a funeral, not a party.

No she shouldn't go. The "children" are adults.
Their father will be there along with presumably various aunts/uncles.
There will be plenty of people there to support a 26 and 22 year old.

Chubby has a nice way of putting it.

So basically this acrimonious behaviour between them has gone on so long that your friend is happy to use the death of her exes mother to get one over on him?

If your friend is normally not selfish or a twat then i would be honest with her. Shes being so selfish and a shit to a grieving family. Plus her dc are going to feel so torn and even more upset if she goes.

No she shouldn’t go. She needs to forget that it’s her ex who’s telling her she isn’t welcome and respect the fact that if she does she’ll make a painful day worse for the son of the deceased. And probably the grandsons of the deceased who will be stressed about the animosity.
Rather than making it all about her I.e. HER ex being a ‘dick’ and HER sons “needing” her

If her ExH has said she's not welcome, then she should really respect that. Her kids are grown up and don't need her there. YANBU in not agreeing with her, OP.

This is something that I often wonder about. I know should anything happen to il’s dh’s ex will be there publicly grieving. Even though she divorced him over 20 years ago. She’s that kind of person.

I think if she actually wants to go and pay her respects, then she should as the ex if he is ok with it. But she should be mindful- slip in at the back and first out. No hanging around.

The ex should be supporting the dc. It is their shared grief. If he asks her to stay away, she should respect that.

Just do nothing. If she asks you directly, say that you don’t think she’s genuinely asking you for your opinion on a decision she’s about to make but is just looking for cheerleaders to support a decision she’s already made. And in this case, you’re putting down your pom-poms.

Don’t get into it, don’t tell her you think she’s wrong. Just decline to cheer on a decision she’s already made.

She's making it all about her, very selfish behaviour. To behave like this at a funeral she's been told not to attend takes the biscuit. Who the hell does she think she is?
On a different note, at my sister's wedding there was a strange woman flitting around taking photos at the church. It turned out it was the ex wife, unbelievable behaviour imo.

Tell her the truth. She shouldn't be there.
A good friend shouldn't always agree just for the sake it.

It would be very selfish of your friend to go to this funeral. Her ex doesn't want her there and her DC are adults so don't need her to be there. It sounds as if she's insisting on going because she knows he doesn't want her to, in other words to spite him.

This is a scenario where you have potentially got the ability to stop some horrible drama unfolding at a funeral/upsetting a bereaved son. I don't understand why you would just be neutral, are you scared of your friend or worried about being the only one who disagrees? Just politely say "I've been thinking about it a lot actually, and I am not sure it's the right thing to do. XYZ is an arse at times I know, but it's a day about his mother and therefore him, your children are old enough to go by themselves and I don't think it's appropriate if you go". To me friendship is about honesty. The only person who will look bad if your friend goes is her, and I would want to prevent that.

The ‘DC’ aren’t children, they are adults. One of them is almost as old as me and I am pregnant with my fourth child and have a career ffs. They can handle a funeral on their own, in fact they will have their DF and his family there so won’t be completely alone. She doesn’t need to attend.

She’s wrong.

My mother insisted on coming to my dads funeral even though I asked her not to. They’d been divorced for years and she had been horrible to him. But she is a total drama lama and loves being the centre of attention. I said it was upsetting for me but more so for my step mother.

My mum still came, said we couldn’t stop her as funerals are public event not guest list only. At the time I had been getting on ok with er but am now NC with her and this was one of the straws which broke the camels back.

Her DC in the long term won’t appreciate that she has caused extra upset for their dad when he is grieving.

Thanks everyone. Lots of good advice and more or less unanimous positions.

I'm going to use @chubbymummy phrasing to gently question how she would feel if it was the other way round and advise against it then leave it. Taking up far too much of my headspace now.

Did like the 'putting down the Pom Poms' comment from a previous poster though

Gave my thoughts, in a watered down way admittedly. Didn't make any difference. She's drawn the battle lines and going to go regardless. She may change her mind by next week, who can tell.

I'm done and keeping out of it now.

Thanks again for those who took the time to post. Very helpful.

Not your circus, not your monkey. (I repeat this to myself frequently re people round me. :-))

Think you're correct and have done all you can. Let her get on with it now, can see it ending badly tho.

I think you've done the right thing OP. My Mum wanted to go to my grandparents funerals (her ex in laws) and was so offended both times when she was told by my Dad that he didn't want her there. My mum and dad had been divorced for years and she couldn't stand my grandparents when she was with my Dad so I don't know why she wanted to go.

Yanbu she should back off, and not interfere. Ex does not want her there, they are adults, there is no need for her to be there.

I don't think the wider family will appreciate her there.

YANBU! She shouldn’t go. She doesn’t need to support her ADULT children who will be supported by their other family members anyhow.

She needs to be a proper adult here. Someone who her adult children care about has died AND someone who they care for is in pain. He does not want to have her there (history? Stubbornness it doesn't matter). She needs to send flowers / a card or donation in line with the family wishes and not go. Good luck op. She sounds quite stubborn in nature.