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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this rude or AIBU?

86 replies

Chelseapool · 23/05/2018 19:17

Family member has had a baby, I messaged to say congrats and to let me know when convenient to make a short visit with gifts. Was told they'd rather not have a visit yet as they were recovering from CS but they then are seen out in local restaurant and shopping with baby etc.

Are they rude or am I being over sensitive? It's been many years since I have my child but I do remember being happy to have visitors, especially family.

What is the new baby visiting protocol now? Perhaps I'm just old fashioned and am prepared to be told I am!

OP posts:

TeenTimesTwo · 23/05/2018 19:24

over sensitive

ILikeMyChickenFried · 23/05/2018 19:26

According to mumsnet you shouldn't visit anyone with a newborn baby

Sirzy · 23/05/2018 19:28

I can see why you are miffed, but going out can be a spur of the moment “I could do with some time out” type thing when feeling up to it whereas visitors generally takes more planning so if your feeling knackered it becomes a chore. Drop the present off and then arrange to visit in a few weeks

donquixotedelamancha · 23/05/2018 19:28

Are they rude or am I being over sensitive?
Hugely oversensitive. I'd brace yourself from some less diplomatic synonyms for this.

What is the new baby visiting protocol now?
Whatever the new parents say it is. I mean, frankly that's the protocol about whether or not you can visit anyone, but far more so when they've just had a baby.

Pengggwn · 23/05/2018 19:29

'Seen out'? By whom?

I don't think you are necessarily being over sensitive; it's possible they don't want you to visit. No offence!

Chocolatecake12 · 23/05/2018 19:30

Don’t read too much into this. Maybe a restaurant meal saved them from cooking, maybe they needed a change of scenery.
They may not have had time to clean up at home and might just want to entertain visitors just yet.
I agree that I loved visitors so I could off my baby but not everyone’s the same!

paxillin · 23/05/2018 19:30

You have finally met a mnetter in RL! I always wondered who these baby quarantiners are. Shrug it off and wait for them to contact you when they are ready.

TidyDancer · 23/05/2018 19:30

They are rude. They only needed to say 'we'll let you know when we have some free time, will be lovely to see you' etc. They made this situation something it didn't need to be.

Slapbetcommissioner · 23/05/2018 19:31

It's a bit different having a relaxing meal out and having to host people.

Chocolatecake12 · 23/05/2018 19:31

*show off my baby

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 23/05/2018 19:31

Yabu they have just had a baby, they want time alone to bond with their baby and each other and to get into a routine band to enjoy the first days of their new baby before all the visitors descend on them,

Can't believe you would think they are being rude, and of course they will be seen at restaurants and buying shopping, they do have to eat..

Respect their wishes and allow them the time/space they need

Original poster

Chelseapool · 23/05/2018 19:32

Somehow I can't help but think they don't want me to visit either! Can't understand why though, this is a much younger family member who I have been hugely generous to over the years without as much as a Christmas card back. Maybe it's time for a rethink!

OP posts:

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 23/05/2018 19:32

*and...not band

iklboo · 23/05/2018 19:33

The meal out / shopping may have been on the way back from a doctor or clinic appointment, maybe.

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 23/05/2018 19:33

Have other family members and friends been to visit them?

Melliegrantfirstlady · 23/05/2018 19:34

How old is the baby?

Aprilmightbemynewname · 23/05/2018 19:34

Imo people should be happy others give a flying fig about seeing their new baby!!

redcarbluecar · 23/05/2018 19:37

Probably no need to read too much into this. Bide your time, send card/gift or whatever and visit when the time’s right.

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 · 23/05/2018 19:39

You are being over sensitive . Many new parents would rather you didn't visit for 2 to 3 weeks unless you are the new baby's grandparent. They need time to get to know their baby and adjust to life without feeling like the house has to be immaculate, and running around making tea and coffee for visitors.

Of course they need to go out food shopping etc too. Yabu

themightycrayon · 23/05/2018 19:40

Oversensitive. I have a one-year old and I had certain family (my mother and DH's mother only) visit right away after the birth, but with the understanding that the house was an absolute tip. They offered to help and they brought food, which was lovely as I wasn't able to cook at all at first (probably their reason for eating out, too).

I wouldn't worry, OP. They likely refused because they don't want to worry about trying to clean, which you can't with a CS really, and they're just not comfortable for you to see the state of things. I'm ashamed to admit we did a bunch of takeaway/eating out because I couldn't handle cooking at first, and we also had to buy some new things for nursing/the baby that just couldn't wait (but we hadn't realized we needed).

Drop off the gift with her mother or mail it for now, and include a note saying how pleased you are for them, etc.

PeapodBurgundy · 23/05/2018 19:42

I can see both sides of this. I NEEDED to get out of the house the day after I had DS. I went to town before DP was even awake with DS and DM. I found visitors overwhelming and draining for weeks afterwards. The having to get tidied up, get myself and DS looking presentable, then sorting teas and coffees etc, cleaning up after people had left. Breastfeeding took us 12 weeks to even vaguely get on top of (tongue tie and CMPI), the last thing I needed was the line of people taking him away from me as 'he's just had a feed' and telling me to just put him on formula. Their kids running riot unchecked, opening and breaking DS's toys, which he hadn't even played with himself yet being a matter of hours/days old and just generally trashing my house. Every aspect of my parenting was criticised by a string of people in my home, some of whom I'd never even met before, breathing their smoky breath all over my baby.

Due number 2 in August. It's NOT happening this time. I'll have visitors when we're ready and not a moment before. Strangers WILL NOT be landing as if I have a new dolly they want to play with.

I can see how it may seem hurtful from the outside, but try to remember that not everyone takes to motherhood like a duck to water. Some of us are sore (8 lots of stitches), weepy and overwhelmed, and can't face people in our safe space right away. Getting a bit of fresh air or a bite to eat on your own terms is an entirely different kettle of fish. If I was the friend, it wouldn't be anything personal to you, it would be me trying to find my way as a Mam, and I'd still value your friendship, and want your visit to come at a time I can actually enjoy it :-)

HollowTalk · 23/05/2018 19:42

But I don't know anyone like that, Hectic! I don't know anyone who wouldn't mind a quick visit to see the baby and drop off a present. Obviously not in the first few days, but after that, everyone I know would think that's fine.

BeyondThePage · 23/05/2018 19:42

they are a bit rude - why could they just not say "maybe in a week or so", "feeling a bit sore", whatever...

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 23/05/2018 19:44

Somehow I can't help but think they don't want me to visit either!
I would probably draw this conclusion and quietly not bother with more than minimal contact in future. It does sound ungrateful but she may just feel a bit overwhelmed and not want to have to sit and make conversation. Also sometimes unwanted generosity can feel quite controlling when you are on the receiving end of it, however lovely the benefactor’s intention.

Mycatsarebetterthanyours · 23/05/2018 19:45

Oversensitive.

When my baby was a newborn I could face popping out to the shops and getting food but I actually found it really exhausting making conversation and generally being remotely hospitable, even if people came for a v.short time, so the new mum could be feeling the same way I did.

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