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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this rude or AIBU?

86 replies

Chelseapool · 23/05/2018 19:17

Family member has had a baby, I messaged to say congrats and to let me know when convenient to make a short visit with gifts. Was told they'd rather not have a visit yet as they were recovering from CS but they then are seen out in local restaurant and shopping with baby etc.

Are they rude or am I being over sensitive? It's been many years since I have my child but I do remember being happy to have visitors, especially family.

What is the new baby visiting protocol now? Perhaps I'm just old fashioned and am prepared to be told I am!

OP posts:
DuchyDuke · 23/05/2018 19:46

They were definitely rude. To ill from a CS to see you, but happy to traipse around town with a newborn? Just take it as a hint to go no contact.

Nanny0gg · 23/05/2018 19:47

Also sometimes unwanted generosity can feel quite controlling when you are on the receiving end of it,

I've read it all now.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 23/05/2018 19:49

Oh, don't be daft.

If they say yes to everyone who wants to visit they'll be hosting people round the clock - that's how it is with a newborn, and it is tiring.

You did ask them to let you know when was convenient. They probably assumed you were being thoughtful and took you at your word.

firawla · 23/05/2018 19:49

To be honest I do think they are a bit rude! They could have just kept the visit fairly short if not feeling up to it, but to say no visitors at all I do find a bit “off” although I know so many mners do seem to go down that route. I get why you would feel hurt by this

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 23/05/2018 19:55

Nanny you obviously haven’t ever been on the receiving end of gifts from people who continually use these as a means of control then. It happens.

PeapodBurgundy · 23/05/2018 19:57

Agree, it does Slightly. A few years ago, I'd have thought you were mad, but fingers have been burned. It's a pity.

Pansy0926 · 23/05/2018 19:58

I feel like your making this all about you. They’ve just has a baby ffs, and your sitting around being a drama queen about it. How many people do you think are just turning up at their place and expecting an audience (at least you asked before turning up tho). You don’t know whether everything is ok, does the mum feel down or have undiagnosed PND? Maybe there’s stress on their relationship...stuff like that happens and you can barely process it at the time let alone think to let others know that everything is not ok.

Just step back and try not to take it personally. They’re in the middle of a huge life event, and rude tho it might seem, they probably don’t have head space to think about you at all. And you shouldn’t take offence at that. Maybe a gentle reminder that you’d like to visit in a weeks time. Some people have it easier than others when it comes to life with a new baby.

Your acting like they are obligated to spend their energy on you, and god forbid they ha e a nice meal out together as a new family before attending to your needs. You’ve been generous to them in the past, but it seems you have had an agenda and now expect them to pay it back by hosting you before they are ready?

Sorry I think I am overreacting a little tbh but you do remind me of one of those interfering old busy body relatives that are over dramatic and make everything about them. Just how badly do you need to see this baby ASAP? I wouldn’t get so worked up about it, they will have a lot on their plate and they should be excused for not thinking of everybody else at this point.

Original poster
Chelseapool · 23/05/2018 20:00

I can't absolutely guarantee I've never used gifts as a means of control at all, I've just been a very generous great aunt with no strings attached.
The baby is about 2.5 weeks old now so yes, it is early days, perhaps I'm expecting too much.

OP posts:
Pansy0926 · 23/05/2018 20:02

At 2.5 weeks I would say it’s acceptable to give a weekly reminder that your dying to meet the new baby. Sorry it sounded like it was still within the first ten days or something.

sherazade · 23/05/2018 20:03

I was very happy to 'traipse around town' with my newborns. Walking around shops felt mind numbing and distracting from the PTSD and PND. I felt like me again for a brief moment as couldn't bear being in the house listening to the baby cry and being confined to the sofa . I found they were generally happier out and about and even if they did scream and cry it seemed so much less daunting loud amidst the hustle and bustle . And no, I didn't want visitors . Making small talk and cups of tea ( felt even worse when they offered to make it themselves as the kitchen was a tip and I had to keep getting up anyway to tell them where things were) when all I wanted was to talk to nobody , was horribly disconcerting and awkward.
I don't get why you would judge anyone for this .i felt particularly vulnerable, weepy and anti social post Natalie. Doesn't mean I should have confined myself to the four walls for fear of offending anyone .

donquixotedelamancha · 23/05/2018 20:04

You have finally met a mnetter in RL! I always wondered who these baby quarantiners are.

Eh? All my friends have had babies in the last 5 years, but not one wanted visitors immediately. You might feel differently after yours, but I just can't imagine how anyone could be surprised that some people wouldn't want it.

If you ring someone and ask to visit, and they say it isn't convenient (for whatever reason), they are not being rude.

Original poster
Chelseapool · 23/05/2018 20:04

No, I won't be giving a weekly reminder, I'll drop the gifts to my niece to pass on to great niece. The little boy will have outgrown the clothes otherwise!

OP posts:
greendale17 · 23/05/2018 20:05

YANBU

They are rude. They only needed to say 'we'll let you know when we have some free time, will be lovely to see you' etc. They made this situation something it didn't need to be.

^This

eileandonan · 23/05/2018 20:06

I would be miffed too Chelseapool popping along to visit your great niece/nephew isn't a big ask when there 2 weeks old. Its not like you have invited yourself over when they have arrived home from hospital! I have had 2 CS and didn't stop me accepting visitors or family. It was a welcome break to see some adults! Looks like your niece doesn't view you as close family so I would leave her to get on with it.

seven201 · 23/05/2018 20:17

I didn't even let my own aunt visit until my dd was about a month! I found the whole hosting visitors thing annoying and knackering. You're being massively over sensitive. Wait a few weeks and ask if you can pop by. Everyone is different. Some people love lots of visitors, others want time to bond as a new family.

MumofBoysx2 · 23/05/2018 20:18

I suppose if you think about it the shopping for baby stuff could have been a really urgent trip (nappies, or something they just didn't think of getting before that they need), and the meal may have been a private little family celebration to welcome the baby. They are probably shattered, and want to feel a little more normal before receiving visitors. Don't take it personally!

robotcartrainhat · 23/05/2018 20:25

Oversensitive.
I went out before I accepted visitors. I was an absolute state and couldnt actually sit down in the cafe I went to due to injuries.. had to sort of half lie across a bench.... But just needed to get out of the house into fresh air. Was only out with my husband and baby so did not have to pretend to be able to string a conversation together....
Its actually far more difficult to have visitors and feel under pressure to entertain than it is to just go out to eat where you can sit in silence with your partner who isnt going to question why you are sobbing into your dinner or unable to speak

Loonoon · 23/05/2018 20:27

Over sensitive I think. She might have been feeling low or hormonal when they responded to you and then later felt better and decidied to seize the moment before it passed.

robotcartrainhat · 23/05/2018 20:29

and if you have PND or PTSD or even severe injuries it is quite helpful to try and get outside otherwise it can exacerbate depression...
Its not helpful to be under pressure to actually entertain or host visitors.
Its very different being out with your partner who you may trust completely and be able to break down in front of.
Its humiliating to do that in front of guests even if they are family... so I understand why someone who has suffered injury or trauma during childbirth may put off visitors but still go out with their partner and child.

PieAndPumpkins · 23/05/2018 20:29

Seems a bit strange between family, but then people can be precious. If the mum is well enough to go out yet not receiving visitors (or you maybe - sorry) it is purely an excuse, undeniably.

GalwayWayfarer · 23/05/2018 20:29

I think you're being a bit oversensitive. A c-section is major surgery on top of caring for a newborn! Plus it doesn't take too much for them to go out once or twice, but saying yes to every visitor could leave them totally run ragged.

4GreenApples · 23/05/2018 20:30

I can understand feeling a bit miffed at not being allowed to visit.

But it’s not necessarily about not wanting to see you, it may be about something else - e.g. like maybe the house is a tip, tidying/cleaning is difficult due to the new baby / c-section combination, and they’re embarrassed to let people see it?

Lethaldrizzle · 23/05/2018 20:35

Yanbu. I never had any restrictions or rules about visitors. I was always happy to have people come and prod the new baby as soon as I arrived home. It's only since joining mumsnet that I find I may have been in the minority!

butlerswharf · 23/05/2018 20:38

I think you're being over sensitive. We refused guests for the first week or two but we were certainly out and about with the baby during that time.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 23/05/2018 20:46

They’re rude. It wouldn’t have entered my head to make a formal announcement as to when visitors would be welcome.