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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this rude or AIBU?

86 replies

Chelseapool · 23/05/2018 19:17

Family member has had a baby, I messaged to say congrats and to let me know when convenient to make a short visit with gifts. Was told they'd rather not have a visit yet as they were recovering from CS but they then are seen out in local restaurant and shopping with baby etc.

Are they rude or am I being over sensitive? It's been many years since I have my child but I do remember being happy to have visitors, especially family.

What is the new baby visiting protocol now? Perhaps I'm just old fashioned and am prepared to be told I am!

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 23/05/2018 20:50

I'm going with rude. But on Mumsnet visiting anyone with a baby under 12 months is the height of insensitivity and rudeness.

chocolatesun · 23/05/2018 20:55

I think you’re being over sensitive. It is their time to be selfish and focus on their needs and the baby’s. It’s not about you. Maybe they feel they’d need to get the house straight, etc, if you were visiting. Just let it go.

sherazade · 23/05/2018 20:58

I think you're either fine with visitors shortly after birth or not . Some posters have described it really well- that feeling where you're talking to someone but sobbing inside . You don't want to be using up that emotional energy answering questions about the birth . You might , as a pp said, be crying into your dinner or just unable to talk. I remember the pain and agony of having visitors - 3 of them- turn up at the door . They looked happy and their happiness was so stark against my depression it made me sink even lower. Their cooing over the baby made me feel like a failure instead of cheering me up. I just wanted to sit with my husband and not have to talk , smile or appear happy .

Tatiebee · 23/05/2018 20:58

Lots of Dad's only get two weeks paternity leave so perhaps they are just enjoying some precious time together for now.

IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens · 23/05/2018 21:00

I was like. I was happy to go out and about but I could go home if I wanted, could sit down, etc.

But being stuck in the house, sitting on my sore fanny, breastfeeding in front of random awkward relatives just gave me the panic.

DH was on pat leave for 3.5 weeks so we tried to just have some us time the .

BertrandRussell · 23/05/2018 21:00

Oh, bollocks. Babies belong in families. Babies need to be loved and worshipped by loads of people. Elephants understand this- why don't people?

BertrandRussell · 23/05/2018 21:01

And if anyone mentions leaking I will scream.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 23/05/2018 21:02

3 and a half weeks leave and you needed it all “just for us”??
Odd in the extreme.

Cherrysherbet · 23/05/2018 21:02

I think it was rude of them op. It's only natural that people will want to visit, and it's part of welcoming a new little person into the family. I've had three babies, and was pleased to introduce each of them to my friends and family. I would never have said they couldn't visit. I think they're being very precious about the whole thing.

MilkAndCookies1 · 23/05/2018 21:04

How is it rude?
I had to take my newborn DD to hospital 3x day for antibiotics and therefore informed all visitors that we would contact them in a few weeks when we were ready for visitors.
That didn’t stop us taking the baby on short trips out for coffee and lunches in the 2 hour slots in between hospital visits.
Let them enjoy their baby and their close time together. You are not important in their grand scheme of things at the moment and correctly so!

Foodylicious · 23/05/2018 21:06

I think you just need to get your head around this absolutely not being about you.

Don't over think what their motives might or might not be, or try to second guess is they are struggling/being selfish or anything at all really.

It is just simply about them and how they choose to spend their time in the early weeks

Sure they won't want you to feel offended.

IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens · 23/05/2018 21:07

Some of that time was in the NICU cheers

Takes a bit of self-care and recovery. Also it wasn't just us- we have a large family so didn't manage to see everyone by 2.5 weeks at all.

I needed more company once DH was back at work. Totally standard.

starday · 23/05/2018 21:12

What kind of guest are you ?

My husbands extended family were lovely - vists that were reasonable length, 1 to 2 hrs. Whereas my family & extended, would ask to come and stay for hours ! I could write if the day and was genuinely exhausted and struggling to get to grips with breast feeding. And really didn't need to make countless cups of tea

SaucyJack · 23/05/2018 21:20

Have you tried inviting them round to yours for a proper meal?

Some people find it easier to go out, than to stay in and have to tidy up and host.

I know I did.

SoapOnARoap · 23/05/2018 21:24

Sorry however, YABU

MirriVan · 23/05/2018 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedForFilth · 23/05/2018 22:12

I loved showing off my new baby! I had family round...they all know me well enough to know if they made comments about an untidy house they wouldn't be invited back. I loved seeing my loved ones with my new baby.

My sister however hated people holding her eldest for longer than a minute. People are just different!

RedForFilth · 23/05/2018 22:18

Posters saying other people aren't important after having a baby are ridiculous. I bet you think they're important when you need a babysitter

BellyBean · 23/05/2018 22:29

The first 2 weeks I had a midwife or hospital appt every other day (heel prick took 3 goes), plus immediate family visits meant dh and I only got a couple of days to ourselves with dc before he went back to work.

Visit from great aunt would probably slip my mind to organise. Perhaps mention you'll pass the gifts onto your niece unless she's free for an hour next week.

Pansy0926 · 24/05/2018 01:39

“I won’t be giving weekly reminders...il pass gifts on...”

Sure, pass the gifts on, but forgive me I thought this was about visiting the baby and parents? You don’t want to do that now? You don’t want to keep asking to visit because you won’t have a chance to be there in person while they coo over your gifts, it sounds like.

What really gets to me is that line about rethinking things as they’ve never returned a card to thank you for your presents etc...after all these years if that really bothered you you should have stopped sending the gifts. But now is the time your rethinking your generosity? Weird.

I think this may be a generational thing too. PND was not so much of a thing talked about in previous generations and mums were expected to be a good hostess and think of politeness and putting on a good show for friends and family. These days there has recently been much to do about mental health and particularly young people are more aware of poor mental health and so the focus is more on supporting the new parents rather than having expectations. For myself, I was a bit taken aback at how elderly neighbours and distant relatives would shoulder their way into my house whenever they pleased to see the new baby, at any time of the day without phoning ahead. I was not inclined to say anything, but I did notice that no one under the age of forty behaved this way, and instead turned up with food and offers of help after phoning ahead and sending messages offering to buy groceries or nappies etc.

It seems you are of the set which expect to be hosted, as you probably might have done for others when you had your own kids, whereas your young relative doesn’t realise that they are offending you...but tbh it’s hard to find sympathy.

Mummyduck10 · 24/05/2018 01:42

Maybe closer relatives haven't yet met the baby

Nat6999 · 24/05/2018 02:25

I don't know about your family member, but after going 60 hours in Labour with pre eclampsia & then having am emergency CS & spending a further 48 hours in high dependency as I was very poorly, the last thing I wanted was visitors when I finally got home. All my then DH family started trooping in before 10.00 the next morning, not even taking the hint of the midwife calling as a cue to leave. I was knackered, still in shock of what had happened over the last week, bleeding heavily & in pain from my section & I was expected to sit & make polite conversation while they all played pass the baby, what I really wanted was to be left in peace to figure out what my new baby needed & rest to rebuild my strength & sanity. My son is an only child, but if I had my time again I would make sure that I was left alone in peace with my baby so we could get to know each other & stuff everyone else, they could all wait until the time was right.

BertrandRussell · 24/05/2018 07:00

I wish I'd realised that having a baby gives you the right to be as rude as you like! Is it too late now-mine are 17 and 22,...

Booie09 · 24/05/2018 07:09

I had a c section and was kept in hospital for four days I got out on a Thursday and my mum and dad came down to stay on the Friday, this sounds really awful but I wished the would have come down a few days later because I was knackered, who really sleeps in hospital and wish I had a few days on our own, even if it was to go into town. Why are you making this about you give them some space.

Fighternotalover · 24/05/2018 07:10

She's not being rude! I had a few visitors in the first couple of weeks but only people I was super comfortable with and didn't mind seeing me cry in pain when I walked to the bathroom, with no makeup on and unwashed hair.

In the moments that I felt ok I went out with partner and baby, yes to shop etc because if I hadn't I would have gone stir crazy stuck inside!

My partner also only had 2 weeks off. Yes it was important to spend as much time together as a family before he went back to work, but also wanted to do first outings with him around so I didn't feel completely overwhelmed doing things alone!

Baby is now 8 weeks and anyone can pop over whenever they want.

Be patient and wait until she is feeling up for visitors. The baby isn't an exhibition in a museum for people to gawp at because they think they have the right as family. First few weeks are so precious for Mum and Dad. You will be invited round when it suits them. Not you.

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