snoring

[senioritabonita]

I know a lot of people snore, I know they can't help it.

The question is WTF can be done about it and whose problem is it - the snorer or the poor bastard being woken.

We have a tiny house and it's very difficult to find somewhere else to sleep. He is 6foot 6 and has a bad back, I have arthritis and sleeping on the sofa/floor is not an option.

AIBU to think he should make an effort to sort this out or he should sleep elsewhere?

Has anyone actually managed to resolve a snoring problem?

I am so tried :(

[FrangipaniBlue]

I had surgery to correct my snoring, combined with weight loss and it's now no longer an issue (unless I have a cold or something).

[LiteraryDevil]

I found a great cure for snoring-I left the bastard Seriously though, I did leave him for many reasons of which snoring was one. He did get a refer to a specialist and was having investigations including a sleep study but I ended it before I found out his diagnosis. 99% sure he had sleep apnoea though.
You say he's depressed. Sleep apnoea and depression go hand in hand so push him for a referral. Snoring destroys relationships and it's destroying yours.
My ex even bought me £25 ear plugs but I could still hear him and they hurt my ears so much I couldn't tolerate them.
My stbexh used to snore too and I wore ear plugs but would sheets hear the babies/children through them but they blocked him out.
Hope he gets sorted

[LiteraryDevil]

Just read your update about the cuddling. Fuck that. He only wants affection when he thinks he might get sex from the sounds of that. I couldn't live like this. And what whatif said is so true. The bed to yourself, peace and quiet, relaxed, not stressed etc. Every night. Bliss. Sheer bloody bliss.

[FullOfJellyBeans]

I am starting to feel that his behaviour is selfish and I am not a horrible bitch for not wanting him to maul me when I want to sleep.

Of course you're not, he's totally disregarding your feelings.

[senioritabonita]

So, last night I went slightly berserk and got angry and after a trying to ignore me for a while he then apologised, set up the sleep app and promised to contact the dr today. Then of course he hardly snored at all last night and slept on his side. He took this as a sign his snoring isn't so bad, I told him I took it as a sign he had a degree of control over it and had slept on his side.

I will see :(

Thanks for all the help

[whatifwhatifhwhatif]

Hi OP

Why can't he just take your word for it about his snoring? Does he think you are making it up? Why does he keep battling with you about it?! I am infuriated on your behalf, OP.

He is now using this app as "proof" his snoring isn't that bad, and I imagine will not follow up with the doctor because of it (lets see later today whether he does call the doctor).

Did you at least manage to get a good night's sleep?

[LiteraryDevil]

I recorded my ex snoring so he could hear how bad it was and he was appalled and thought he sounded disgusting.

[whatifwhatifhwhatif]

I recorded my ex snoring, when I became desperate for him to understand and do something about it. He said I was out of order and then shrugged it off.

One of the many reasons he's my ex.

[senioritabonita]

I feel really low today.
I've come to a realisation that he's much more difficult than I thought. I've had a few threads over the last few months and it all comes back to him being utterly passive about our relationship, his life, everything.
Thanks so much for all the advice, very much appreciated

[whatifwhatifhwhatif]

So sorry you are feeling so low, senorita

Are you considering leaving him? sounds as though his snoring is just the tip of the iceberg.

[senioritabonita]

Yes, the snoring is the tip of the iceberg.

I've had a few threads over the last few months and some incredibly insightful responses. The word 'passive' has come up again and again. Passiveness leading to passive aggressive behaviour.

He's text me this morn reiterating that he did't snore and it won't be a problem. I replied 'It is a problem for me, and you need to do something about it if you want to share a bed with me"

His response: "You want me to move out of the room. Who would want to be married to a retarded loser cunt like me?"

It's exhausting.

[whatifwhatifhwhatif]

OP

Please. Get rid of the retarded loser cunt.

[whatifwhatifhwhatif]

Honestly op. You don't deserve to be exhausted and putting up with this shit. What a waste of life. You'd be so much happier on your own, of that I am absolutely certain. Imagine the freedom of this bullshit.

[senioritabonita]

Thanks Whatif. I am thinking things thru which will take me a while. I've had a few revelations like this over the last year, I've been very misguided.

[whatifwhatifhwhatif]

keep posting here to sound things off, sometimes it can really help. I found the support of MN a life saver x

[NWQM]

Just wanted to say OP that I ended up really depressed because of lack of sleep - a large part of which was my husband’s snoring. It wasn’t everything but as you’ve described his attitude didn’t help. His is very affected by his weight. I resented every biscuit in the end and room it personally. We are in a better place now. Keep talking if and when it helps - We are here for you.

[goose1964]

Have you tried to record him and play it back to him. I didn't believe my husband when he said how bad my snoring was, l was referred by my GP to sleep study and was diagnosed with sleep apnoea. Although it mainly affects the overweight it's not always the case. I now have a CPAP machine and never audibly snore, although the machine identifies any episode it resolved.

Does he get tired during the day and fall asleep in seconds, if so he needs to see a GP

[soapboxqueen]

I think he sounds like an arse. My dh used to snore, like it reverberated around the house. It worse when he drank which used to Piss me off because it was like he didn't care.

In the end I noticed he struggled to breath at times. I told him this and instigated an almost miraculous call to the doctor. He never calls the doctor. He had a study done and now has a cpap machine. Doesn't snore anymore. Unless he's been drinking.

[teddyclown]

Anyone that snores, I would urge you to get checked for sleep apnoea. I snored for years and my husband remarked on countless occasions that not only did I snore, but that I also stopped breathing momentarily. I pooh-poohed his concerns and just ignored it, but mentioned it to the doctor last year.
Result was that I was sent for a 'sleep study' and the outcome was sleep apnoea. I've since found out just how serious this condition is. There's a Facebook sleep apnoea uk group which I have joined.
I've been on cpap treatment since last October and feel so much better now - and the snoring has completely stopped.
I am convinced that there are many, many people living with undiagnosed sleep apnoea - and anyone with snoring problem really, really should get themselves checked.

[senioritabonita]

He slept on his side and didn't snore at all again last night - which shows that he does have a degree of control over it.

I am so pissed off. I have a week off with the kids next week and can't wait - I need some time off work to get my thoughts together.

It's the passivity that is the problem - he tries to make everything my responsibility :(

[whatifwhatifhwhatif]

You keep coming back to his passivity, OP. It is really bringing you down. This is his personality though, and that won't change. At some point you will have to make a decision - live with this for the rest of your days...or leave.

Glad things are better on the snoring side of things and I hope you managed some shut eye the past two nights. It's funny how he's managing to control it now?? How can you control movements / snoring when you are asleep? Strange.

In any case, personally I couldn't live with someone like this. I did once, and I learned a valuable lesson. There is nothing so unattractive, draining and frustrating than living with someone who has zero input or interest in your lives together, or indeed life itself. And him trying to shove all the responsibility onto you

He sounds like a selfish (and rather boring) child. Ugh.

[senioritabonita]

Yes, I keep coming back to it - that is the root problem. I could live with a snorer actively working to resolve it. I am an incredibly tolerant person but I am not responsible for him and his health etc. I am putting together a list of non negotiable changes and it is breaking my heart a bit.

He looks a bit confused and keep trying to force the status quo but I'm exhausted and need a change.

[senioritabonita]

He is selfish - but also selfless. It's hard to explain. All his faults are things he doesn't do:
wont get help for MH
wont get resolve snoring
ignores me
forgets what he's supposed to do
wont take responsibility

the good points are in many ways also things he doesn't do:
loyal - never looked at another woman
doesn't waste money
doesn't have expensive/time consuming hobbies
doesn't go away/out a lot
doesn't drink


etc etc - I literally cant believe I didn't notice this - we've been together 25 years. How can I have been so blind? I thought it was the depression, now I am not even sure he was depressed - just passive.

arrggg

thanks for your kindness, its helped me so much.

[whatifwhatifhwhatif]

Sorry op, this isn't a kind thing to say but he sounds like a bit of a non entity

The good things you list are standard things.

[senioritabonita]

exactly

He is extremely handsome and was a fitness model for years so there is always that!
And he is very kind to children and elderly people.
Yes, I realise it's not great....