snoring

[senioritabonita]

I know a lot of people snore, I know they can't help it.

The question is WTF can be done about it and whose problem is it - the snorer or the poor bastard being woken.

We have a tiny house and it's very difficult to find somewhere else to sleep. He is 6foot 6 and has a bad back, I have arthritis and sleeping on the sofa/floor is not an option.

AIBU to think he should make an effort to sort this out or he should sleep elsewhere?

Has anyone actually managed to resolve a snoring problem?

I am so tried :(

[senioritabonita]

I just googled and it seems that the Fluoxitine he has been taking for years and years can have deeper sleep and snoring as a side effect. FFS. I realise I sound cold and unsympathetic but I am generally kind, I am just sick of this.

[whatifwhatifhwhatif]

senioritabonita - you deserve better.

If you want to leave, you can. It's within your power.

Just imagine not having to think about this. Imagine climbing into a big bed, being able to stretch out and smile to yourself...knowing you are going to get a good nights sleep...again! This is me every night since i split with ex. It's the most amazing feeling in the world. My mental health has magically restored itself. I don't feel angry or resentful and anxious every single day and night, I'm not absolutely shattered. I feel like me again.

If your DH had a different attitude I would not be saying all this but it really saddens me to read your posts. If he was doing something, anything, to try and sort these issues out, I would have a different stance. He sounds very selfish and it doesn't seem like you are, or ever will be, happy within this relationship.

[noctu]

How old are your dc? i.e. are they babies you need to hear when crying, or old enough to come into your bedroom if they needed you during the night?

If older, then - honestly - I'd make sure you have decent security (for burglars), decent fire alarms (for fire), then do everything to block out the noise.

Speaking as the wife of a snorer, I do the following:

Ear plugs (try a few different types, some people swear by the silicone ones, others like me swear by the Laser Lite ones)
plus
White noise machine (with an alarm for the morning)
plus
Go to sleep before OH if possible
plus
Sleep facing away from him, and if you have room, put an extra pillow between your heads to physically block some of the sound (even just a small cushion - stack one on top of the other)
plus
Anything else mentioned on this thread for your OH to do, if he's willing (nose strips, spray, etc). He might be more willing to address it if you approach the conversation with 'it's not your fault you snore, these are the things I'm going to do to stop it waking me up, would you be able to do X and Y as well and we have more chance of sorting it out'

Good luck

[DameXanaduBramble]

Low carbing helps so much, as does cutting out booze.

[senioritabonita]

He is very selfish, but in a passive way. He doesn't do anything for himself, he barely does anything at all.

I am having my room to myself tonight. I chose the bed, I built it, I saved for a year to buy the special the special mattress, I chose the bedding, decorated the room, I chose the furniture and wardrobe.

He does have many redeeming qualities - but most are things he doesn't do iyswim. He is loyal and faithful, he doesn't go out drinking, he doesn't waste money, he doesn't waste money. The things he does for me - brings me tea in bed in the morning and makes me a hot water bottle at night. It's not good and I need to be honest with myself.

[whatifwhatifhwhatif]

noctu and DameXanaduBramble you are assuming he will be willing to try to help alleviate the problem, which thus far, he hasn't been doing.

[whatifwhatifhwhatif]

Does he work, OP?

[senioritabonita]

thank you for the kind advice

I don't like sleeping facing away from him because he then tries to 'cuddle' me constantly and I hate it - I just want to sleep - but I am feel unkind if I tell him to leave me to sleep.

I go to bed about 11 and he then spends 15-30 minutes 'coming to bed' - watching the end of a tv show, pottering about, brushing teeth etc - which is fine and entirely his choice but then he gets in bed and no matter how many times I say I don't want him to he starts 'cuddling' and kissing me and telling me how much he loves me. I am often asleep when he gets in bed and he wakes me up and then falls straight to sleep snoring like a warthog.

I am starting to feel that his behaviour is selfish and I am not a horrible bitch for not wanting him to maul me when I want to sleep.

Why doesn't he kiss and cuddle me on the sofa before we go to bed? He literally ignores me then and sits on the floor if I put my legs up on his lap on the sofa.

[senioritabonita]

DC are 12 and 14, they haven't needed me in the night for many many years - it's maternal paranoia!

Yes he does work, he works 35 hours a week in an office baed job, does another 6 hours in my business and we have a small holding and large garden that are our hobbies - he spends about 10-14 hours a week gardening and doing physical work.

Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate it. I feel at a bit of a cross roads with things in my life (not just snoring) and this is helping but also hurting.

[senioritabonita]

He doesn't drink at all and eats very well. He is very healthy physically.
Thank you for helping m think this thru.

[whatifwhatifhwhatif]

the more I read, the more I despair. He sounds horrible, OP.

you have told him numerous times not to cuddle you in bed, yet he continues to do it. And he ignores you when you are actually awake together on the sofa? He has no respect for your boundaries.

You are NOT a horrible bitch for wanting your boundaries to be respected and for wanting your husband to want to help improve your lives. I think you are right in saying he is selfish but more than that, he is disrespectful towards you and doesn't listen to you.

Are you going to spend the rest of your days with this man??

[whatifwhatifhwhatif]

also, when you say cuddle, do you mean cuddle, or something more?

[blacklister]

Oh gosh this sounds awful OP. I say this as the temporary smoker in our house, I always snore like a pig from halfway thorough pregnancy and I feel dreadful about it. Nothing I do stops it, I can't use most sprays/medications, I've tried nose strips and a humidifier. I sleep on my side already with a pregnancy pillow. It's just the extra weight and swelling I think plus I get a stuffy nose at night. It will go away after birth though luckily. As it's only temporary my DH wears silicone earplugs which he doesn't mind, or moves to the spare room if it's terrible!

I'd be making your OH a doctors appointment and telling, not asking, him to go. And tell him firmly to stop waking/cuddling/mauling at you! My DH sometimes comes to bed after me (as I'm in bed by nine most nights these days) and disturbs me. I don't moan if it's accidental but if he starts talking or touches me when he knows I'm asleep he gets the full force of my wrath.

[blacklister]

*snorer, not smoker! I don't smoke!!

[BlueBug45]

@senioritabonita you sound annoyed partly due to lack of sleep.

Even though he's on medication he should have his snoring checked out as it may be a deeper medical issue. I know and have met a few people who actually pro-actively did something when they told they were snoring, and found they had sleep apnoea. In one of the cases the person did a lot of driving for her work and if it hadn't been pointed out she had this problem she could have fallen asleep at the wheel.

I suggest you tell him to sort his snoring out or sleep on the sofa.

If you have issues with other things then I suggest you tell him to come to relationship counselling with you. You can then decide whether you are going to be together.

[SluttyButty]

Oh the bed boundaries thing is definitely not cool.

I always let my husband fall asleep before me so he can at least get a part nights good sleep, I'd never dream of flipping well cuddling him and nor him with me. And I'd never wake him if I've been faddling about downstairs.

Your dh needs to learn that no means no. He's being very selfish and a cup of tea in bed doesn't make it right!

[LeighaJ]

senioritabonita

www.boots.com/snoreeze-snoring-relief-oral-device-10217887

That's what I bought for my husband, only one that works. Be sure to replace every 6 or so months as it wears out and becomes less effective over time.

If I recall from my research a couple of years back, the snoring becomes worse over time when left uncorrected because a part of the mouth or throat basically is damaged from the snoring...something like that.

[senioritabonita]

He doesn't try and have sex with me, he is very respectful and we have a good sex life - he is totally unselfish in that regard. But he is passive - he doesn't every instigate sex - if it happens it happens.

I think the passiveness is the problem. He doesn't do anything for me, or himself, or anyone else! He is a good dad and does a lot with DC. That and the garden seem to be all he cares about!

[senioritabonita]

We met when he was living opposite me. I am starting to think he never even wanted to marry me, I was just there and convenient.
I feel so low. I just need to get some sleep and think straight.

[whatifwhatifhwhatif]

Have you ever felt wanted by him, OP? This is sad to read

Can you book yourself into a hotel for the night or a weekend?

[Fflamingo]

You have to get over the feeling bad about him cuddling you and tell him to get lost. Or the annoyance/ anger st being utterly ignored affects your ability to sleep . I think single beds could be the answer. And maybe a water pistol by your bed for if he snores .

[senioritabonita]

Yes, he is an incredibly handsome 6 foot 6 man and used to climb up the side of my dodgy student house every night and bang to be let in - it was all very romantic.

He is terrified of losing me, he loves me as much as he can love anything. He is also very hard working - cleaning, gardening etc but he takes no responsibility for anything, even himself.

I am just tired, sorry it is sad and pathetic.

We are so so lucky, we have everything anyone could dream of, I want to enjoy my life.

[whatifwhatifhwhatif]

You need sleep to enjoy life.

[senioritabonita]

I am going away for a night with my BF in 2 weeks - literally can't wait to have someone to talk to.
I MN at night for company because I am lonely I think.
I feel really sad atm.
Sorry for whinging and thank you for listening

[whatifwhatifhwhatif]

OP, please don't spend the rest of your life sad.

What could your dp do to make things better and do you think he will do them? If he doesn't, then you have to make a choice. Live like this forever, or leave.