snoring

[senioritabonita]

I know a lot of people snore, I know they can't help it.

The question is WTF can be done about it and whose problem is it - the snorer or the poor bastard being woken.

We have a tiny house and it's very difficult to find somewhere else to sleep. He is 6foot 6 and has a bad back, I have arthritis and sleeping on the sofa/floor is not an option.

AIBU to think he should make an effort to sort this out or he should sleep elsewhere?

Has anyone actually managed to resolve a snoring problem?

I am so tried :(

[whatifwhatifhwhatif]

Life doesn't sound very fun for either of you at the moment

[senioritabonita]

I'm ok thanks for asking.
Took kids to a friends for a BBQ yesterday and DH stayed at home, painted the shed, did some gardening etc. He was moaning about how exhausted he was etc yesterday and then snored a lot so I was very grumpy thins morning and he was just going on and on about how exhausted he was by working so hard yesterday and how we'd all be relaxing and enjoying ourselves.

Well yeah, but I worked 72 hours this week and did all the chores etc to give myself a day off yesterday, it's not fait to try and make me feel guilty about it.

[whatifwhatifhwhatif]

How are you today, OP

[Rainbunny]

Some people aspire to owning a yacht or a holiday villa, my definition of luxury has been realised by having my own spacious bedroom with a walk in closet and ensuite bathroom It's my favourite place in the world! It's been two years now and all my close friends thought it was weird when my DH and I decided to have separate bedrooms, I'm sure they thought our marriage was on the rocks and even now I don't really mention that I have a separate bedroom because people seem stuck on this idea that couples should sleep together. It's 2018 and the importance of good sleep for overall health is being recognized, so apart from space considerations, why are we all stuck in the relatively recent tradition of sharing our beds (to one or both party's misery) all night long?

I love some quality time in bed with my DH but I really love having my own bedroom. I have a mattress that is perfect for my body needs, the room is decorated purely for my taste (luxurious minimalist spa theme - at least that's what I "aimed" for...) and I sleep wonderfully. After 5 years of going to bed in bed but inevitably ending up on the sofa I have so much energy in comparison.

[BigbreastsBiggerbeard]

I've been with three snorers and none of them ever took it seriously. One thought it was very funny. If I ever have another relationship highly unlikely it's going to be separate rooms all the way.

[happypoobum]

Re the snoring, I split with a partner who wouldn't take steps to resolve the issue. I just got to the point where I couldn't function properly due to lack of sleep.

re the rest of it - Counselling?

Do you love him?

Would you be happier apart?

[Happyhippy45]

No answers I'm afraid but have sympathy for you.
My dh has been a snorer for years. I got used to/kind of accepted that this is how life was. Then I had a relapse of MS and spent the odd night sleeping in the spare room. The odd night has turned into a permanent thing I think. I need my sleep and am recovering quicker because I'm getting a full nights sleep. We've not had sex for ages because of me being ill. I need to sleep on my back on a wedge pillow so I don't really see the point in sharing a bed at this point if all it means is I get woken up multiple times. He's not happy about it and it's obviously bothering him. Not enough to do anything about it though. He thinks his snoring is kind of funny. He had no sympathy for the dark circles under my eyes.

[Ethylred]

He was a lot of fun when he was young but now he's taken
his foot off the accelerator. In every aspect of his life.

[senioritabonita]

good point agnurse

UserV - He's always been the DC main carer, I went back to work ft when they were 12 weeks and 8 weeks old and he is, without any shadow of a doubt the best dad of younger children I have ever seen - in part, I think, due to him being so passive. He could give himself totally to the moment and be in their world. DC are both doing incredibly well at school, sports etc and that has all been him. He is starting to struggle with teenagers thou - their demands are different and he doesn't take criticism well.

But I do know what you mean in general about this theme on MN.

[UserV]

How come men who are useless passive aggressive obnoxious lumps as husbands (and bring nothing to their wife's life,) are ALWAYS 'good dads?'

I despair I really do.

[agnurse]

You might consider pointing out to him that his depression might actually be due in part to his snoring. If he does have sleep apnea it could be interfering with his sleep, and that can lead to depression and anxiety. You might also point out to him that if it IS sleep apnea, it's usually very treatable and often doesn't require invasive techniques. My grandfather was diagnosed with sleep apnea many years ago. He started using a CPAP machine and slept very well. When my dad learned of it he thought maybe he'd better get checked out too, because he had had sleep problems for years. Sure enough, he has it too. He got a CPAP as well and was astounded at how much better he sleeps.

[senioritabonita]

I feel your pain good women of MN. And yes, it does make me hate him and have violent thoughts in the night.

I hear thru earplugs. God I hate it.

I worked and saved for 20 years to buy this house - I can't move and no spare room. I am seriously thinking about a bed in the cabin in the garden for the summer months......

[ToEarlyForDecorations]

Spare bed for me. Every.fucking.night. It's beyond a joke. My job is to get him to sleep, just by being in bed. He's asleep within 15 minutes. That's when the snoring starts.

I can hear him through ear plugs.

How come he doesn't sleep in the spare room ? He can't get to sleep there. So, muggins here moves to the spare bed as usual.

[MilkTrayLimeBarrel]

Mine snores terribly - we only have one bed - but luckily he falls asleep nearly every night on the sofa and I am so mean I don't wake him up! Even so I can hear him through the floor downstairs and wear ear plugs most nights. It is such a tiring thing to have to put up with. He did have an app which woke him up when he snored but of course he didn't like that and deleted it! He is away one night a week on business and it is bliss!!

[KittenBeast]

God, my OH snores, if I fall asleep before him it's OK, as I'm a fairly sound sleeper but if he drops off before me, that's me having zero sleep for the entire night. It genuinely makes you hate them (or is that just me?) no amount of shoving or rolling them over helps, and then sometimes, just sometimes, they stop for about 10 seconds, and you almost cry with relief, and then it starts back up again with a vengeance. I so wish I had a spare room, can't bring myself to chuck him downstairs on the sofa.

[Rainbunny]

Is it an option to move to a place with an extra bedroom? My DH snores (partly due to his gaining some weight which he is working on losing but also due to a badly set broken nose from his youth which has rendered one nostril/airway basically non-functional, also trying to get that issue sorted although it will require surgery). He hated the idea of us having separate bedrooms so I spent years ending up on the sofa which I think blinded him to how much my sleep was suffering.

It took a large family visit which crowded out all possible sleeping spots in our house and his MIL discovering me early one morning sleeping in a walk-in-closet, that he finally realised how bad it must be that I had to resort to that. We now have separate bedrooms and I LOVE it! I sleep so well now, even if he fixes his snoring issues I'm not sure I want to give up my bedroom ever! We are in our thirties btw and having separate bedrooms has not impacted our relationship at all except that we both sleep well now :)

[senioritabonita]

exactly

He is extremely handsome and was a fitness model for years so there is always that!
And he is very kind to children and elderly people.
Yes, I realise it's not great....

[whatifwhatifhwhatif]

Sorry op, this isn't a kind thing to say but he sounds like a bit of a non entity

The good things you list are standard things.

[senioritabonita]

He is selfish - but also selfless. It's hard to explain. All his faults are things he doesn't do:
wont get help for MH
wont get resolve snoring
ignores me
forgets what he's supposed to do
wont take responsibility

the good points are in many ways also things he doesn't do:
loyal - never looked at another woman
doesn't waste money
doesn't have expensive/time consuming hobbies
doesn't go away/out a lot
doesn't drink


etc etc - I literally cant believe I didn't notice this - we've been together 25 years. How can I have been so blind? I thought it was the depression, now I am not even sure he was depressed - just passive.

arrggg

thanks for your kindness, its helped me so much.

[senioritabonita]

Yes, I keep coming back to it - that is the root problem. I could live with a snorer actively working to resolve it. I am an incredibly tolerant person but I am not responsible for him and his health etc. I am putting together a list of non negotiable changes and it is breaking my heart a bit.

He looks a bit confused and keep trying to force the status quo but I'm exhausted and need a change.

[whatifwhatifhwhatif]

You keep coming back to his passivity, OP. It is really bringing you down. This is his personality though, and that won't change. At some point you will have to make a decision - live with this for the rest of your days...or leave.

Glad things are better on the snoring side of things and I hope you managed some shut eye the past two nights. It's funny how he's managing to control it now?? How can you control movements / snoring when you are asleep? Strange.

In any case, personally I couldn't live with someone like this. I did once, and I learned a valuable lesson. There is nothing so unattractive, draining and frustrating than living with someone who has zero input or interest in your lives together, or indeed life itself. And him trying to shove all the responsibility onto you

He sounds like a selfish (and rather boring) child. Ugh.

[senioritabonita]

He slept on his side and didn't snore at all again last night - which shows that he does have a degree of control over it.

I am so pissed off. I have a week off with the kids next week and can't wait - I need some time off work to get my thoughts together.

It's the passivity that is the problem - he tries to make everything my responsibility :(

[teddyclown]

Anyone that snores, I would urge you to get checked for sleep apnoea. I snored for years and my husband remarked on countless occasions that not only did I snore, but that I also stopped breathing momentarily. I pooh-poohed his concerns and just ignored it, but mentioned it to the doctor last year.
Result was that I was sent for a 'sleep study' and the outcome was sleep apnoea. I've since found out just how serious this condition is. There's a Facebook sleep apnoea uk group which I have joined.
I've been on cpap treatment since last October and feel so much better now - and the snoring has completely stopped.
I am convinced that there are many, many people living with undiagnosed sleep apnoea - and anyone with snoring problem really, really should get themselves checked.

[soapboxqueen]

I think he sounds like an arse. My dh used to snore, like it reverberated around the house. It worse when he drank which used to Piss me off because it was like he didn't care.

In the end I noticed he struggled to breath at times. I told him this and instigated an almost miraculous call to the doctor. He never calls the doctor. He had a study done and now has a cpap machine. Doesn't snore anymore. Unless he's been drinking.

[goose1964]

Have you tried to record him and play it back to him. I didn't believe my husband when he said how bad my snoring was, l was referred by my GP to sleep study and was diagnosed with sleep apnoea. Although it mainly affects the overweight it's not always the case. I now have a CPAP machine and never audibly snore, although the machine identifies any episode it resolved.

Does he get tired during the day and fall asleep in seconds, if so he needs to see a GP