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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Have I overreacted

144 replies

beardedlobster · 22/05/2018 15:03

Sorry a bit of an essay.
When we viewed our house two years ago we absolutely loved it however we were concerned as the offices of a charity back onto it and there was a massive window which overlooked the garden. We asked the office about how used this area was and they were brilliant. They let us in and showed us that actually those windows were frosted and never opened to ensure privacy of the residents whose houses they backed onto. Fantastic we moved in and never once have had a problem.
On Friday I was out in the garden wearing a vest top and knickers hanging out my washing. I heard a whistle and looked around and one of the office windows was wide open and a man was looking at me waving and had his phone out as though taking a picture. Please note this is not a stealth boast there is nothing attractive about me in a vest top and knickers!
I was mortified and after getting dressed went round and complained to the company and described what had happened.
I have heard back from them today and they have informed me they were able to identify the individual involved who had admitted it and showed them the pictures he had taken on his phone (which he has since deleted) and said he was just messing around. The individual has been suspended pending investigation so they have asked me to write an official incident form to detail what has happened. I was really happy they had taken it seriously.
My friend has been round this afternoon and I was telling her and she was flabbergasted that I have made such a big deal and told me I should withdraw my complaint as someone could lose there job and it was my fault for being in my Garden with hardly any clothes on. She said I obviously want to feel like a victim.
I’m really upset now. I in no way want to feel a victim however I feel the man in question behaved in at least an unprofessional way and should be held accountable for his actions.

Am I being unreasonable to continue with my complaint?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 22/05/2018 16:59

YANBU

ichifanny · 22/05/2018 17:00

Tell them you want the window bricked up

fizzandchips · 22/05/2018 17:03

Bonny
OP wasn't naked! Vest top and knickers or tankini or swimsuit? What's the difference? OP was in her own back garden. OP YANBU. And your friend is odd.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 22/05/2018 17:04

Shitty behaviour from the bloke... And also your pal tbh...

Absolutely yanbu ....these arses should not be allowed to get away with this.... Unacceptable!

Snowman123 · 22/05/2018 17:06

If you see a neighbour whether its at their window or in the garden half dressed you look away, you don't get your phone out for a photo. He was wrong. Agree with IAHFAR - his behaviour was disgusting.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 22/05/2018 17:08

Keep calm, and carry on !
OP, there's something amiss, with people like him.☹️

Petalflowers · 22/05/2018 17:09

Taking photos is out of order.

Had he just looked out of the window, and maybe waved, fine.

However, taking photos is out of order, and whistling tomget your attention, is,out of order.

FASH84 · 22/05/2018 17:11

YANBU it's right that the company are taking his behaviour seriously, it's outrageous!

G1ngerpig · 22/05/2018 17:12

I think you're right to do this especially as they are a charity. Don't know which charity but if it's one which works with disadvantaged or vulnerable people something like that could possibly invalidate an advanced DBS check - in that it could be seen as predatory and he might face court charges for it, as had no permission etc.

FizzyGreenWater · 22/05/2018 17:15

told me I should withdraw my complaint as someone could lose there job and it was my fault for being in my Garden with hardly any clothes on. She said I obviously want to feel like a victim.

WTF!

Dump your victom blaming friend. And yes I hope he DOES lose his job. That is awful. Yes complain and most certainly don't say that you 'don't want it taken any further'. If more people did throw the book at fucking pervert men who think they simply don't need to have the slightest respect for females then the world would be a nicer, safer place. Fuck him.

And I would now be asking the company to consider not only frosting all the glass that overlooks the properties, but also making it impossible for the windows to be opened.

Jux · 22/05/2018 17:34

Do include in your written statement that you are concerned that the pictures may be stored on the cloud or he may have sent them to others, and ask that this aspect is fully investigated.

Nodnol · 22/05/2018 17:42

You are NBU. Your friend is a pillock and I hope the creepy fucker in the window is fired.

diddl · 22/05/2018 17:48

I just can't get over the fact that he attracted your attention & then blatantly took photos, Op.

Your "friend's" attitude though!

Would it have still been acceptable if you were wearing more??!!

crazymumofthree · 22/05/2018 17:48

Nope I would have done the same! Disgusting behaviour and who knows what he would have done with the pictures!!! Eww!! Glad the company have followed through!!

themorus · 22/05/2018 17:58

Doesn't matter the you were in your underwear, he invaded your privacy and obviously didntthink there s anything wrong in that. I agree that the charity are being careful about their reputation and should discipline him.

CourtneyLovely · 22/05/2018 18:05

If he'd seen you and then looked away and carried on with his day that would be one thing, but he whistled and took a photo - he deserves everything that's coming to him.

ChocolateRaisin09 · 22/05/2018 18:14

It may be that he has already been in trouble at work and this is more evidence for the company to take action. Yanbu, and are doing other women a favour. Your friend is an idiot.

Puttingthefootdown · 22/05/2018 18:14

Your friend is an absolute dick!
YADNBU

Emma198 · 22/05/2018 18:14

Also, the type of man who would hang out of a window and take pics is probably also not a pleasant man to work alongside and I would suspect some of his colleagues but we glad if he left.

beardedlobster · 22/05/2018 18:23

Thank you again everyone for your replies and being so supportive. I know I’ve done the right thing.
I don’t want to name the charity but it is one that works with vulnerable people hence like a lot of you have said it is worrying someone with this mentality is working for them.
Thank you for all who have said about the cloud etc... I hadn’t thought about that. I am going to write a letter along side the incident statement and ask about that as well as what people have said about securing the window for the future.
Thanks all again for the advice it really is appreciated and yes it has made me think twice about my friendship with said person in the OP.

OP posts:
GeordieGirl233 · 22/05/2018 18:23

I'd have been angry enough about the incident as it was but actually taking a photo? I'd have gone absolutely fucking mental. YANBU.

Your friend is a twat x

GeordieGirl233 · 22/05/2018 18:24

Don't name and shame the charity if they are taking it seriously - it's his fault not theirs considering he's disciplined accordingly x

beardedlobster · 22/05/2018 18:25

Inertia
‘Your friend's comments are an example of the fact that our wider society not only expects women to tolerate unwanted attention from men, but also expects us to cover up their misdemeanors and shield them from the consequences of their own actions and choices.’

This is so true sadly.

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 22/05/2018 18:27

YANBU. I would have done the same.

emmyrose2000 · 23/05/2018 01:07

YANBU and good on you for dealing with this head on.

Your 'friend' is an idiot. I couldn't (continue to) be friends with someone so stupid and intent on victim blaming.

I hope the pervert loses his job.

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