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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have I overreacted

144 replies

beardedlobster · 22/05/2018 15:03

Sorry a bit of an essay.
When we viewed our house two years ago we absolutely loved it however we were concerned as the offices of a charity back onto it and there was a massive window which overlooked the garden. We asked the office about how used this area was and they were brilliant. They let us in and showed us that actually those windows were frosted and never opened to ensure privacy of the residents whose houses they backed onto. Fantastic we moved in and never once have had a problem.
On Friday I was out in the garden wearing a vest top and knickers hanging out my washing. I heard a whistle and looked around and one of the office windows was wide open and a man was looking at me waving and had his phone out as though taking a picture. Please note this is not a stealth boast there is nothing attractive about me in a vest top and knickers!
I was mortified and after getting dressed went round and complained to the company and described what had happened.
I have heard back from them today and they have informed me they were able to identify the individual involved who had admitted it and showed them the pictures he had taken on his phone (which he has since deleted) and said he was just messing around. The individual has been suspended pending investigation so they have asked me to write an official incident form to detail what has happened. I was really happy they had taken it seriously.
My friend has been round this afternoon and I was telling her and she was flabbergasted that I have made such a big deal and told me I should withdraw my complaint as someone could lose there job and it was my fault for being in my Garden with hardly any clothes on. She said I obviously want to feel like a victim.
I’m really upset now. I in no way want to feel a victim however I feel the man in question behaved in at least an unprofessional way and should be held accountable for his actions.

Am I being unreasonable to continue with my complaint?

OP posts:

MadeForThis · 22/05/2018 15:23

There is a big difference between glancing out a window and seeing someone in their back garden and intentionally talking a photo. He also whistled so that you would know he was there. The only point of this wounded to make you feel uncomfortable.

I hope he does get sacked. Completely disgusting behaviour.

RevRichardWayneGaryWayne · 22/05/2018 15:24

In my company he'd be fired immediately (not sure if it makes a difference that I'm in construction and they are very strict on "wolf whistle culture"). But in short no you're not being unreasonable at all

WhatchaMaCalllit · 22/05/2018 15:24

Not an overreaction.
Not one bit.
If this worker is likely to lose their job, they shouldn't have taken the photo, they shouldn't have whistled at you and they should just concentrate on what it is that they are employed to be doing. This is clearly not part of the job description.

I would be asking the office manager how they are going to prevent such an occurrence happening again.
Your friend is a bit of an eejit to think that you're overreacting.

Kathulu · 22/05/2018 15:25

Absolutely no way are you overreacting there and I'm glad the Charity are taking your complaint seriously. Being outside in a private area or not, he sounds a bit simple if he's actually drawn your attention to him doing something so shady.

Cath2907 · 22/05/2018 15:26

HE TOOK PHOTOS! HE WHISTLED!

Had he been looking out the window and done neither of these things and you'd realised you were on full view then you'd be unreasonable to complain. It is not the fact that he saw you in your garden that is the issue. It is the fact that he took photos of you. Complain away!

EmmaJR1 · 22/05/2018 15:26

I was coming to post exactly what @KatnissMellark said. The employee is a pervert who violated you. You're entitled to wear what you like in your garden. No different to wearing a bikini surely.

He deserves the complaint for acting like a complete weasel and thinking it's ok to gawp at women trying to enjoy their privates homes!

Your friend is a bloody idiot!

Original poster

beardedlobster · 22/05/2018 15:26

Thank you very much all for your replies you’ve made me see what I knew deep down and I shall indeed be continuing the complaint. With my friend putting the doubt in my mind it caused me to wobble so thank you all.
And yes I will definitely be speaking to the company again to ask about securing the windows so they can’t be opened. Thank you.

OP posts:

Thewhale2903 · 22/05/2018 15:27

I wouldn't personally walk outside in my underware but that's my body hang ups.
I can't believe someone wpuld take pictures of you in your own garden. What a prev. It's his own fault if he loses his job

mmgirish · 22/05/2018 15:28

That's gross. Your friend is being unreasonable.

DobbyisFREE · 22/05/2018 15:28

I don't think you have a choice. He's bound to know you have made the complaint if he's been suspended so if you withdraw it, he'll carry on working there every day and be very bitter towards you. He'll likely not do the same thing again but he will probably open the window often and just stand there so he hasn't technically done anything wrong.

I don't think you were being unreasonable in the first place but even if you were, you can't withdraw it now that he knows. I can tell you from experience that doesn't end well.

Luisa27 · 22/05/2018 15:30

He sounds like a huge tit OP - and good on you for complaining. I hope he’s learnt his lesson.
I’d probably state in an email and letter - and maybe go round again in person - that whilst you’re relieved that this incident was taken seriously, you would prefer the matter to be dropped as you wouldn’t like to be (inadvertently) responsible for him losing his job. As long as you can be assured this was a one of incident - the result of high jinks....blah blah blah

Oh and you’re not alone OP - I regularly run out in my knickers 😂...only horses and chickens as witnesses thankfully! Although I did once jump out from behind our honeysuckle in just a pair of sloggis and a massive cock drawn on my stomach in lipstick and shout “ta...da!!” at who I thought was my husband - but it was a couple who wanted to know if I offered riding lessons 😐 We live very rurally and usually hear cars approaching (they were on foot)
It was truly hideous - unfortunately they live locally too and I often see them at village events

PS....the lipstick cock thing was an in joke between us - just to clarify!

GalwayWayfarer · 22/05/2018 15:30

Fuck your friend! You did NOT overreact and have been totally reasonable!

CaptainHammer · 22/05/2018 15:30

Ew. You are definitely not being unreasonable.

Rocinante1 · 22/05/2018 15:30

Ignore the posters saying you shouldn’t have been out in your underwear. It’s the same as sunbathing in your back garden in a swimsuit; you are absolutely entitled to do that and no one from a workplace looking into your garden should be taking photographs.

Have you spoken with the man? In a controlled meeting with witnesses of course, but have you checked what he did with the photos, who he showed, did he upload them to the cloud and only delete from his phone etc?

Pebblespony · 22/05/2018 15:30

I think you handled it correctly. Your friend is completely wrong.

spontaneousgiventime · 22/05/2018 15:30

Absolutely carry on with the complaint and ditch the (so called) friend. This man knew what he was doing when he took the pictures, he even grabbed your attention so you knew what he was doing. Actions have consequences.

iBiscuit · 22/05/2018 15:31

It might be worth contacting the police about this. YANBU.

Frenchiemamax · 22/05/2018 15:32

YANBU and he is a pervy weirdo

PleddingWanner · 22/05/2018 15:34

Fuck that, what a prick! Your friend doesn't look too good in this situation either.
Personally I would be laying it on thick so he does lose his job, I'd not be very happy if he can come back to work right next to your house!!!

Foxysoxy10 · 22/05/2018 15:35

I think you need a new friend!

What is wrong with some people they think they have the God given right to cat call and take photos of others? Horrible behaviour and hopefully if he has some sort of repercussions he may re-think his attitude.

agnurse · 22/05/2018 15:39

You're not being unreasonable at all. You were in the back garden. As a friend of mine says, "If my son took off all his clothes and stood against the front window [that looks on the street], that's my problem. If my son took off all his clothes and stood against the back window, and you have a problem with that, that's your problem."

Iloveacurry · 22/05/2018 15:41

No you’re not.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 22/05/2018 15:41

Agreee with all those who said you were right to complain and the company is right to deal with it in this way.

As technology advances, we lose rights over how our images are used. You are not unreasonable to expect not to have your photograph taken while in your garden when you have verified that the window cannot be used to see into your garden and had it confirmed that your provacy is assured.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/05/2018 15:42

You are definitely NOT over reacting.

That perv probably tries to take upskirt shots on public transport etc.

I think you deserve a round of applause for having the balls to march round to the office to complain. As a charity, they have certain standards of behaviour that have to be adhered to. And this falls far short of that. And that is not YOUR fault! That was his choice.

Bravo.

AtrocityNeedles · 22/05/2018 15:43

You are not overreacting. He needs to get sacked.

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