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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have I overreacted

144 replies

beardedlobster · 22/05/2018 15:03

Sorry a bit of an essay.
When we viewed our house two years ago we absolutely loved it however we were concerned as the offices of a charity back onto it and there was a massive window which overlooked the garden. We asked the office about how used this area was and they were brilliant. They let us in and showed us that actually those windows were frosted and never opened to ensure privacy of the residents whose houses they backed onto. Fantastic we moved in and never once have had a problem.
On Friday I was out in the garden wearing a vest top and knickers hanging out my washing. I heard a whistle and looked around and one of the office windows was wide open and a man was looking at me waving and had his phone out as though taking a picture. Please note this is not a stealth boast there is nothing attractive about me in a vest top and knickers!
I was mortified and after getting dressed went round and complained to the company and described what had happened.
I have heard back from them today and they have informed me they were able to identify the individual involved who had admitted it and showed them the pictures he had taken on his phone (which he has since deleted) and said he was just messing around. The individual has been suspended pending investigation so they have asked me to write an official incident form to detail what has happened. I was really happy they had taken it seriously.
My friend has been round this afternoon and I was telling her and she was flabbergasted that I have made such a big deal and told me I should withdraw my complaint as someone could lose there job and it was my fault for being in my Garden with hardly any clothes on. She said I obviously want to feel like a victim.
I’m really upset now. I in no way want to feel a victim however I feel the man in question behaved in at least an unprofessional way and should be held accountable for his actions.

Am I being unreasonable to continue with my complaint?

OP posts:

AmericanEskimoDoge · 22/05/2018 15:43

She's not much of a friend, and if he behaves like that, maybe he deserves to lose that job. Possibly this will teach him to grow up and take the next job a little more seriously.

justforthisthread101 · 22/05/2018 15:43

YANBU.

What a horrible man. I'm so glad they're taking it seriously.

shiklah · 22/05/2018 15:44

YANBU and your reaction was correct. What else is on his phone 'messing about' I wonder. What a creep.

ellybo · 22/05/2018 15:46

OMG I can't believe your friend would say that!!! I hope you are alright. Sending love and defo not overreacting.

robotcartrainhat · 22/05/2018 15:46

YANBU taking a photo of you pushes that right over the line from something a bit sleezy and annoying into something pretty worrying.
Tbh if it were just the whistling idve complained only if it happened more than once... but with a photo being taken I think you were totally right to report it to the company. Youve done other women a favour as well as hopefully this perv will get the message he cant just take pics of women he doesnt know on their own property in their underwear.

PleddingWanner · 22/05/2018 15:47

What kind of charity is it? If he is working closely with vulnerable people this definitely needs looking into further. Have you called the police? This is sexual harassment

ToastyFingers · 22/05/2018 15:48

YADNBU!
If that is how he behaves in work he deserves to lose his job.

ReanimatedSGB · 22/05/2018 15:50

YANBU in the least. If you'd complained because you'd noticed someone 'looking at you' then maybe, but this obnoxious prick whistled at you to attract your attention, then indicated that he was taking pictures of you. That's well over the line into abusive, intimidating behaviour, and bringing his employer into disrepute.

Mrsmadevans · 22/05/2018 15:50

It is not your fault . The mere fact that the charity are taking it so seriously should reassure you. They really do not want someone like this working for them. YADNBU OP.

milkshake1973 · 22/05/2018 15:52

YANBU op, that's totally unacceptable behaviour. He's an idiot for doing it and a total idiot for doing it at work. No clue where your friend is at with this.

Topseyt · 22/05/2018 15:53

Not an overreaction at all. He was perving at you as though you were an object there purely for his gratification. Getting disciplined and possibly losing his job is a risk he chose to take with his disgraceful behaviour.

On weekend mornings I can often be found putting washing out in my garden still wearing my nightshirt. We are free to do that in our own private space. Your friend sounds like almost as much of a dick as the man was.

He wouldn't have done it if the person hanging out the washing had been a man in just his shorts.

Noboozeforme · 22/05/2018 15:53

YADNBU about the vile man and going through with your complaint but YABU about telling them what they can and can't do with their windows.

HelenUrth · 22/05/2018 15:54

Maybe show your "friend" this thread.
Am perplexed a "friend" would think it's your fault for being photographed by some stranger while you're in your own back garden. What planet do you have to be on to think that's ok!

Titaniumpins · 22/05/2018 15:54

YANBU

Although I do get why your friend said that - we do tend to minimise these seemingly harmless acts so that people don't lose their jobs over a mistake etc. Having said that we shouldn't and its not your fault he had complete lapse in judgement. He should absolutely have not taken a photograph of you and that is where he seriously messed up. If you were feeling charitable and felt that it was a lapse you could say you want him to be disciplined but not to lose his job.

TBH its his own bloody fault though and he only has himself to blame for the consequences.

butlerswharf · 22/05/2018 15:54

I'm with your friend in this one.

Clandestino · 22/05/2018 15:55

You did nothing wrong. He had no right to take pictures of you. If he loses his job, tough but a person with such moronic ideas shouldn't be working for a charity.
Your friend is a twat.

Jux · 22/05/2018 15:55

I hope he does lose his job. Appalling behaviour.

Wellthisunexpected · 22/05/2018 15:57

Your friend is one of those people who if you got groped or raped would ask what you were wearing or if you led him on. She needs to give her head a wobble.

Lonelynessie · 22/05/2018 15:58

That's awful, I'd have called the police! You have done nothing wrong at all.

Your friend is bonkers and a victim-blaming idiot.

lifechangesforever · 22/05/2018 15:58

And that kind of attitude from people like your friend is why men get away with treating women like pieces of meat.

1000% continue with the complaint. I hope he has someone at home he has to explain why he's being investigated too as well, perv!

lifechangesforever · 22/05/2018 16:00

You also don't know that he didn't send that picture onto others before deleting it or that his photos automatically back up somewhere else and just because it's off his phone, doesn't mean it's gone forever.

I actually think I'd have reported it to the police.

BestestBrownies · 22/05/2018 16:02

If more scummy perverts like him were immediately called out on their disgusting behaviour and forced to suffer some real consequences then our society would be all the better for it.

OP, bravo for marching round to complain and redressing the power balance this moron upset by attempting to humiliate you. I hope the dirty little wankstain does lose his job over it.

And you have very right to wear whatever the fuck you like both in your own garden and anywhere else.

TomRavenscroft · 22/05/2018 16:08

No, YANBU. It's not acceptable and good for you for calling him/the company out on it. And for them for treating it appropriately.

butlers, can you expand on your opinion?

MumofBoysx2 · 22/05/2018 16:11

YANBU. The man is a creep who needs not to have got away with that. Would probably have ended up on Facebook if you hadn't complained about it.

PeppermintPasty · 22/05/2018 16:11

Adding my voice of agreement with all other posters (except one...there's always one). Creepy perv, YWNU.

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